The Art of the Stroppy Church Resignation Letter

Dear Church Secretary and Council¹

It is with a heavy heart ² that I submit my resignation.

I have been a member of Slimewold Church for 43 years³ and have seen many good ministers in my time⁴. We have had our differences, but we have worked through them in a democratic manner^5.

I have made many suggestions as to how our Church could move forwards, engage with the community, and grow ⁶. But now Revd Peasmere has announced that the tea light stand is to be moved to the vestibule, rather than on the opposite side of the chapel to the pulpit.

The tea light stand was donated to the chapel by a member of my family^7. If they knew that a minister, merely through a disputed vote in the Church Committee⁸ had banished that donation - paid for from their life's savings⁹  - they would never have made that gift. The tea light stand has been in place for generations¹⁰, and we will not see its like again. You have ruined the integrity of this beautiful, historic, unchanged ¹¹ chapel. I sometimes wonder whether dark forces have been at work in this fellowship of ours ¹² .

If the minister cannot ¹³ address the very real issues facing the church, rather than superficial matters of church furniture ¹⁴ , I fear for the future of the fellowship. Indeed, unless God has mercy ¹⁵, the congregation may cease to exist.

Yours in sorrow rather than anger

Chas N Davey

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1  - make sure it's addressed to the Church Council. This is your moment to embarrass the minister. So ensure it's read out under "Correspondence"
2 - ensure that, though you're resigning, you make it clear you're being forced out.
3 -  a lot longer than the current minister
4 - implying the good ones are in the past.
5 - not that you're suggesting there are any tyrants around at the moment
6 - do not go into details. That there were "many" is good. Listing them might open up angles of attack for the minister.
7 - almost certainly true. And if not, refer to point 3.
8 - you disputed it, at any rate.
9 - thus implying that, by moving the tea light stand, the minister is effectively robbing you of your inheritance
10 - see point 3
11 - unchanged since they removed the original asbestos roofing, at any rate
12 - directly accusing the minister of being in league with the Horned One is better saved for the pub, or the Ladies' Bright Hour.
13 - challenge the minister's ability. It's so much nicer than impugning someone's intentions.
14 - hope nobody remembers your previous insistence on the importance of the tea light stand. You've bigger fish to fry
15 - it is obligatory to say the church will die. But best avoid looking like a fool, just in case.