English Church in the Snow.... The Summary

People: Wow! Snow!

People in Villages: Better wrap up. Wonder where the vicar is?

Suburban / City Centre Gathered Evangelical Churches:  Service off due to snow.

The Organist: Can we not sing anything in Eb? The pedal sticks in cold weather.

Elderly female Methodists: Best stick an extra dead cat on my head.

 4x4-owning Churchgoers who live in Chelsea: Best not risk it. There might be a flake at some point.

"Forget the service - let's just look at the church"

Anglo Catholics: Yeah, still on. We've borrowed an organist.

 People who normally try not to mention how few people come to their church: "Four people at church this morning!"

People who live near their churches: What's the matter with you people that don't get to church?

Churchwardens Everywhere: The oil-powered boiler cannae take it, Reverend.

Facebook: Pictures of the Church in the snow.

People in Newcastle: Might put on another layer. Nah. The Sunday vest should be enough.

Major James Dumpling of Little Tremlett: Maybe an extra tot before I set out.

People in Scotland: Sorry, what's all the excitement?

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!

Scapegoat of the Year 2017

It's that time of year when we get in early with the Beaker Scapegoat of the Year award, before all the other things of the year. Except Time's Person (Not Donald Trump) of the Year.

Clearly, DT himself is a prime candidate for Scapegoat of the Year. These days, when Beaker parents want their little Beaker children to be home before dark, they tell them that if it gets too late, Donald Trump will get them. But, despite his track record of causing chaos in the Middle East, oppressing black people, encouraging gun culture and generally being a grade "A" Assange, he has at least succeeded in uniting everybody else against him.

Which brings us to the Three Brexiteers and Maytagnan. Which of this sorry shower would we make the Scapegoat? David Davis, incompetent and unrepentant in equal measures? Boris Johnson, who would have campaigned for Remain if Cameron had wanted Leave, and who has brought settling old public school scores up to an international sport after its 100 year hiatus? Or the other one with the friend who attends meetings with him for no obvious reason? Of Theresa May herself - we can't make her the Scapegoat of the Year because, against all the track record and defiance of the more rabid of her party, she seems to have realised that the best bet is to capitulate to Europe and deliver a Brexit that is as near to staying in the EU, but without any say, as is possible. Which is probably the best bet in the circumstances.

In the footballing world, Sir Alex Ferguson has retired and Luis Suarez plies his trade in Spain. So they're in the clear. Roy Hodgson is always a good candidate, but he's not really done anything much lately. You what, Hnaef? Crystal Palace? Yeah, like I said.

Last year's Scapegoat was the year itself. But you can only pull that trick once.

And so we get to the world of entertainment. But we're skipping around a lot of people who may well deserve to be scapegoats, but who knows what criminal trials we might be accidentally interfering with? So let's not. But this year's Scapegoat of the the Year is from the world of entertainment.

Or was. He died this year.  And when he did, his Wikipedia entry was updated very rapidly, in extravagant style. It's calmer again now. A  bit.

So, for the Beaker Scapegoat of the Year, we're anointing Norman Clegg from Last of the Summer Wine. Beneath that plastic mac, mild manner and searing wit, turns out he was a right one. Who knows what else he was to blame for?

Not to be trusted

So arise (at the end of time) Norman Clegg. If we make you Scapegoat of the Year now, maybe it will save you trouble later. 

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!

Right on Time for the Apocalypse

Last week I mentioned that there are American evangelicals who want all the Jews back in Israel as a precursor to the battle of Armageddon.

I hadn't realised that Donald Trump would read my post, and decide to get a move on with things.

In the reaction to Trump's announcement that he would move the American embassy to Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, four people have died so far. I fear there will be more.

There are, in my mind, four possibilities as to why Trump has made this decision:

One is that, as Sky mentions, he gets money from people with interests in the right-wing of Israeli politics.

One is that he just gets confused. He's grown up believing that Jerusalem is the Jewish capital, and keeps wondering why the embassy is in the wrong place.

Possibility three - he's heard that Ken Loach's films are often shown in Tel Aviv. And even Donald Trump has standards.

Possibility four is that he is trying to keep in touch with his other base - not the right-wing Israelis, but the right-wing evangelicals previously mentioned.  They're giving him money because they think he is the president most likely to bring about the end of the world - which others might not regard as such a compliment. But in return, knowing that they'd like all the Jewish people back in Israel with a ruler in Jerusalem, he does his best for him. Unfortunately their theology is a bit weird, and he can't quite follow it. But the support is nice. And #MAGA after all.

All they know is what the Bible tells us. Which is nice and simple Deut 30 says that all the Hebrews will return to their land from the nations where they are scattered. Luke 21:24 says the Jews will take Jerusalem back when the times of the Gentiles are fulfilled. Isaiah 35 says the desert will bloom - which has happened since Israelis started irrigating (and causing the Dead Sea to shrink - "and there will be no more sea" [Rev 21:1]^[1])  The Gospel has been pretty much preached to all nations (Mat 24:14).

