Depth of Sleep By Length of Church Committee

We answer the questions you're all asking.

Like - just how deeply do people go to sleep during the average, non-violent church committee?

Some said it couldn't be measured. That you shouldn't interfere in these dark, sacred mysteries.

Whereas we snuck into a local Anglican Church Hall when the entire PCC was asleep. And this is what we discovered.

Petrichoresis: Or, the Dance of Spring Rain on Dry Earth

Sung and Danced at the First Falling of  Gentle Rain after a "Heatwave" of 2 or more days

O Petrichor! O Petrichor!
It's what we have our nostrils for!
Fresh scent of dampened, dusty stone
So, when it rains, we will not moan.

Hebrexit "Could Cause Plagues"

The stakes were raised in the Egyptian referendum today, as Moses warned that, should the Hebrews remain in the Egyptian Union, the consequences could be:
The River Nile turning to blood;
Locusts and gnats;
A Plague of Darkness;
Death of Firstborn;
The degradation of the Pharaoh's armed forces.

However the Hebrewsceptics  pointed out that while membership of the Egyptian Union did mean the Hebrews were under Egyptian control on areas such as slavery and the new No-Straw Brick-making Regulations, there are watermelons and fleshpots in Egypt. They are also concerned that there may be giants in Canaan.

Pharaoh's wisest men have watched the migration of birds and slaughtered a goat to inspect the entrails, and are saying the referendum is "too close to call."

"That" Local Elections Map - The real original graphic

There's been a lot of fuss over a local elections map that has absolutely nothing to do with the actual results in the election, but has been retweeted and shared on Facebook many, many times with no real critical thought process.

Well, we've been off to the Electoral Reform Committee, and they've got the definitive map. I'm glad to share it with you, to put the record straight.

How to Draw a Unicorn

Bit of a disaster, this weekend's retreat. "How to draw a unicorn" was an autocorrect error in the advertising for "an icon".

All those pictures of St Athanasius with a massive horn on his nose have been declared historically incorrect and possibly heretical.

That They May All be One

”I ask not only on behalf of these, but also on behalf of those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one." (John 17:20)

We've been through several weeks of quite a nasty election campaign. No General Election - but a series of local ones, plus the Assembly elections in London, Wales and Scotland. London has a population bigger than the other two put together of course. And yet, to its credit, it has yet to ask for an independence referendum.

The London campaign is the nasty one I'm thinking of in particular. Some pretty nasty insinuations from Zac Goldsmith about Sadiq Khan. And alongside it - well, it started with a rightish-wing website bringing up some old quotes off the Social Media accounts of some Labour MPs and councillors. All of whom are still suspended from the Labour Party, last time I looked. But the thing was, when these things came to light, we weren't expecting that Ken Livingstone was going to go the full Basil Fawlty on the matter.

But he did.

But.

Sadiq Khan has written a piece in the Observer today that is eminently sensible and comprehensive. He isn't complimentary either about the Conservative campaign, or about the current way the leadership of the Labour party is going. But he writes some cracking stuff:

"I have one burning ambition for London that will guide every decision I make – ensuring that all Londoners can have the same opportunities to get on in life that London gave me. Everyone – regardless of their background, wealth, race, faith, gender, sexual orientation or age – should be able to fulfil their potential and succeed."

"My slogan was “A Mayor for all Londoners”. It should never be about “picking sides”, a “them or us” attitude, or a having a political strategy to target just enough of the population to get over the line. Our aim should be to unite people from all backgrounds as a broad and welcoming tent – not to divide and rule."

We are all one humanity. Made of one flesh, descended from the same ultimate parents, sharing our strengths, brilliance and weakness. We have no right to denigrate another because of where they come from, their race or sexual orientation. We are all made in one image - the image of God. We are all one humanity.

