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Thursday, 19 November 2015

Preparation for Morning Devotions

Having conducted a rapid 7-year "Shared Conversation" on the experiences of people who fit spiritual devotions into their morning routine, the Beaker Liturgical Group are pleased to share these experimental rubrics for devotional preparation.

The Pre Preparation

At the sound of the alarm, the worshipper may press the "snooze" button.

At the sound of the second alarm, the worshipper may swear fluently.

[If the worshipper shares their room with a spouse, partner, sibling or other (who are we to judge) the following may be used:

Worshipper: N (or, as it may be, "Sweetie", "Hon", "Bae" or "Me'Duck", do you want a coffee?

N: I do.]

Liturgy of Multitasking

The worshipper may start the bath running, go downstairs to the kitchen, plug in the iron and switch on the coffee machine [Methodists may put on the kettle and put some "instant" in a cup, as may Catholics since Vatican II]

Discovering they have forgotten to bring their blouse/shirt down with them, the worshipper may run back upstairs,  to discover their smartphone alarm is now going off.

Going back downstairs the worshipper realises they were distracted by the phone and forgot to get the shirt/blouse.

The worshipper retrieves the shirt/blouse to discover they forgot to switch the iron on when they plugged it in.

Ministry of waiting for the iron to warm up

During the waiting time, the worshipper may feed the cat or switch the TV on briefly to check out the news.

A Time to Move Swiftly

Noticing water coming through the ceiling, the worshipper will run upstairs very quickly.

A Time of Mopping Up may be introduced at this point.

A Time of Completion

The worshipper irons the blouse/shirt, pours out the coffee [Methodists etc pour boiling water on coffee granules making a vile brew] and takes the coffee and shirt upstairs.

Full Immersion

The worshipper may run enough water out of the bath to accommodate their own volume, in accordance with Archimedes' Principle.

Revelation

The worshipper realises the smartphone is still on the dressing table.

A time of improvisation may take place, until the worshipper realises they have left the iron on and switched off the freezer instead.

From an original idea by Paul Stead

1 comment :

  1. I've never worked out the best position for morning or evening devotions (and I'm not talking about the secular devotions described above.

    In bed - inconvenient, the Book of Common Prayer and Bible and Lectionary become mixed up and I end up reciting the lectionary instead of the prescribed Psalm, Your BCP devotions become mixed with the KJV readings and you sing a Catholic Hymn instead of the prescribed Anglican one.

    On Your Knees - this mode is the preferred mode for any BCP devotions - but it's difficult to kneel on a replacement knee for any length of time, so you end up in a permanent genuflection.

    Sitting - is too comfortable, unless you choose the hard, kitchen chair discarded by a house clearance into a skip. Good for the soul, but if you don't have an amply padded posterior, hard on the bones.

    Standing - my preferred position, arms spread, palms upwards and looking heavenwards - great for all sorts of devotions, but beware standing under the cracks in the kitchen ceiling, which are quite a distraction - this is best done in the garden or conservatory and connects you closer to God than the other three methods.

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