Archdruid: A happy Anniversary of the Compulsion of Clerical Celibacy!
All: And also with you.
Archdruid: Although this doesn't apply to druids, I hasten to add.
All: Not to Young Keith at any rate.
Archdruid: Oh he's not been out on the pull again?
All (apart from Keith): Even unto last night. Even unto the 8th or 9th public house and nightclub.
Archdruid: That's it then. Somebody get me those castratori. I'm having no more angry boyfriends turning up at the Great House demanding to see that wally again.
Keith: I'm just running off and I may be some time.
All: And also with you.
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Black Shuck
We've heard rumours once again that Old Black Shuck has been seen wandering the place. Bedforshire has always been a bit of a safe haven for him.
Now, some think he's a devil dog. Some say that if you shout at him you'll die. Others say that it's a spirit of the Old Religion, displaced by the Celtic Christians with their bodhrans and dodgy poetry.
Whatever. There's a bowl of chopped liver up on the draining board. If he starts hanging around outside, and he doesn't get run over by Mr Toad, can someone stick it out for him? I don't like to encourage them, but they're nasty when they're hungry, are Shucks
Now, some think he's a devil dog. Some say that if you shout at him you'll die. Others say that it's a spirit of the Old Religion, displaced by the Celtic Christians with their bodhrans and dodgy poetry.
Whatever. There's a bowl of chopped liver up on the draining board. If he starts hanging around outside, and he doesn't get run over by Mr Toad, can someone stick it out for him? I don't like to encourage them, but they're nasty when they're hungry, are Shucks
UPS
Forget to mention earlier. Young Keith's experiment with Pneumocouples was a total disaster. In the first place he'd failed to realise that what Burton was measuring was actually the worshippers' Actual temperature. The reason those Methodist Ladies were warmer was because they always insist on wearing those furry hats. In the second place, he'd actually plugged his pneumodynamic probe into their kettle plug socket. It was good old fashioned 240V AC that took out his machine, not a psycho-thermal differential.
Unfortunately he's put the Great House electric on the fritz in the process. Not such bad news for people in general, as we tend to ration creature comforts anyway. But my computer was nearly wrecked this morning. Up and down like a caffeinated Chelsea defender, as we used to say in the old days. Still, it seems OK now. But if you should notice at some point in the next few days that you've heard nothing lately from these quarters, you'll know why.
Unfortunately he's put the Great House electric on the fritz in the process. Not such bad news for people in general, as we tend to ration creature comforts anyway. But my computer was nearly wrecked this morning. Up and down like a caffeinated Chelsea defender, as we used to say in the old days. Still, it seems OK now. But if you should notice at some point in the next few days that you've heard nothing lately from these quarters, you'll know why.
More Spring
There's a real Wind in the Willows theme about the place now. Burton just turned up in his convertible, roof down and horn going "poop poop".
But it's still freezing. We've been pushing hot toddies into him and providing him with hot water bottles. So we're optimistic that by the end of the night he may be a lighter shade of blue.
But it's still freezing. We've been pushing hot toddies into him and providing him with hot water bottles. So we're optimistic that by the end of the night he may be a lighter shade of blue.
Thought for the Day
The good thing about invisible friends is they're cheaper to take out for a coffee.
And a talking rat
Merely having thought about Spring seems to cause it to come on apace. Not two minutes ago I went out to yell at Young Keith to get on with re-wattling the Doily Shed wall he blew up earlier, and a talking rat, a mole and a badger ran past chasing a toad in a small car.
It's really bad news, Spring springing so rapidly like that. Now we're going to have keep an eye out for the Piper at the Gates of Dawn. And his hooves make such a mess on the fields when they're as muddy as this.
It's really bad news, Spring springing so rapidly like that. Now we're going to have keep an eye out for the Piper at the Gates of Dawn. And his hooves make such a mess on the fields when they're as muddy as this.
Cold Harbour Spinney
Remarking on the Starkadder clan has caused me to remember that the Furzton estate in Milton Keynes is associated with the "Cold Harbour" fields. I wonder if there is a linguistic link with Cold Comfort Farm? Perhaps a "Cold Harbour" is likewise a place where you can stay, but without really enjoying any creature comforts. If so, most unlike Furzton - which is very pleasant, with nice houses that look like houses and a rather nice lake.
Nearly Spring?
I note that Judith Starkadder, on sight of the wandering man, has decided Spring may be in the air.
I think she may be wrong, but you can only hope. There may no longer be anything nasty in the woodshed, but it still doesn't seem to be a bundle of laughs on Cold Comfort Farm.
I think she may be wrong, but you can only hope. There may no longer be anything nasty in the woodshed, but it still doesn't seem to be a bundle of laughs on Cold Comfort Farm.
Cheap, Renewable and Useless
Worshippers as a renewable energy source. Why has nobody thought of it before?
See, when Eileen told me about Burton's new research into Spiritual Temperature, I had a bright idea.
