Reverend Nathan has written a Profile for Trim Valley Benefice. He thinks he may be able to "help" when he's gone.
I have my doubts.
Sunday, 8 April 2018
Spiritual But Not Religious
And so another of our "Spiritual But Not Religious" weekends has ended with the delegates demanding their money back.
We really thought this was a winner. Everybody's getting into this "Spiritual But not Religious" idea. Even the BBC. I mean, what an attractive idea. No hierarchy. No rules, Nobody to tell you what God wants from you. In fact, no worries about whether God, gods or even Great Cthulu exist. Just get out, feel good, and sense your own meaning in a time of mindfulness, meditation or a gin and tonic the size of an aquarium.
Least, I suppose the giant G&T counts as being "Spiritual Bit Not Religious". Although, to be fair, if it's a regular one at 5 pm you could argue that's being pretty religious.
Anyway. Back to our weekend course. They're saying it was a shambles. That we hadn't prepared Apparently they expected a "programme" for the weekend. Some kind of "structure". Some "seminars" or "acts of worship".
Instead of which we gave them a bag of pebbles and pointed outside to the glories of nature. Told them to buzz off and be spiritual. We wouldn't want to impose.
You know what, I don't think they'd thought this through. We gave them the chance to be Spiritual. But they wanted to be Religious all along.
We really thought this was a winner. Everybody's getting into this "Spiritual But not Religious" idea. Even the BBC. I mean, what an attractive idea. No hierarchy. No rules, Nobody to tell you what God wants from you. In fact, no worries about whether God, gods or even Great Cthulu exist. Just get out, feel good, and sense your own meaning in a time of mindfulness, meditation or a gin and tonic the size of an aquarium.
Least, I suppose the giant G&T counts as being "Spiritual Bit Not Religious". Although, to be fair, if it's a regular one at 5 pm you could argue that's being pretty religious.
Anyway. Back to our weekend course. They're saying it was a shambles. That we hadn't prepared Apparently they expected a "programme" for the weekend. Some kind of "structure". Some "seminars" or "acts of worship".
Instead of which we gave them a bag of pebbles and pointed outside to the glories of nature. Told them to buzz off and be spiritual. We wouldn't want to impose.
You know what, I don't think they'd thought this through. We gave them the chance to be Spiritual. But they wanted to be Religious all along.
Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk. |
Saturday, 7 April 2018
Go to Church, Have a Cardiac Arrest
Big news. The prize for Most Surreal Use of Social Media in a Religious Purpose has not gone to Mark Driscoll.
Instead, well done to the C of E media team for this awesome plug.
"Where is a cold building where I can stream Netflix while people fail to chant a psalm in tune or time?"
"I've run out of warfarin. Which building that only opens one hour a week can I go and stand outside, to be on the safe side?"
"I want to buy a stamp, and sing the Te Deum. But I only have the petrol for one journey."
"I really want to go to Cafe church." Oh no. Hang on, that works, doesn't it.
I'm impressed really with the optimism here. There are about 12,000 parishes in the Church of England. And "hundreds" have one or more of these facilities, apparently. Let's suppose "hundreds" is 500 - which is roughly average for "hundreds". And let's suppose no church has more than one of these facilities. In which case your chance of finding that any given church has the facility you want is roughly 1%. Given the area of England is 50,000 square miles, which is roughly one church every four square miles - on average you will find what you need somewhere in a 20x20 mile box around you*.
Which is a long way to go for a stamp. And if you suddenly need a defibrillator, you're not going to make it. Best to find somewhere to go and pray. I'm sure there are some buildings knocking around for doing that.
* Your mileage may vary if you're Welsh or Scottish. Or Methodist. Or Catholic.
Instead, well done to the C of E media team for this awesome plug.
I mean, what thought process are they considering? In marketing terms, these are called "missions" - which is quite appropriate I suppose. The "missions" this tweet might cover include:Did you know that hundreds of our churches have free wifi, defibrillators, post offices or a cafe? Find your nearest to visit this week by visiting https://t.co/R8wMSECoM5 pic.twitter.com/cK02ChOrQg— The Church of England (@c_of_e) April 6, 2018
"Where is a cold building where I can stream Netflix while people fail to chant a psalm in tune or time?"
