Sunday, 8 December 2013

Church Sit Vac

Withering-with-Smutter and Bloglandlisland-cum-Charlock with Hemlock St Michael, Little Sprittering, Giblet, St Maurice-in-the-Marsh, Deeper-in-the-Fen, Sinking-under-Ouse, Peatbog and Chugwell (the Subsidence Parish)

As a group of 12 fenland parishes in the Diocese of Norwich, we are looking for a particularly talented priest.

The anticipated superhero will be able to build up dynamic, outward-looking worshipping communities in each of our parishes. There's no need to be too dynamic in Charlock, obviously, as the village only has two families, and they're not talking to each other since the Civil War. You're not going to win that one.

Chugwell has a special ministry to agricultural workers - or, will have, once the successful applicant has set it up.  Due to the nature of the transient working population, you will be fluent in Polish, Lithuanian, Greek and Portugese. Or, at least, willing to learn.

One of your major responsibilities will be to take the lead in the church restoration projects. Since all our churches are pretty much built on peat bog, emergency restoration is currently required in the case of all the churches. Especially Little Sprittering, where the spire is currently disappearing below Fen level. You will need to hold a licence for JCB operation, just to get in the porch for Sunday services.

Since the people of Hemlock St Michael were particularly fond of their vicar back in the 70s, and objected to being joined into the benefice, you will need particular tact to deal with them. And the resilience to deal with the dog droppings, letter bombs, occasional digging-up of your drive and vandalism to your car, garage and any nearby livestock. An ability to remove paint from brick walls will be particularly useful.

We have 2 church schools, and the vicar is expected to lead assemblies every day. And be on the governors' boards. And the same, or similar, for the residential homes.

Each church in the benefice expects Holy Communion every Sunday. Therefore our new priest must be a competent rally driver, capable driving at 80 miles per hour along uneven drain-side fenland roads, after drinking a mouthful of wine on the hour, every hour, from 8am to 7pm. In case of disaster, it will be best for him or her to have 50m Swimming Certificate, and the charisma required to stop the police administering a breath test.

Sadly, due to our relentless failure to meet the Parish Share, this is a House for Duty post.

Inspired by this from Angela Tilby in the Church Times


  1. This advert is so like our Rural East Kent benefice, that I swear that you've lifted it straight from our profile, word for word. Royalties please to my Swizz Account with RBS.

  2. May I apply? I do a good Wicker Man!

  3. Are you allowed just to copy ads from the back of the Church Times like this? It is far too accurate to be a parody... (especially the last line about House for Duty, which Angela Tilby didn't seem to have picked up from those Church Times ads. )

  4. Ouch! Far too close for comfort to the reality of my last post before retirement.


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