Burton's proved that he can measure the Spiritual Temperature of a worshipper and that there can be quite a difference between different environments. But according to the 2nd Law of Pneumodynamics, you can't tap the Spiritual Temperature directly. But you can if you can somehow attach a spiritual themocouple - a pneumocouple - between points of different Spiritual Temperature. I estimated that between a Pentecostal meeting and the prayers at the start of a PCC meeting, I could generate maybe 0.3 milliWimbers - enough to power a small town, or maybe Mad Priest's comments pages.
I wanted to start on a slightly smaller scale. So I hooked up the "positive" end to the Beaker People's Worship Focus Festival - seventeen "stations" scattered around the Moot House, from the "consider the beauty of an elephant" icon to the "creative tambourines" workshop. And I attached the "negative" end to the local Methodist Ladies' Bright Hour. There's only three of them left, and they mostly have a cup of coffee and a natter.
Well, you've already imagined what happened. That's because you're probably cleverer than I am. You're all druids, rectors, priestesses and bishops and things and I just work for Mid-Beds Council.
So it turned out the real source of spiritual power was the small, dusty room off a decrepit chapel just over the Buckinghamshire border. While 50 Beaker Folk making themselves feel self-fulfilled and signing ancient praises didn't generate enough spiritual energy to blow your hat off. My machine, effectively having Live plugged into Earth and vice-versa, suffered a massive unexpected power surge. Took out the wall of the Doily Shed. Eileen is, once again, really annoyed and I now share with the Mona Lisa the absence of eyebrows.
Don't forget, I do these experiments because you don't want to.
See, when Eileen told me about Burton's new research into Spiritual Temperature, I had a bright idea.
Burton's proved that he can measure the Spiritual Temperature of a worshipper and that there can be quite a difference between different environments. But according to the 2nd Law of Pneumodynamics, you can't tap the Spiritual Temperature directly. But you can if you can somehow attach a spiritual themocouple - a pneumocouple - between points of different Spiritual Temperature. I estimated that between a Pentecostal meeting and the prayers at the start of a PCC meeting, I could generate maybe 0.3 milliWimbers - enough to power a small town, or maybe Mad Priest's comments pages.
I wanted to start on a slightly smaller scale. So I hooked up the "positive" end to the Beaker People's Worship Focus Festival - seventeen "stations" scattered around the Moot House, from the "consider the beauty of an elephant" icon to the "creative tambourines" workshop. And I attached the "negative" end to the local Methodist Ladies' Bright Hour. There's only three of them left, and they mostly have a cup of coffee and a natter.
Well, you've already imagined what happened. That's because you're probably cleverer than I am. You're all druids, rectors, priestesses and bishops and things and I just work for Mid-Beds Council.
So it turned out the real source of spiritual power was the small, dusty room off a decrepit chapel just over the Buckinghamshire border. While 50 Beaker Folk making themselves feel self-fulfilled and signing ancient praises didn't generate enough spiritual energy to blow your hat off. My machine, effectively having Live plugged into Earth and vice-versa, suffered a massive unexpected power surge. Took out the wall of the Doily Shed. Eileen is, once again, really annoyed and I now share with the Mona Lisa the absence of eyebrows.
Don't forget, I do these experiments because you don't want to.
In 100 years we'll probably all be dead
9 March 2110.
Those fridges you absolutely had to sell over the Easter weekend rusted in five years. They've been recycled 7 times now, and parts of them are currently the casings of the latest design in beer kegs. So at least they're useful now, in their way.
That girl you fancied in the bar that night in Croydon so much that you betrayed your wife has been ash since 2065. Still, she was quite attractive at the time. Though she's not so much now
The CEO everyone was so scared of has been dead since 2032. He could never quite take a rest from the job, till his heart decided it wanted to retire.
The IT project you had to deliver or the world would end - it lasted 5 years before it was superceded. And the world didn't end.
Six months after your massive company re-organisation, it was taken over by a company that simplified the organisation by scrapping the whole thing. That was a lot of wasted organisational diagrams and flowcharts.
That light bulb you spent an hour arguing about at a Church Committee burnt out in 2013.
£10 invested in a well in Africa has been gaining interest ever since. That's a lot of treasure in heaven.
Those fridges you absolutely had to sell over the Easter weekend rusted in five years. They've been recycled 7 times now, and parts of them are currently the casings of the latest design in beer kegs. So at least they're useful now, in their way.
That girl you fancied in the bar that night in Croydon so much that you betrayed your wife has been ash since 2065. Still, she was quite attractive at the time. Though she's not so much now
The CEO everyone was so scared of has been dead since 2032. He could never quite take a rest from the job, till his heart decided it wanted to retire.
The IT project you had to deliver or the world would end - it lasted 5 years before it was superceded. And the world didn't end.
Six months after your massive company re-organisation, it was taken over by a company that simplified the organisation by scrapping the whole thing. That was a lot of wasted organisational diagrams and flowcharts.
That light bulb you spent an hour arguing about at a Church Committee burnt out in 2013.
£10 invested in a well in Africa has been gaining interest ever since. That's a lot of treasure in heaven.
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