Dear Readers, I am shocked by the revelations. Tom Daley has confessed that he is gay.
I am disgusted; that is all I can say. That a man like Tom Daley could fall in love with another man. I reel with horror, as the prophet said.
I had adored Tom, little realising the dark secret he was keeping. Who could have guessed that this manly man, who took part in that most manly of sports, who was the resident manly diver on "Splash", that test of bravery and muscular fitness, was gay? I would have wept into my pillow last night, did it not have a "Tom Daley" pillow case on it.
Well; that pillow case will go into my "cupboard of broken memories", along with all of the Tom Daley DVDs, the back-issues of all my diving magazines, and my "Tom Daley" autographed trunks. The ones Archdruid Eileen told me she would hit me with her cricket bat if I tried sunbathing in them.
Yes, I shall put them in that sad cupboard, along with my Will Young CDs, videos of QI and Communards albums. Why am I constantly let down like this?