Monday 16 June 2014

15 Effective Habits of Successful Church Leaders

Do you look at other, more successful, Church Leaders and wonder how they do it? Do you have a non-envious and strictly unselfish desire to be more successful than they are?

Well, worry no more. Help is at hand. Here is my list of ways to be a successful church leader. Not all the habits are suitable for everybody - women, for example, miss out quite badly on a couple of them But don't blame me - blame the Pope.

1. Having a large congregation. Successful church leaders tend to have lots of people in their church.

2. Always making time for breathing. Church leaders who don't breathe are generally better at being former church leaders.

3. Being a man. Especially if you're a Roman Catholic.

4. Reading the Bible. It reduces the chances of somebody catching you out with a question like "who was Noah?" or "how many wise men were there?"

5. Checking the mirror on the way out of the vestry, always think "teeth and beard." Make sure your smile is fixed and your beard prophetic. Unless you're a woman, in which case you failed point 3 anyway. May as well give up.

6. Learning to "power nap" through meetings, so you are awake at the end when people may try to launch guerilla AOB attacks.

7. Having a big car. This impresses the faithful that God is on your side.

8. Always knowing you are right. People say "What sort of monstrous religious leader rules by fear, intimidation, and claiming they have a hot line to God?" Well, if it's good enough for Moses.....
9. Never reading theology books. They make you doubt your certainties.

10. When in doubt, asking yourself - "What would Mark Driscoll do?" He's a successful church leader.

11. Setting up a Twitter account that only tweets automated platitudes. That makes people into successful church leaders. Unless correlation and causality really are different things.

12. Coming up with your own ludicrous explanation for why Evolution did not happen. Some people will swallow it. People who don't really grasp Science, sure. But if your target market is people who don't understand Science and intolerant people, you're never gonna be lonely.

13. Never turning down a meeting. This must be a really good habit, as it's so popular with Church leaders.

14. Having a really good back-story. Kind of X-factor with salvation instead of a record deal. If you don't have one, making one up can help.  Nobody will bother checking. If they do, offer money or a job as an Elder.

14. Having an attractive wife (see point 3). Unless you're a Catholic. Unless you came over to the Ordinariate. Although, to be fair, in that case you're unlikely to be that successful.

15. Eating. Again, all successful church leaders ensure they eat relatively often. Sure, many of them advice fasting. And it's OK on occasions. Just don't get it confused with a long term option.

16. Ability to number lists correctly and proof read (see 14).

Evil vicar via Anglican Memes


  1. I just want to point out the Pope Francis fails on points 5 (no beard), 7 (unless you count the popemobile, and at least he gives others a ride), 9 (he has at least read a book by Walter Kasper - and I suspect he has read others) and 12 (as far as I am aware , he is 'on message' with the Catholic Church's acceptance of evolution). He also, of course, fails 14(ii), though he did have a nice girlfriend once.

  2. Writing a book. Surely that is something that successful church leaders do.

  3. And the Orthodox don't let their bishops marry, either. And their priests have to get married before their ordained.


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