So the scene is set. Provoke a battle in Jerusalem when the American embassy is set up - if they can get it built at all. Somebody "accidentally" takes out the Dome of the Rock. Some Zionists decide it's time for a 3rd Temple. The prophecies all come together, the planets are in alignment, Pythagoras in the looking glass is reflecting the full moon, and it's hey babe, your supper's waiting for you.

Let's hope he's just doing it cos he doesn't like Ken Loach films.



[1] I made this eschatological inference up.  If any millennial movement would like to use it, I can be persuaded at the usual rates. But all those other references, I've sourced from various Messianic / Apocalyptic websites. People do believe this stuff literally.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!

Cold Weather Programme - Saturday

With the weather having been on the parky side, we're instigating the Cold Weather Liturgies. This morning's "Pouring out of Beakers" has now been redefined as a "Thawing out of Beakers", and will be held in the Dining Hall.

The "Liturgy of Remembrance of Old Ladies Wearing Dead Animals on Their Heads to Church" will be at 2pm. Please wear a dead animal on your head. You may have inherited one from your gran. If not, we have a fine collection of "dead animal hats" in the Beaker Bazaar. Guaranteed cruelty free. We make them from roadkill. In other news, it's "Country Stew" for dinner tonight.

Reminiscences of the Time the Vicar Froze Solid at the Baptism will be at 6pm in the Beaker Bar.

Filling up of Beakers takes place in the kitchen. At least we've got a kettle.

Apologies to all Beaker People whose rooms are cold this morning. We will give you a new system where you can pay for heating using a pre-paid card (available in the Beaker Bazaar). You may think this is a scam to take money off you by preying on your weakness. Well, the Magnificat reminds us that this will mean you're blessed in the end. Really, you should thank me.

The collection of appropriate items for the Food Bank is ongoing. Please only give until it hurts.

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From the creator of the Beaker Folk...

Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!

Immaculate Conception

Tiny dot, you will change the world
Accept your challenge, defy the doubters
face down your loved one's fears
Be filled with grace
know you are blessed.

But blessed - blessed with such pain
A sword to your heart, your loved one broken
your life torn open with your son
And you will weep
most blessed one.

But you will sing with with joy again
when your son defeats death
faces down the devil's plans.
Be filled with hope
know you are loved.

Tiny dot, you will change the world.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!

Nigel Farage Awakes

The details of the deal Theresa May has negotiated with the European Union have come out. And it turns out the UK pays £40bn to keep something that must sound a lot like the current situation of being in the EU, cos otherwise the DUP will be upset and Theresa May won't have a job. But while we will have to be in something that looks awfully like the single market and the customs union (whatever they are) they're not quite the same as otherwise the DUP will be upset and Theresa May will lose her job.

In a cave under Glastonbury, King Arthur stirs. The old cave doesn't seem to be as roomy as he remembers it being when he went to sleep below the Tor. There's him and his Gwinny and all the Knights, sure. Plus Frederick Barbarossa and all his bunch. When did Charlemagne get in here? Plus Bran the Blessed, Fionn mac Cumhaill and, somewhat oddly, Cathy Earnshaw and Heathcliff. But that's not who is required here. Looking at the magic stone that Merlin left with him, Arthur notes that it's not so much England at risk here as a hard Brexit.

He looks over to where a pile of UKIP MEPS sleep the sleep of those piling up pensions which are guaranteed by an organisation they don't believe in. He lobs a solidus of the Emperor Constatine II at the ear of the snoring one who smells of beer.

Nigel Farage turns, opens one bloodshot eye. Brexit needs him. England needs him. His people need him. Grimsby needs him. Above all, perhaps, his ego needs him.

It's time for Nige to return.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!

The Non-Existent Donkey, the Stable, the Unknown Birthday and the Extra Apostles or Too Few Disciples - Christmas with the Independent

The Independent announces that the British public don't know anything about Christmas, by proving it knows nothing about Christmas.

It tells us (you can follow the link, or I can save you the trouble):

That " one in five Brits do not know that Jesus was born on Christmas Day"

Now, first up, that should be "one in five Brits does not know. But why waste our time with minor pedantry when there's much more major pedantry?  We have no idea which day of the year Jesus was born. The suggestion that the date was stolen from another Roman religion is almost certainly pure earwash. The idea that it's to coincide with a British solar feast - when the date was first defined in the area of Rome, not Stonehenge - is even more likely to be rubbish. But the Bible doesn't tell us what the date was. Not a mention. Doesn't even say if there was a particularly gloomy episode of Eastenders that day.