"I've run out of warfarin. Which building that only opens one hour a week can I go and stand outside, to be on the safe side?"
"I want to buy a stamp, and sing the Te Deum. But I only have the petrol for one journey."
"I really want to go to Cafe church." Oh no. Hang on, that works, doesn't it.
I'm impressed really with the optimism here. There are about 12,000 parishes in the Church of England. And "hundreds" have one or more of these facilities, apparently. Let's suppose "hundreds" is 500 - which is roughly average for "hundreds". And let's suppose no church has more than one of these facilities. In which case your chance of finding that any given church has the facility you want is roughly 1%. Given the area of England is 50,000 square miles, which is roughly one church every four square miles - on average you will find what you need somewhere in a 20x20 mile box around you*.
Which is a long way to go for a stamp. And if you suddenly need a defibrillator, you're not going to make it. Best to find somewhere to go and pray. I'm sure there are some buildings knocking around for doing that.
* Your mileage may vary if you're Welsh or Scottish. Or Methodist. Or Catholic.
| Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk. |
Getting Ready for Low Sunday
In her cottage in Little Tremlett, Doreen the Reader scratches her head, removes the word "surprise" and replaces it with "shock" in the spiral bound notepad she uses as a sermon book.
Doreen's covering the Morning Prayer tomorrow at "Great", in the absence of the vicar (who's on his post-Easter coma fortnight). She's also taking the 10 past 6 evensong at Woodby Chapel next Sunday. This will be a shock to the retired priest, Vyvyan Westcliffe, who thinks he's got that gig. Doreen smiles, and looks across at the sack that will unexpectedly go over the good Canon's head next week.
Those that mutter about the "riches" of the Church of England don't reckon with the Doreens of this world. When the vicar leaves at the end of the month, she's going to have at least 6 months of services to lead. Which she'll do for nothing. It's gonna take a lot of time. And she doesn't get paid. In fact, she'll have so much to do that she probably won't want to "accidentally" push Revd Vyvyan into holes in the ground, tie him to trees, superglue his locks or all the other methods she uses to get him out the way when she normally wants to take a service. She and he will have their work cut out.
The Wardens will have enough to do as well. They already spend hours and hours a week on the maintenance of the church buildings. But now they'll have to negotiate visiting ministers. They'll have to work out who to let down out of the five churches when they can't all get a retired priest, or Revd Vyyan, and they have to get Doreen in - or get the congregation to knock something up themselves.
And all the time, Doreen and the Wardens and all the worshippers won't be pulling money out of these alleged "riches" - which are mostly reserved for the pensions of the priests, who themselves earn so little and work so hard that they are often technically below the minimum wage. Although Anglicans aren't renowned for high levels of financial giving, nonetheless they're still putting their money in, ever week or every month, to keep the show on the road, keep the priests paid, keep roofs on the buildings that the villagers love so much, even if they never go in there except if they want a posh wedding or a new arrival to be blessed or baptised.
So it's Low Sunday. And after the excitement of last week, the Church of England carries on. And somewhere in among the scrubbing of floors, the scribbling of sermons, fundraising and bad coffee, the arguing of choirs or the grumbling of vergers, somewhere in there - in Gospel and bread and wine, in the bodies of the worshippers and in those they serve - Christ shows his wounds, and reveals he is alive.
Doreen opens the desk drawer, notices the chloroform bottle and the rag, and smiles slightly. Maybe she'll take Evensong tomorrow as well...
Doreen's covering the Morning Prayer tomorrow at "Great", in the absence of the vicar (who's on his post-Easter coma fortnight). She's also taking the 10 past 6 evensong at Woodby Chapel next Sunday. This will be a shock to the retired priest, Vyvyan Westcliffe, who thinks he's got that gig. Doreen smiles, and looks across at the sack that will unexpectedly go over the good Canon's head next week.
Those that mutter about the "riches" of the Church of England don't reckon with the Doreens of this world. When the vicar leaves at the end of the month, she's going to have at least 6 months of services to lead. Which she'll do for nothing. It's gonna take a lot of time. And she doesn't get paid. In fact, she'll have so much to do that she probably won't want to "accidentally" push Revd Vyvyan into holes in the ground, tie him to trees, superglue his locks or all the other methods she uses to get him out the way when she normally wants to take a service. She and he will have their work cut out.
