Saturday 15 December 2018

All Round to Andrew Milligan's House for Brexmas

I would like to thank the estimable Andrew Brown for the lead that led to this amazing letter from Mr Andrew Milligan of Southampton. In it he suggests that Brussels sprouts be renamed, in the light of Brexit, to "British sprouts". And finishes with the suggestion that "readers ...will join me in taking back control and tucking into a plate of British sprouts on 25 December."

Cut to Mr Milligan's house, 25 December.... 

Round the table are assorted red-faced men, some people who don't understand how trade or logistics operate or what financial services are, and a token Church of England cleric who thinks that, since God loves the poor, it's a great idea to make everybody poorer.

Andrew Milligan: "Please, Token Vicar, would you like to say "grace".

Token Vicar: "We thank you God for the manifold blessings you have proffered us, and particularly for these plates of Brussels Sprouts..."

Andrew Milligan: "Pssst: British Sprouts."

Token Vicar: "...British sprouts with which we celebrate this holy day. And we rejoice that through your mighty Brexit, the mighty shall be cast down. And so shall the lowly. And though your promised land shall flow with neither milk (for the subsidies will wither) nor honey (for we shall repeal the EU regulations against neonicotinoid bee-killing pesticides) we shall nonetheless feast on freedom and sprouts. Amen."

AM: "It's nice that you all came round. Albeit when I invited you to join me, I meant metaphorically."

Boris Johnson: "To be honest though. When you said a plate of British sprouts, I thought that was metaphorical and you just meant a few with the usual Christmas fare, mutatis mutandum etc - you know, onion gravy...."

AM: "Onions originated in Central Asia. We're not withdrawing from one continent just to put ourselves in hock to another."

BJ: "...potatoes"

AM: "I will only buy subsidy-free, tariff-free, WTO potatoes. And since those don't exist..."

BJ: "...turkey...."

AM: "Allow one turkey into my kitchen and before I know it there will be 2 million here. No offence, Boris."

BJ: "Champagne...."

Tim Martin: "You can drink Spitfire Best Bitter and thank Brexit that it's still 50p off on Mondays. Though prices will be rising due to .... erm.... how can I put this?"

BJ: "So just sprouts."

AM: "British sprouts."

Nigel Farage: "And so this is Brexmas."

The ghost of John Lennon: "And what have you done?"

BJ: "Goodness knows. Still not Prime Minister."

NF: "Bit smelly in here?"

AM: Well, I have been eating nothing but British sprouts since June 2016....."

Kate Hoey: Andrew, no offence. But was your letter to the Spectator meant to be a parody of what a Brexiter might say?"

AM: "Good question, Kate. Another plate of sprouts?"

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