Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Who you Gonna Call? ClergyBusters!

Does your vicar wear sandals with socks?

Are you a Methodist whose minister is a Calvinist?

Is the pastor thinking of taking out the pews?

Then you need to get rid of them as soon as possible. Why waste time sending emails to the bishop/superintendent/God? They're just too likely to talk about rules and process, act fairly, want evidence, delay things, or threaten to call the police on you.

But now, you can phone ClergyBusters! Simply phone the ClergyBusters! hotline, and then enter the following number to be directed to an expert in dealing with your specific clerical problem.....

01  Has a beard
02   Carries a burning thurible at all times
03   Rings the bells in the early hours (not a euphemism)
04   Says "call me Chazza"
05   Keeps goats
06   Sabellian
07   Semi-Pelagian
08   Hemi-Demi-Semi-Pelagian
09   Removed the pews
10   Installed pews
11   Sleeps in the pews at night, because his wife has thrown him out for snoring.
12   Burnt the pews
13   Conducts exorcisms in the creche
14   Wears a onesie on day off
15   Wears a onesie at Mass
16   Wants to knock out the walls to form "a really exciting worship space"
17   Cancelled 6pm BCP, just because the last person attended in 1967
18   Doesn't believe in God
19   Doesn't believe in the Bishop
20   Has a rottweiler called "Beelzebub"
21   Converts the box pews into a sauna
22   Likes Enya
23   Wants to be Enya
24   Loves the homeless
25   Moved the homeless into the church
26   Writes a blog
27   Writes a blog pretending to be a violent archdruid
28   Appears on "Gogglebox"
29   Appears on "Crimewatch"
30   Introduces liturgical dance
31   Introduces liturgical trance 
32   Introduces liturgical garage
33   Wears a biretta
34   Rides a lambretta
35   Mostly eats zucchetta
36   Likes lace
37   Really likes lace
38   Can barely be seen for lace
39   Shoots the sparrow trapped in the belfry
40   Claims to be the god of hellfire
41   Paints a representation of their nightmares of the Last Judgement on the whitewashed church  walls. Using highlighters.
42   Relentlessly quotes Jurgen Moltmann
43   Goes hunting
44   Goes shooting
45   Goes dogging
46   Replaces the ancient, noble language of the  BCP with Common Worship
47   Replaces the ancient, noble language of the BCP with the Klingon Prayer Book
48   Believes in the imminent Second Coming
49   Believes s/he is the Second Coming
50   Juggles as a sermon illustration. At every Family Service
51   Converts the baptistry into a jacuzzi
52   Converts the baptistry into a ball pit
53   Introduces a bass guitarist into the music group
54   Introduces death metal into the music group
55   Tells the Church Wardens they'll be first up against the wall when the Revolution comes
56   Does puppet shows in the pulpit instead of Evensong
57   Wears tweed jacket and chinos
58   Laments the dearth of virgins in the village when May Eve is approaching
59   Introduces gestalt therapy instead of Confession
60   Builds an igloo from copies of the Methodist Hymn Book, climbs inside and claims to be a hermit
61   Doesn't answer the manse phone number within three rings, even at 3am when s/he is clearly at   home
62   Seen in the pub
63   Gets tired after 16 hours days
64   Jacks the vicarage up on wheels and takes it on sabbatical
65   Says "it barely seems worth it" after the opening hymn and pronounces the final blessing
66   Puts up bunting when the Treasurer says she may call it a day after 47 years
67   Goes skinny-dipping in the pond on the village green
68   Claims vodka & orange is one of your five a day
69   Doesn't have a beard
70   Puts solar panels on the church roof. On the inside.
71   Changes the choristers' outfits to hi viz and puts UV lighting in the chancel
72   Throws hymn books at people who fall asleep during the sermon
73   Is a bit boring sometimes
74   Phones you up every night to check you've said both Daily Offices.  If not, comes round to read  them with you
75   Eats Creme Eggs in Lent
76    Eats Hot Cross Buns in Advent
77   Insists the opening Procession shuffle on their hands and knees because of "there's a sniper in the  pulpit"
78    Plants wildflowers in the graveyard. Wildflowers that have mysterious stings, beat sticks against  their boles, and wander around the place
79   Replaces the Lady's Bright Hour with a poker tournament
80   Is a woman
81   Bans fair-trade coffee on the grounds that "it only encourages them to be inefficient" 
82   Declares war on the URC
83   Preaches long sermons
84   Rides the Archdeacon out of town on a rail
85   Explains theological mysteries through the medium of mime
86   Believes "Father is always right"
87   Reveals "Father" has been sitting, mummified, in the front room of the manse for 30 years
88   Makes the new curate wear a "Mr Blobby" outfit at all times
89   Talks to trees
90   Hugs trees
91   Claims that trees are her only friends
92   Bishops always go missing after confirmations
93   Sometimes misses whole days after baking "special cakes"
94   Lights the Advent candles in the wrong order
95   Wears Pink on the 4th Sunday in Lent
96   Calls local radio phone-ins claiming to be a lorry-driver called Ken
97   Meetings last too long
98   Punctuates sermons with illustrations in the form of Country & Western ballads
99   Replaces the KJV with the NIV
00  Replaces the KJV with the "Little Book of Calm"

ClergyBusters! Moving the man or woman of God in your life, out of town fast.


  1. Mmm - how do you get the table into the blog?

    1. I have to confess, I was feeling lazy and I'm very bad at details like getting the numbers right.
      So I pasted it from E***l and then removed the fixed columns.
      I'm sorry.
      I'm a bad Archdruid.

  2. We could use a goodly number of these in our next Parish Statement

  3. It must be the Full Moon affecting your creativity - you are batting sixer after sixer here

  4. I've always wondered how to get rid of a Vicar, and this gives me a good guide to give to the Vicar on what we'll be looking for. I'm taking this to my first PCC Meeting next week just to keep him/her/it on their toes.

  5. Phew, I got away with the plastic ducks in the baptistry... at least for now

    1. What!!! There's a problem with plastic ducks????? !!

  6. You stopped just as you were getting into your stride.


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