The Wardens will have enough to do as well. They already spend hours and hours a week on the maintenance of the church buildings. But now they'll have to negotiate visiting ministers. They'll have to work out who to let down out of the five churches when they can't all get a retired priest, or Revd Vyyan, and they have to get Doreen in - or get the congregation to knock something up themselves.
And all the time, Doreen and the Wardens and all the worshippers won't be pulling money out of these alleged "riches" - which are mostly reserved for the pensions of the priests, who themselves earn so little and work so hard that they are often technically below the minimum wage. Although Anglicans aren't renowned for high levels of financial giving, nonetheless they're still putting their money in, ever week or every month, to keep the show on the road, keep the priests paid, keep roofs on the buildings that the villagers love so much, even if they never go in there except if they want a posh wedding or a new arrival to be blessed or baptised.
So it's Low Sunday. And after the excitement of last week, the Church of England carries on. And somewhere in among the scrubbing of floors, the scribbling of sermons, fundraising and bad coffee, the arguing of choirs or the grumbling of vergers, somewhere in there - in Gospel and bread and wine, in the bodies of the worshippers and in those they serve - Christ shows his wounds, and reveals he is alive.
Doreen opens the desk drawer, notices the chloroform bottle and the rag, and smiles slightly. Maybe she'll take Evensong tomorrow as well...
| Want to support the Beaker Folk? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk. |
Man Reportedly Drives Car
The BBC breaks with journalistic convention with its story today: "Man, 73, Smashes Porsche 911 through Wall in Colchester".
You see, that's not how these stories go. Normally it's more like "Lorry smashes into Bridge near Southampton". Or "'It was like a bomb going off' - residents react after lorry smashes into bridge". No mention of the driver's agency at all. I think it's the Oxford Mail that reached the apogee of this kind of reporting, with the remarkable "Passengers escape after car overturns on bypass". At no point in that article was a driver referred to at all. The "passengers" escaped. Also we're told the "occupants" got away.We are never told about a driver. An alien landing from another planet or someone coming back from the year Google would presume, in the case of this news report, that the car was completely self driving. After all, did a spokesman not tell us that the car "seemed to have rolled over".
Well, they're like horses, really, cars. Or dogs. Sometimes when the mood takes them - I don't know, maybe they've got an itch on the sun roof, or they just want a bit on sun on the undercarriage. So they just randomly roll over. Maybe the plan is to have a nice scratch, and then they'll roll back. Except cars are like tortoises and sheep. Turns out that if they do roll over, they can't get back. They lie there, useless, needing a friendly hand to put them the right way up.
I'm sarcastic. Of course. And maybe unfair. Because sometimes news reports are all too clear about the human being in charge of the vehicle. For instance: "Shocking moment lorry collides with cyclist" in the Daily Mail. Or "Everything we know so far after cyclist and lorry collide". Or "cyclist in collision with lorry at Blackfriars Bridge".
It seems to be a thing to do with the way that motor vehicles wrap themselves round their human occupants. Maybe a Toyota Prius is a kind of cyborg. The human personality is lost in the comfy seats and detailed efficient driving instructions. The driver is one with the machine - to the point that there is no such thing as "driver" or "vehicle". There is merely the vehicle.
Maybe the vehicle takes over the driver's mind. Already dehumanised by being shielded in their aluminium armour, maybe the driver actually gives in and lets the vehicle do the thinking. Maybe, just maybe, I'm thinking, maybe the vehicle takes over the Twitter account of some drivers and does the tweeting for them. That would explain why "Nigel", who tells us he's "fun to be around" (although he does have problems with using apostrophes), and Ann, who's a dog-loving philosopher, respectively hate having to wait for safe places to overtake, and think all cyclists are middle-aged children.
So we have to accept that the causes of accidents are motor vehicles, not their drivers. Except for one unfortunate 73-year-old. It was definitely him driving. Not the Porsche. And it seems that the cars, in between colliding with cyclists (not the cycles, notice) are taking over their unwitting owners' Twitter accounts.