Jesus's prayer is for all believers in him. His Church would expand, from that small group in the Upper Room on the day before his execution, to a family that today encompasses people of all ethnic backgrounds, ages, origins and - yes - sexual orientations. We can be the model of what it means to be united. Because we should show that in our Church. We should accept that you don't have to be like me, and I don't have to be like you - because, if we stop bigging ourselves up or trying to hide our own deepest fears that it's actually we that are letting the side down - we can see that we are all made in the image of God, and remade in the image of Christ.

Sadiq Khan's words challenge me - because they're a challenge to the Church. We are not called to deny that Christ is God. But we are called, among those who give themselves his name, to show what it means to be one. To be open. To be loving. To be uniting. To be welcoming.

So we the Church are to share Jesus's glory, and to see it. And to know that others may see it differently, because their perspectives are different. And to open our hearts to others and love, as he loves us. And because his name is known to us, to act like him. That we may all be one.

A Grim Day for London

Brothers and sisters, I am shocked to discover that Sadiq Khan has been elected as Mayor of London. This can only mean disaster, moral turpitude and decay for the City of London. It can be truly said, as the hash tag has it - and I have no idea what that means, but the soi-disant Archdruid Eileen told me this - #Londonhasfallen.

Sadiq Khan is - and I hardly dare say this to you - an advocate of the bicycle as a means of transport.

The  bicycle! After all, what can be more ungodly than the use of a bicycle?

Brothers and sisters, I sense doubt among you. What, you are asking yourself, could be more simple, ecologically friendly, unpolluting and space saving than a bicycle? What could be nicer, you may ask yourself, than a gentle trip down a cycle superhighway - whatever that is - on a sunny afternoon in the summer time?

Sisters, I must ask you to leave the blog now. Your menfolk - ideally husbands, as this may be too delicate for a brother or father - will have to interpret the following to your own emotional states and intellectual frailty based on their own knowledge. I am unable to share this information safely with a wide range of people of the alternative, submissive, complementary and in all ways definitely equal if slightly more fragile gender.

Bicycles, brothers, depend upon the use of our legs.

There, I have said it. What more can I add than that? Can you imagine a young lady of the opposite sex, legs working rapidly as she cycles down the road in a pair of Spandex trousers or - according to the weather - flowery skirt with broad-brimmed hat? Do you realise that her cycling will almost certainly be making her more physically fit? Can you imagine her, slightly out of breath, struggling up the hill from Bletchley towards Bow Brickhill? Can you imagine it?

A Clergyman tries not to think about cycling

Well, stop imagining it. It is most ungodly. What do you think you are playing at? You are worse than the heathen.

That, brothers, is why cycling is ungodly. We know the punishment that God set aside for those that cycled in the Old Testament - he broke their chains (Psalm 107:14).

No, brothers and any sisters who, disobeying Paul's instructions on obedience, have remained to read this full article. The Lord is a lamp unto our feet, not our handlebars.

Ye godly in London, come out of her, for great is the fall thereof. The evil bicycle has won the day.

Ascension Day Postponed

That's the trouble with Bank Holidays. Yesterday we thought it was Tuesday, so we lined up today as "A Wednesday Wonder", when we project images of amazing and terrifying animals on the wall and wonder why God created those.

Means we hadn't sorted out the hot air balloon, tightrope, ladders and parachutes that are a necessary part of a Beaker Ascension Day.

So we'll celebrate Ascension Day tomorrow. Sure, it's a day late.

But still, we're two days ahead of the Catholics.

Festival of Karl Barth - Book Now

Next week we will celebrate the festival of Karl Barth by a pilgrimage to Bath. A great man and amazing thinker. An amazing theologian whom not a single Beaker person has read, but who definitely changed the way we think about... Oh I don't know. Didn't he say something about Revelation?

Still, he is revered both as a great thinker and as the inventor of the bath, and founder of Baden-Baden in Germany and Bath in Somerset. A genius. All those Georgian terraces. Or is that Cheltenham? Either way. I can't wait.

