The Real Purpose of the Pyramids

Ben Carson received ridicule this week for saying, apparently on the basis of the story of Joseph, that the Egyptian pyramids were grain stores.

It's worth remembering that this is not, by a long chalk, the silliest thing a US presidential hopeful - even a Republican - has said. Some are against gun control, for goodness's sake.

I often find the story of Joseph problematic, as the buzz word is. I presume that all the stuff with the coat of many colours and the hungry years must have happened in the period when he fled to Egypt with Mary and the Holy Infant, as otherwise the chronology makes no sense. Unless Joseph did his stuff with Pharaoh first, then married Mary and then he knew where to go when they had to run away from Herod. I guess that works better, but typical of the Bible to offer such discrepancies.

I digress. It seems clear to me that the grain stores theory is wrong. The buildings are the wrong shape and they have internal rooms that would stop the grain flowing down to the bottom.

No, the pyramids were in fact just the first stage in an elaborate plot by a race of hyper-intelligent, pan-dimensional alien beings. The creation of the pyramids - which they encouraged by appearing in front of the Pharaohs with fake noses, pretending to be the god Thoth - was the setting of the seed in the hearts of men and women. But mostly men.

The final stage is being played out now, on the screens of the History Channel. All over the world, capable middle-aged men are lured into watching endless programmes on the mysteries of the pyramids. Trendy young archaeologists pout to camera as they detail how the unknown Pharaoh Tutankhameron is depicted in an unthinkable act on the walls of the tomb, thanks to the work of an evil servant who was passed over for promotion.

For make no mistake. These aliens plan imminently to invade this world for its plentiful supplies of bagels. The need for a reliable supply of bagels has, indeed, caused more and more terrible wars than any other cause. The galaxy has now been swept clean of its formerly rich bagel planets, formed in the depths of cosmic time. But these aliens, monitoring a small subjected race in a corner of ancient Egypt, saw that they had discovered the concept of the bagel and foresaw, with ineffable alien foresight, that one day this product would be available across the whole Western world.

And so now, as they prepare to invade and strip our lovely blue-green planet of its bagel riches, they are attracting the aging male population to watch pyramid mystery programmes so as to engage the people who could resist their evil invasion. For the aliens fear none of our weapons - no rockets, no nuclear bombs, no ring of cold steal. But they fear carpentry.

Yes, carpentry. There's nothing scares the average alien as much as a good dove-tail joint. And with all the ageing men in the front room, pondering the mystery of the tomb of Pharaoh Aniseed III, they know they will be safe from reliable joinery.

Friends, I beg you. Petition your local TV providers to show more programmes about the destruction of the Minoan civilization, and fewer about Ancient Egypt. Only by getting the old blokes of our planet off their sofas and out into their toolsheds can we hope to save our planet's bagels.