There's only one answer.
We're going to have to educate the cars.
You see, that's not how these stories go. Normally it's more like "Lorry smashes into Bridge near Southampton". Or "'It was like a bomb going off' - residents react after lorry smashes into bridge". No mention of the driver's agency at all. I think it's the Oxford Mail that reached the apogee of this kind of reporting, with the remarkable "Passengers escape after car overturns on bypass". At no point in that article was a driver referred to at all. The "passengers" escaped. Also we're told the "occupants" got away.We are never told about a driver. An alien landing from another planet or someone coming back from the year Google would presume, in the case of this news report, that the car was completely self driving. After all, did a spokesman not tell us that the car "seemed to have rolled over".
Well, they're like horses, really, cars. Or dogs. Sometimes when the mood takes them - I don't know, maybe they've got an itch on the sun roof, or they just want a bit on sun on the undercarriage. So they just randomly roll over. Maybe the plan is to have a nice scratch, and then they'll roll back. Except cars are like tortoises and sheep. Turns out that if they do roll over, they can't get back. They lie there, useless, needing a friendly hand to put them the right way up.
I'm sarcastic. Of course. And maybe unfair. Because sometimes news reports are all too clear about the human being in charge of the vehicle. For instance: "Shocking moment lorry collides with cyclist" in the Daily Mail. Or "Everything we know so far after cyclist and lorry collide". Or "cyclist in collision with lorry at Blackfriars Bridge".
It seems to be a thing to do with the way that motor vehicles wrap themselves round their human occupants. Maybe a Toyota Prius is a kind of cyborg. The human personality is lost in the comfy seats and detailed efficient driving instructions. The driver is one with the machine - to the point that there is no such thing as "driver" or "vehicle". There is merely the vehicle.
Maybe the vehicle takes over the driver's mind. Already dehumanised by being shielded in their aluminium armour, maybe the driver actually gives in and lets the vehicle do the thinking. Maybe, just maybe, I'm thinking, maybe the vehicle takes over the Twitter account of some drivers and does the tweeting for them. That would explain why "Nigel", who tells us he's "fun to be around" (although he does have problems with using apostrophes), and Ann, who's a dog-loving philosopher, respectively hate having to wait for safe places to overtake, and think all cyclists are middle-aged children.
Yep. Go down some country roads and some single track roads and cyclists can be a real problem. They won't get out of the way even if there is a queue of traffic behind them.— Nigel Greenwood (@NigelGreenwood6) April 6, 2018
Too many have earphones covering their ears whilst listening to music.
Actually, there's something else about those Twitter users. If only I could work out what it is.... Maybe that's the cars speaking as well.This!! cyclists riding side by side are a danger to themselves and a menace to other road users particularly on country lanes pic.twitter.com/fdO10IUJ9D— Ann Sheridan #FBPE Backs Rees-Mogg (@bernerlap) March 28, 2018
So we have to accept that the causes of accidents are motor vehicles, not their drivers. Except for one unfortunate 73-year-old. It was definitely him driving. Not the Porsche. And it seems that the cars, in between colliding with cyclists (not the cycles, notice) are taking over their unwitting owners' Twitter accounts.
There's only one answer.
We're going to have to educate the cars.
| Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk. |
Friday, 6 April 2018
Somerset Spirituality
Today's "Somerset Spirituality with Jed Wurzel" not really what I expected.
I was thinking - county of Glastonbury. Of Stanton Drew. Where two ancient cities share a bishop. The home of Wookie Hole and Cheddar Gorge.
Jed claimed to have the key to ancient Somerset wisdom. Said he knew to cure sleeplessness, encounter new consciousness and enter a trance-like state.
Then he drank 7 pints of Thatcher's Gold and passed out. Although before he did, he told us a short poem. He said it contained centuries of West Country wisdom. But it was actually a limerick about an old woman from Bristol. Least said....
I was thinking - county of Glastonbury. Of Stanton Drew. Where two ancient cities share a bishop. The home of Wookie Hole and Cheddar Gorge.