"10 per cent were unaware he was born in a stable"

Fair enough. Well done the 10%. I'm not aware that he was born in a stable. He was laid in a manger - but that was likely to have been in the ground floor of a house, not a distant, lowly cattle shed.

"One in 20 couldn’t name Mary and Joseph as Jesus’s parents"

Again, call me old fashioned. But I don't think Joseph was his parent. Stepfather, sure. Great all-round bloke who brought him up as his own, while being slightly nervous lest his real dad thought he wasn't doing it right - yeah. Parent?  Don't think that's what the Bible says.

While 85 per cent believe Jesus spoke Hebrew, just three per cent were aware that he is also said to have spoken Greek."

Seems nobody knew his mother tongue was actually Aramaic. Greek is a strong possibility, but I'm not sure it's actually mentioned. And yes, he clearly read Hebrew. But maybe didn't speak it like a native.

"20 per cent [were] unaware he had 12 disciples. One in five had no idea that Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were four of them."

So where do we start? He had lots of disciples. He had 12 apostles. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were either one, none or two of them. Definitely not four. Mark and Luke are notable missing from all the lists of the apostles. I suppose arguably Mark might have been one of the many disciples, but probably not. And Luke almost certainly not. And the people that wrote Matthew and John's Gospels may or may not have been the same as the apostles. Or they might have just had their names stuck on the books later.  A bit hard to tell, as the titles themselves came after the books were written.

Finally, "just eight in ten knew that a shepherd, star and donkey had starring roles in the story of Jesus’ birth"

What donkey? The one on Palm Sunday? There ain't one in the Nativity narratives.

So there you are. The Independent. Wallowing in ignorance. While accusing everybody else of the same thing.  There's a quiz, but I wouldn't take it. I suspect you won't be able to trust the answers.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!

The Battle Between Christmas and Advent

The great Advent vs Early Christmas battle continues in earnest. I swear I've never known it this bad. In years gone by, we've had the bling up by mid-October without anyone batting an eyelid. But this year, so much as give half a smile at something and you're being told off for spoiling the season of dread and anticipation by some vicar on Twitter.

So tonight's enactment in the Moot House, "The Battle between Christmas and Advent" was quite a piece of liturgical drama. As Hnaef, festooned in green outfit and white beard as is truly traditional for Big Nick Claus, mimed a battle against a grumpy-looking Anglican vicar trying to get him to think about the Last Things and Judgement. In many ways, a modern reinterpretation of the old Mummers' Plays, I like to think.

Of course, it all got a bit rough when Hnaef grabbed his Deputy Druid's Chair and gave the vicar a thump over the head with it. Not in the script, is what I'm trying to say. Hnaef assures us all he just got carried away, and he was unnerved by the vicar's icy glare. And, to be fair, with his moaning and complaining that Hnaef might have killed him, the vicar was a lot closer to the Last Things by the end of the evening than he was at the beginning.

So a rousing victory for Christmas this evening.  Hnaef is cheerfully going on into the next round, where he is taking on the forces of Secularism.  The winner then meets Capitalism in the final.  That promises to be a bit of a bloodbath.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!

Judgement and Cold Turkey

Marston's just got in from a long night's judgement.

He's really got carried away this year. I know Donald Trump claims to have reinstated Christmas bigger and better than ever before. But this just outraged Marston Moretaine, who wanted to know when the US President will be bringing back Advent.

Since Advent is a time of sober, reflective self-examination, the answer is clearly "never". But that's not stopping Marston from going to all places Christmassy and threatening them with terrible judgement from on high.

Though he's not managed to explain to me how, if all Christmassy activities are banned before sunset on the 24th, he is planning to do his own Christmas shopping. But still, he's been out all night in Milton Keynes at some nightclub, shouting that they should be repenting, not dancing. Ironically it sounds like it was just him and the staff. Well, it's Wednesday. They're probably just glad he had to buy bottled water for his throat now and then.

So he's back now. He'll grab a couple of hours sleep and then he'll be off to denounce people in the " Mall, Luton ". Like coming from Luton ain't bad enough already.

But we've left him some food on a plate in the fridge. Cold turkey, roasties and sprouts. Well, it was the Druids' Christmas Dinner last night. Wouldn't want him to miss out.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!

St Nicholas's Day

Much excitement as the fat, red-cheeked man was spotted on the roof earlier. The kids thought it was Santa doing a trial run.

Nah, just Burton. Somebody had to put the bling up.  And we voted him "most expendable".

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!

Hedging and Ditching Time

I must say, the Beaker Folk were really grumpy yesterday evening. All covered in mud and shattered and covered in bramble scratches, demanding to know why I hadn't been hedging and ditching, like I'd said I would.

Which is drivel, of course.  I'd been ditching Sterling and hedging against a fall in the value of Bitcoin.

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Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. And don't forget it's nearly Christmas!