There used to be a copy of his "Evangelical Theology" in the library. Might as well have been written in German. Unfortunately we left it next to a book by Rowan Williams and they collapsed under their own gravity into a very small black hole.

Instead of Hawkins radiation, the Barth-Williams Black Hole emits a stream of complex and incomprehensible profundity. We've had to tape the library off to keep children away.

So book now. Spaces are going quicker than your hope when you realise that Church Dogmatics comprises 13 volumes.

How to Sack Church Volunteers

Sorry for the strong headline. But, you know, clickbait.

But it's a real problem isn't it? Dealing with Church volunteers who aren't doing their jobs very well. Greeters who are massive introverts and hide behind the pews of a Sunday morning. Cleaners who are allergic to polish. Flower arrangers with hay fever.

In the secular, paid world this is relatively well set out, if unpleasant. If somebody is underperforming at their job you have a quiet chat. Offer training if that's the need. Perhaps suggest another department (ie not yours) where they will be better-suited.

If there is no improvement you give them a verbal warning. Which you write down. Then a written warning. Which you also write down. They may have a period to improve.

Then you get the appropriate legal/HR advice and sack them.

This is the private sector, of course. And even then there'd always the option of promoting them out of harm's way. Can't speak for the public sector. You probably have to retire them with a "K" or something.

In Churches it's different. Churches are largely powered by volunteers. And volunteers are as near to unsackable as you can get. Quite often because who's gonna replace them in any case?

But sometimes it's got to be done. Take a typical example. Snodgrass says he'll run the Facebook page. He goes off with a camera full of ideas and enthusiasm. He's gonna reach out to the community and, indeed, the world.

Four years later, the page is still proudly displaying one post, saying "Happy Christmas." From the day after he set the page up. Something must urgently be done.

The steps to removing Snodgrass are as follows:

Suggest he might be busy, and need help. Be assured no, he's fine, and he's really getting down to it.

Leave it six months for nothing to change. Suggest that Rosebud, who's a web developer and everything and even has a computer, might jump at the chance.

Be told no, it's just teething troubles and there's gonna be weekly notices and everything. And a thought for the day. And lovely virtual tours of the church. Just as soon as he's got a couple of hours.

Leave it six months. Report to the Church Committee that things are definitely happen.

Suggest to a few Church elder statespeople that Snodgrass might need to be pushed off the job more assertively - like actually telling him to invite Rosebud to be another administrator. Get told you're a heartless get, and don't you know how Mrs Snodgrass left him 35 years ago and the Facebook page is his life?

Leave it six months. Suggest that, as he now lives in New Zealand, it may be difficult for Snodgrass to keep the Facebook page up. Get told no it's fine, and doing the Facebook page keeps him in touch with the old place.

Feel a calling to another Church.

Feeling Sorry for Labour Party Members

Diane Abbott tells us it's a smear to say that Labour has an anti-semitism problem.

When it turns out that a Labour MP - and one who saw off the appalling Galloway - tweeted an image suggesting Israel be transported to the Mid-West of America, that wasn't a smear.

When a leading Labour politician, out of a clear blue sky, decided to say that Hitler was a Zionist on the basis of a controversial "historian", that wasn't a smear.

When another member of the Labour party called him out for it, and some set up a petition calling for that other member to be expelled - that wasn't a smear.

The decent, non-discriminatory members of the Labour Party - who make up the vast majority - who joined because that was the way they believed they could build a decent country - must be crying into their tea or flat beer according to choice. Because they personally don't have an anti-semitism problem.

And the leadership, if it's capable, should get a grip. Ordering an investigation is what you do when you don't want to know the answers for a little while. Just ask Lord Chilcott.

If the Labour Party has an anti-semitism problem, it needs to get rid of it quickly. Because we need a strong opposition, a decent alternative, somebody we can vote for when we want to get rid of the current shower. If Labour has a problem, we all do.