Jed claimed to have the key to ancient Somerset wisdom. Said he knew to cure sleeplessness, encounter new consciousness and enter a trance-like state.
Then he drank 7 pints of Thatcher's Gold and passed out. Although before he did, he told us a short poem. He said it contained centuries of West Country wisdom. But it was actually a limerick about an old woman from Bristol. Least said....
| Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk. |
No Glass Ceiling on lame Remarks
LibDem councillor Robin Ashby has got himself in the news with his comments on wage equality. Using the rigorous statistical technique of "cherry-picking", he proves that, because Theresa May is Prime Minister, everything is fair and just in the world of opportunity.
Now I'm not so sure. My normal assumption is that a woman doing a job will be better than the average man doing a similar job. Because she's had to be to get it. The sort of male lack of self-awareness that allows a male councillor to stand up and speak drivel, means men are disproportionately likely to think they're pretty good at things they're not. The tendency of management to confuse confidence with competence means they then get promoted. For a woman to do as well means either being immensely more competent, or over-compensating with the confidence. And once they've got the job, they find out that where a man shows leadership, they are "bossy". Where a man is assertive, they are "shrill".
I commend Robin Ashby on giving the example of Her Majesty the Queen. I mean, she's Supreme Governor of the Church of England, Head of the Commonwealth, and Sovereign of the United Kingdom. But when she started out, she was only a girl.
But let's go back to Theresa May. Is she proof, as Robin Ashby says, that there are no glass ceilings? Or does she prove my point, that a woman doing a job will generally be better than a man doing a similar one?
Two words. Boris Johnson.
Now I'm not so sure. My normal assumption is that a woman doing a job will be better than the average man doing a similar job. Because she's had to be to get it. The sort of male lack of self-awareness that allows a male councillor to stand up and speak drivel, means men are disproportionately likely to think they're pretty good at things they're not. The tendency of management to confuse confidence with competence means they then get promoted. For a woman to do as well means either being immensely more competent, or over-compensating with the confidence. And once they've got the job, they find out that where a man shows leadership, they are "bossy". Where a man is assertive, they are "shrill".
I commend Robin Ashby on giving the example of Her Majesty the Queen. I mean, she's Supreme Governor of the Church of England, Head of the Commonwealth, and Sovereign of the United Kingdom. But when she started out, she was only a girl.
But let's go back to Theresa May. Is she proof, as Robin Ashby says, that there are no glass ceilings? Or does she prove my point, that a woman doing a job will generally be better than a man doing a similar one?
Two words. Boris Johnson.
| Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk. |
Tuesday, 3 April 2018
The NSS Tweets Drivel
So, after our attention was drawn to Simon Jenkins and his One-Nation, bien pensant, Simon-says views on church buildings over the weekend (demolished by Jules at "Picking Apples of Gold"), the National Secular Society were obviously feeling left out, bless them. So they steam in by telling us:
So let's consider. Firstly, Suffolk has many churches with tiny congregations. A few months ago, I was musing on the Benefice of the Saints, and the undoubted stresses they must have staffing the place. I don't know what their money situation is like, but given they're paying for the minister and have all those buildings to keep up.... There are, if you didn't have the information at your finger tips, 482 Church of England churches in Suffolk alone. If they shared that 2 mega-knicker out between them, that would be about 4 grand each. Enough to replace about a twentieth of a stolen lead roof.. Or 5 CCTV cameras each to protect the existing lead. I guess they're gonna be grateful for a few quid.
A few quid to keep together what are, let us remember, not exactly "evangelising" power houses. These are buildings that act as the memory store of a community. These are often places which are open at all hours to people of all faiths and nuns - often at the risk of costly damage to interiors and belongings. These are the places where anyone from their parish can be buried, or married, whatever inaccuracies Simon Jenkins may believe. In short, these are community assets as much as they are places of worship.
And then, there's some places of worship in Manchester as well. Goodness knows the Mancunians could do with being told there's a better place. Apart, obviously, from Liverpool.
But there is always an alternative. The NSS could campaign for the government to remove the listing from ancient churches. Let the worshippers decide for themselves what they want to do. Maybe they could flog the lead and use the income to cover the roof in UPVC double glazing. Would make evensong cracking wouldn't it, if you could see the night sky? You think about those Orthodox churches which paint the stars on the ceiling - well, sell the churchyard off for a Tesco Express and you could have the real thing. Awesome or what. Or why not solar panels? Or advertising hoardings?
