Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Liturgy of Yaya Toure's Birthday

Much angst and public excitement over the news that Yaya Toure may leave Man City because they forgot his birthday.

If true, this is terrible news. No multi millionaire should have to fly to Brazil to play in a World Cup knowing his club has forgotten his birthday. Imagine the stress of that hanging over your head. After all, Jose Mourinho never forgets how old Samuel Eto'o is.

And so, to assist Man City and their precious flowers, I would like to offer up this liturgy of Birthday Celebration, adapted from our own forthcoming Improved Beaker Common Prayer (New Hipster Version).

Manuel Pellegrini: Now then, lads. Training is over. And so - does anybody have any birthdays in the next week?

[ Everybody looks shy and embarrassed. Eventually one bashful player puts his hand up]

MP: Not you, Nimely. You're not very famous, and who's going to trust you with a new car?

[ A more famous player puts up his hand ]

MP: Yaya! Come up here.

[ Yaya Toure stands bashfully at the front]

MP: OK boys, altogether...

Squad and Interpreters: "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Yaya, happy birthday to you,"

[ Half hearted round of applause ]

MP: And don't forget the lucky dip for a special gift.... Oh look! A Porsche! Happy birthday, Yaya!

YT: But I wanted a Bugatti like Roberto Carlos! You don't love me! I'm off to Real Madrid! People there will respect a tortured, unloved genius!

[ Tears may be shed before bedtime ]

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