Good news for progressive church ministers everywhere, and my bank balance!
After a series of highly dubious experiments, Young Keith has managed to genetically engineer a particularly specific form of woodworm. Anobium x pinarigida, the "Pitch-Pine Beetle".
The Pitch-Pine Beetle is unique in being a voracious consumer of only one thing - the wood found in church pews. Any vicar wanting to develop a more innovative liturgical life, but having trouble with the Diocese of Gloucester, for example, has only to let this little beastie loose in the nave. Within three weeks, all that will be left is a series of piles of sawdust - but oaken doors, pulpits and rafters are left intact!
Oh yeah. Mail order only, we'll let you have twenty beetles through the post. Your Faculty problems will soon be at an end.