Does the NSS realise that the answer to its supposedly rhetorical question, "would the Church of England rather not have to maintain all their buildings?" is - quite often, no. They're not much use really are they? You can't rent them out. You can't put tarmac on the graveyards and rent them out as pay and display car parks. You can't put on extensions if the congregation is growing, without the Victorian Society hoving into view (the glory days of secularism under Charles Bradlaugh were Victorian times. This may not be a coincidence.) You can't even put a loo into the bell tower or some plastic chairs in the place without some Village Pooter taking it up with the diocese.
So come on, NSS. Launch a hostile takeover of the Victorian Society, then campaign for listing to be removed from ancient churches. "Your" money won't be needed for repairs, and Simon Jenkins's dream of a thousand mini-libraries, micro-breweries and cannabis farms will be realised. Windfarms can sprout in every churchyard in the land. And everyone will be happy. You never know - the churches could even put in some shelving for all those food banks.
So this massive amount of "your money" is less than two million quid over two years. And will go to listed buildings of various denominations or faiths, in Suffolk and Manchester.Government announces plans to spend more of your money on places of worship, because the church prefers to spend its significant wealth on evangelising rather that repairing its buildings. https://t.co/8q757nMYpw— Secularism UK (@NatSecSoc) March 31, 2018
 |
| "Stick the fruit machines in the nave, Father. It'll make a killing." |
So let's consider. Firstly, Suffolk has many churches with tiny congregations. A few months ago, I was musing on the Benefice of the Saints, and the undoubted stresses they must have staffing the place. I don't know what their money situation is like, but given they're paying for the minister and have all those buildings to keep up.... There are, if you didn't have the information at your finger tips, 482 Church of England churches in Suffolk alone. If they shared that 2 mega-knicker out between them, that would be about 4 grand each. Enough to replace about a twentieth of a stolen lead roof.. Or 5 CCTV cameras each to protect the existing lead. I guess they're gonna be grateful for a few quid.
And then, there's some places of worship in Manchester as well. Goodness knows the Mancunians could do with being told there's a better place. Apart, obviously, from Liverpool.
But there is always an alternative. The NSS could campaign for the government to remove the listing from ancient churches. Let the worshippers decide for themselves what they want to do. Maybe they could flog the lead and use the income to cover the roof in UPVC double glazing. Would make evensong cracking wouldn't it, if you could see the night sky? You think about those Orthodox churches which paint the stars on the ceiling - well, sell the churchyard off for a Tesco Express and you could have the real thing. Awesome or what. Or why not solar panels? Or advertising hoardings?
Does the NSS realise that the answer to its supposedly rhetorical question, "would the Church of England rather not have to maintain all their buildings?" is - quite often, no. They're not much use really are they? You can't rent them out. You can't put tarmac on the graveyards and rent them out as pay and display car parks. You can't put on extensions if the congregation is growing, without the Victorian Society hoving into view (the glory days of secularism under Charles Bradlaugh were Victorian times. This may not be a coincidence.) You can't even put a loo into the bell tower or some plastic chairs in the place without some Village Pooter taking it up with the diocese.
So come on, NSS. Launch a hostile takeover of the Victorian Society, then campaign for listing to be removed from ancient churches. "Your" money won't be needed for repairs, and Simon Jenkins's dream of a thousand mini-libraries, micro-breweries and cannabis farms will be realised. Windfarms can sprout in every churchyard in the land. And everyone will be happy. You never know - the churches could even put in some shelving for all those food banks.
