The Beaker Alternative Budget

There are one or two Beaker People going around the place looking forward to this afternoon's Budget, and convinced it will be full of good news.  I'm not sure what planet they're living on, but continue to be grateful they exist.  It's optimistic, idealistic people with money that make this Community what it is.

For the rest of you I've copied the proposals for a Beaker Alternative Budget, which I have emailed to the Chancellor.  Well to be honest, I emailed it to a random recipient.  But I'm sure the Government has read it anyway.  These proposals will form the core of the Beaker Party's manifesto at the next General Election or Husborne Crawley by-election.

Our proposals:

• Swingeing increases in airport taxes and aviation fuel.  When you're on the Luton Airport fligh path it's murder on your quiet times.
  
• Removal of the VAT on repairs to Moot Houses.
  
• A special tea light tax, where 4p for every tea light bought in this country goes towards recycling all the aluminium that is used.
  
• Halve the duty on beer sold in pubs, so people go out and meet friends again instead of sitting at home getting out of it on supermarket booze.  To replace the lost duty, and discourage teenage drinking, a doubling of duty on alcohol sold in the off-trade.
  
• An extra road-widening tax on 4x4s, so the rest of us can get past them in narrow country lanes.
  
• A car-park building tax on 4x4s, to pay for all the extra spaces we need because the average 4x4 takes up a space and a half.
  
• The right for everyone in the country to go round to an MP's designated second home, and take one thing we like the look of.
  
• All MPs with second homes to be forced to take in one homeless person as a lodger.
  
• A 1p per tweet tax on Twitter.  That'll either shut Stephen Fry up or bankrupt him.
• 10p per flag to be levied on people flying their national flags when they happen to be in a football tournament.  Since this would bear unfairly heavily on the English, we would also bring in taxes on being Welsh.
• An "Iona tax" on the singing of "Celtic" songs with worthy sentiments but rotten poetry.

I hope you can see that the Beaker Party will have the interests of this country at its heart. 

And probably get more votes than New Labour.