Sunday, 26 July 2015

Some Things Not to Say in Sermons

"So I'm pretty sure God doesn't like it. But then, what do I know?"

"And I'm sure Mary won't mind me telling you, that time I discovered she was having an affair behind Bernie's back, it was very like what happened to Hosea."

"So I'm going to demonstrate how Paul wants us to run the race of faith, by preaching this sermon while running round the church. Obviously I needed hospital treatment after the last time I used this illustration. Which is why I've not done it since 1982."

"And was it St Augustine or Aleister Cowley who said that? Either way...."

"Can you  imagine what Sampson's last stand must have been like for the Philistines at the feast? Well,  you don't need to!  Leigh! Release the wrecking ball!"

"Gerry is going to represent Elijah. Brady is King Ahab. And the good news for the prophets of Baal is, you won't have to sing "Lord of the Dance" at the end of the service."

"Now this illustration isn't really relevant but it does show me in a very good light."

"And Eutychus was so tired he fell off the windowsill to his death. And would you believe it, when I was preaching just last week....."

"And the Trinity is very like the theory of Non-Inflationary Consistent Expansion in Economics. Inasmuch as they both sound fairly unlikely, I don't understand either, but I'm reckoning you lot don't either."

"And the unmerciful steward went to the servant who owed him 10 denarii and said, "would you like to roll all your debts up into one easy-to-manage loan?" And I think we can all learn something from this"

"OK. So everybody line up in order of how sinful you think you are...."

"As you all know, I regard sermons as a form of prophecy. Which means I don't actually prepare or research them but trust to the Spirit. So a few people have asked me since last week's sermon in which Gospel Jesus received that scar on his temple as a baby, and guess what...."


  1. "Who am I to judge?"

    Though it does help if you refrain from firing off your thoughts extempore in front of a congregation of journalists all eager for a soundbite (or not capable of understanding anything else).

    You know who I feel sorry for? Fr Lombardi, that's who. He must have aged ten years for every one year of this Papacy.

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  3. If you're not going to be allowed to use words in sermons, what's the point?

    I suppose that you could always 'sign' the sermon and some bright spark with an O Level in 'signing' could interpret for you. You'd need to be careful with words such as ἔσχατος or -λογία as they might be interpreted as swear words? Come to think of it, they are in some academic circles.


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