Want to support this blog? And also end up with a very funny book? Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk. |
Monday, 2 April 2018
Easter Monday - State of Clergy
Minister
|
Church
|
No of services
|
Chocolate eaten
|
Status
|
Drayton Parslow
|
Bogwulf Baptist
|
2
|
0 grammes
|
Annoying
|
Archdruid Eileen
|
Beaker Folk
|
3
|
3 chocolate oranges
|
Knackered
|
Charlii
|
Beaker Folk
|
1
|
1 egg
|
Taken the children to MK
|
The Great Guinea Pig
|
Guinea Pig Folk of Stewartby
|
0
|
None
|
Squeaky
|
Revd Joanna
|
"Lambslaughter Benefice"
|
5
|
2 boxes of Quality Street
|
Hoovering
|
Canon Vyvyan Westcliffe (retd)
|
Available for Occasional Offices
|
0
|
4 Creme eggs and a pack of Werthers Originals
|
Waiting for next week
|
Revd Arbuthnot McManus
|
Lt Tremlett Presbyterian Church (redundant)
|
0
|
17 eggs
|
Hallucinating
|
Revd Steve Steventon
|
St Stevens, Stevenage
|
3
|
3 eggs
|
Glad of the one church
|
Trev "The Rev" Kevminister
|
"Watercress Benefice"
|
18
|
No time
| Not dead but sleeping |
Revd Nathan
|
Trim Valley Benefice
|
7
|
3 eggs
|
Incoherent
|
With apologies to Spike Milligan
| Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk. |
Supporting Beakerism
This is really trendy. Wikipedia, the Guardian, even Ian Paul does it. Asks for money, that is.
This blog has been running for 12 years. And in that time, the total amount of income it's generated has been nothing. And that's fine. It's fun to write. And keeps the Beaker People out of the pubs in their spare time*. So it's not like the blog is running out of cash.
But on the other hand, this blog spawned off another blog. And that blog spawned off a book, "Writes of the Church". And it would be really nice if you wanted to buy a copy. Or a few. It's a good birthday present for the overworked clergy person in your life. Or anybody who's ever come back from church, or a church meeting, and gone "I can't believe that happened and then X said that...."
If you don't like to support "The Man", can I recommend purchasing from The Bible Reading Fellowship shop. On the other hand, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that you can get a copy at a very competitive prize from Amazon at the moment.
If you're a vicar just preparing for your post-Easter break and looking for some light recreational reading, this is just the thing to fit conveniently into your luggage and give you a few laughs. If you're into the echatological implications of the Book of Enoch, then you'd be better off with a better book, frankly.
The great advantage of buying "Writes of the Church" is that, unlike supporting the Guardian, you get an actual book. Which you can then read. Or sell on Amazon. It's got be be better than funding Simon Jenkins, hasn't it?
Anyway, thanks for this. And it'll go back to an advert at the bottom of the posts now.
This blog has been running for 12 years. And in that time, the total amount of income it's generated has been nothing. And that's fine. It's fun to write. And keeps the Beaker People out of the pubs in their spare time*. So it's not like the blog is running out of cash.
But on the other hand, this blog spawned off another blog. And that blog spawned off a book, "Writes of the Church". And it would be really nice if you wanted to buy a copy. Or a few. It's a good birthday present for the overworked clergy person in your life. Or anybody who's ever come back from church, or a church meeting, and gone "I can't believe that happened and then X said that...."
If you don't like to support "The Man", can I recommend purchasing from The Bible Reading Fellowship shop. On the other hand, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that you can get a copy at a very competitive prize from Amazon at the moment.
The great advantage of buying "Writes of the Church" is that, unlike supporting the Guardian, you get an actual book. Which you can then read. Or sell on Amazon. It's got be be better than funding Simon Jenkins, hasn't it?
Anyway, thanks for this. And it'll go back to an advert at the bottom of the posts now.
* Actually it doesn't.
Sunday, 1 April 2018
Easter Sunday Programme
6 am : Hnaef starts lighting the Holy Fire
9.30 am : Hnaef finally gets the Fire alight
10.30 : Hnaef is taken to hospital for treatment to his second-degree burns
12 noon : Orange Rolling in the Dunstable Style
2 pm - 6 pm : Consumption of Chocolate
6 pm - midnight: Feeling a bit sick
9.30 am : Hnaef finally gets the Fire alight
10.30 : Hnaef is taken to hospital for treatment to his second-degree burns
12 noon : Orange Rolling in the Dunstable Style
2 pm - 6 pm : Consumption of Chocolate
6 pm - midnight: Feeling a bit sick
| Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you. From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk. |
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