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Saturday, 15 December 2018

The Church Words You Don't Want to Hear...


"I know it's your day off so figured you'd be free if I phoned early enough."

"The Mothers Union are upset."

"Shame you forgot about the wedding. But the verger assured us it's still legal if a blacksmith does it..." 

"And for the ring-bearer.... I've genetically engineered this archaeopteryx."

"I'd like to thank the vicar for her thoughts, insufficient as they are. And in response, I'd just like to offer to you what God is saying."

Self-Supporting Ministers

"It's the vicar. I know it's your Sunday off and yesterday was "Gin Frenzy at the Hanged Man". But the arthritis has struck. Can you take the 8am?"  

"Given it's you, not the vicar - the choir have had a few ideas."

"While I'm on holiday, can you take the wedding? The bride's 8 months, her family wants revenge and you probably want to install a metal detector in the porch."


"The minister's lost her voice so we need a stand-in service leader."

"Drip. Drip. Drip." 


"Then I realised this theme fits neatly into discrete points, each starting with the successive letters of the alphabet."

"I am the god of hell fire. And I bring you fire...." 

"The minister's lost her voice. But the good news is we have an emergency service leader."


  1. (This is a real one, apparantly):
    At the Monday staff meeting, the curate relates his first wedding in the absence of the vicar. "I think I forgot to get the couple to sign the register."

    1. The worst disaster. At least if you get a funeral wrong they're still buried.

  2. I had a real one on Sunday.
    'For the fourth time in twenty-one years you allowed your sermon to become political.'

    1. You get another chance in 5 years or so then.


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