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Friday, 7 February 2014

10 Commandments of Commuting

I. Thou shalt not curse God when the train is late. It's probably the train operators.

II. Thou shalt keep ploughing forwards inside the train once it's started, despite the fact people are walking the other way doing the same thing.  These three abide: Faith,  Hope and Charity.  But hope's the only thing that will keep thee going here.

III. Remember the Sabbath day.  Thou dost noy have to go in. Unless thou'rt really unlucky.

IV. Thou shalt not make eye contact.

V. Remember the widow, the orphan, the infirm and aged in the land. But remember also that it's thy seat. Thou gottest on early to grab it. And it's a long way to Reading.  Especially since FGW run the service

VI. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass. He or she might notice.

VII. Thou shalt let detraining customers detraining before thou dost entrain. Thou hast to have a system, dostn't thou.

VIII. Thou shalt not bear false witness to the ticket inspector.  They know.

IX. Thou shalt not sing in the Quiet Carriage.  Thou shalt not speak on the phone - not thou, nor thy wife,  nor thy maidservant, nor thy ass nor thy ox. For if the Lord looks down from heaven, and hears a clamour as of that of trumpets, then shall he tut.

X. If through a kind employer or the Unions thou getst to work from home one day, don't sit all day in thy pants working on thy laptop.  For God can see everything.  And so can the neighbours, O thou fool.  Thou'rt in the conservatory.

3 comments :

  1. It seems a little strange that the Arch Druid who has allegedly never commuted further than Berkshire should draft a set of commandments for rail commuters.

    Perhaps she's been listening to the mutterings of a certain person who tweets often, travels daily (sometimes with cycle) and is always wittering on about Wellingborough.

    Given the addiction of the Arch Druid to social media it might be worth the authorities exploring this relationship further - Homeland Security, are you reading this!!!

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  2. Verily in the past thou - or thy brother or sister - hast cried in vain to the God of Timetables.

    They hath been tested seven times seven and beyond by all manner of tribes including the Tocites, the Networkrailites, the Maintenancesubcontractorites and the Trainlessorites aided by the great tribes of Lawyerites and Consultantites.

    Verily I say unto you all the ites earned many bars of gold creating a kingdom whose original aim was to reduce the ransom the great government paid to nourish the iron rails the people owned.

    Instead there was a gnashing of teeth and wailing of widows when instead what came forth from their labours was a great and terrible monster of the market which consumed more ransom than ever before but diverted it to those who own the Tocites, the Networkrailites, the Maintenancesubcontractorites, the Trainlessorites, the Lawyerites and Consultantites and their childrens children through trusts along with the growing tribes of Managerites and their bonuses who cannot be named as they have multiplied greatly and are now more numerous than the grains of sand on a beach.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I note that the Arch Druid has been remarkably quiet about the implied relationship with a certain commuter and his bycycle?

    I take that silence as an acknowledgement that my suspicious nature is correct and that such a relationship exists.

    Now, where's your friendly NOTW reporter when you need one? :(

    ReplyDelete

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