Archdruid: And so we remember before the Source of All Being, those who we no longer see but who are beyond the veil:
Mavis Davis
Jefford Clingfilm
Bartram Bagpuss
Morag... is that Morag? Mornay Sauce? No, that can't be right. Morag Smith?
Mornington Crescent
That cannot be Morning Crescent.
Oh.... poor Mornington.
Rancid Poland.... nah, is that Randolph? Rudolph?
.... And all those people whose names we cannot recognise, and which are known to you alone.
Amen.
Look, we try to hold a lot of traditions in balance here at the Beaker Folk. And I'm aware that with the multiplicity of overlapping and mutually enhancing festivals at this time of year, it can be confusing.
And the "All Saints / Halloween" melange of Occasions yesterday was a bit of a disaster. People dressed up as martyrs getting mixed up with those dressed as pumpkins, witches, vampires and Nadine Dorries. Unless, of course, that was just our local MP dropping by to join in the fun. Still, scariest costume by a mile either way.
So to help everyone out after that here's a quick ready reckoner of this week's dates, and what the weekend should have been:
Sat 30th: Halloween (transferred from Sunday)
Sun 31st: All Saints Sunday
Mon 1st: All Souls' Eve
Tue 2nd (am): All Saints (transferred from Monday, transferred from Sunday)
Tue 2nd (pm): All Souls
Wed 3rd: Halloween (Matinee)
Thu 4th: Samhain (transferred from Sunday due to clash with Halloween, which was held on Saturday)
Fri 5th: Bonfire Night
Sat 6th: 4th Sunday before Advent
Sun 7th: 1st Sunday after Bonfire Night
I hope that sorts everything out.
I was going to write a "Boris Johnson saves Christmas" blog post.
But then I remembered. I already had.
Gets earlier every year, doesn't it?
I'd like to thank all the Beaker Folk for coming here today to hear about what we're doing to keep the rates of Covid down.
And to cut a long story short, we're doing whatever it takes to ensure we don't infect people. And also keep producing doilies, which is a major source of Community funds, through the Beaker (British Virgin Islands) trust. Which has just branched out into viral infection testing.
To that effect, while we think masks are a good idea, we won't be insisting that anyone wears them. Obviously they're shown to reduce the transmission of Covid. And co-incidentally they keep doily lint out of your lungs. But also, wearing them might imply there's a reason to wear them. Which of course there isn't as we're totally back to normal. So please wear a mask to keep yourself safe. While not wearing one, so as to make it quite clear there's nothing to keep yourself safe from.
And while working from home might seem like a good plan, those doilies won't bang the holes out of themselves. And sure, all that doily lint in the lungs might make it seem like you've got Covid. So not much point testing - it's probably lint.
Regarding ventilation - well, doilies are made of paper. Which is notoriously lightweight. So of course we need ventilation. Just not in the doily shed. Where everybody is working. And coughing because of the lint. With all that going on, the last thing we need is any additional draughts.
So I think the message is clear. Keep doing everything as if there's nothing going on. Which of course there must be as otherwise I wouldn't have called this meeting.
St Peter is proud (but not too much, as that would be a sin) to announce the Jesus in the Holy Land Tour, 27-30AD. Although we're not sure what the AD means. Precise dates can be confirmed when he actually turns up.
For the low price of everything, you can experience Jesus's difficult explanations of parables. Get called "Satan". Be told you will be persecuted and die. And then be persecuted and die. Benefits include:
We've loved having our pilgrims with us for this first conference post-Covid. According to the Government, at any rate.
Please to allow us time to sanitise everything, can pilgrims ensure they have left their rooms by 7 am. Please drop your bedding into the portable incinerator which we have provided in every room. Please pour all unused shower gel and shampoo into the sink, and then drop the recyclable plastic bottles into the incinerator with your bedding.
DO NOT return to your room. The antiviral fog will be pumped into every room at 7.30. Anybody oversleeping, the best bet is to put your pillow case over your head, run out screaming, and then please drop your pillow into the portable incinerator in the Rollright Lounge.
Please drop your room keys into the Vat of Dissolving in reception. Best to stand back.
This morning's Pouring Out of Beakers will be held in the Lower Field. You're glad you helped drain it now, aren't you?
Please fill in the online Course Review forms. We don't want any nasty contaminated ones coming back to us for reading on paper.
If you contributed to the cairn in the Orchard, please take your stone home with you. We don't want to touch them, and if we left all the cairns ever built in the Community, we'd be knee deep in flint.
We hope you have enjoyed the training. Have a good journey home. We look forward to lighting tea lights with you again when it's safer.
Well done to everyone on their second day of Estates Ministry yesterday. Especially to Nordrick, who bagged a brace. As if that even means anything. The peasant beating was particularly enjoyed by all devotees of old jokes.
Today's "Realistic Church Training Course" has been seriously changed from our original plan. It was a realisation on our part. All this time the Church has been doing programme after programme about growth - and yet growth did not happen. Mission Action Plans - yet the actions and plans and mission did not produce as much fruit. Alpha upon Alpha upon Alpha - yet decline.
And we thought - should we continue to put on growth-focused strategy training? Or train ministers in what was actually useful? How many plants might be planted and flourish for each church closed?
And so we put our energy elsewhere. You might call it defeatist. Or maybe more efficient.
| Starting time | Old course | New course |
| 8 am | Complaining about the hierarchy | |
| 9 am | Mourning Prayer | |
| 9.30 am | Managing decline | |
| 11 am | Church closing | |
| 12 noon | Staring into space over your soup | |
| 1 pm | Dealing with emails from home about the South Aisle falling down | |
| 2 pm | Dealing with emails from home about the school's latest Covid stats | |
| 3 pm | Dealing with dying trees | |
| 4 pm | Minster models | |
| 5.30 pm | Evening Prayer (pebbles) | |
| 6.30 pm | Dinner followed by calling parishioners or they'll want to know why you're not really working | |
| 8 pm | Bar | |
| 9 pm | Howling at the moon |
Beaker Folk Gather Under the Stairs
Archdruid: The Spirit of the Blitz be with you.
All: And also with you.
Hodges: Put that light out!
Archdruid: We celebrate the Brexit deal which means we need to have the Blitz Spirit.
Hodges: Put that light out!
Doris: Dig for Victory!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Build back, butler.
Butler: Very good, young Mr Rees-Mogg.
Archdruid: It was a brilliant, oven-ready deal.
Lord Frost: Which we were conned into signing by Anna Soubry, Marcel Proust, and Michel Barnier.
Archdruid: Lord Frost did such a great job.
Lord: And also a terrible job. Which wasn't my fault. It was a brilliant deal and an awful one.
Archdruid: So we gather together to celebrate the famous Blitz Spirit. Which carried us through the Second World War and will carry us through the self-inflicted woes of Brexit. Which is going completely to plan.
Norris: It's brilliant. Queues everywhere. I nearly passed out with joy in the Post Office yesterday.
Doris: Dig for Victory!
Norris: If we start now we'll have beaten Adolf by Christmas.
Charlii: I light a candle to celebrate the Blitz Spirit.
Hodges: Put that light out!
Keith: I CAN'T TAKE IT IN HERE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.
Archdruid: Is that really the Blitz Spirit, Keith?
Keith: Turns out, yes. Along with outbreaks of looting, theft, and murder.
Charlii: I light a candle in this confined darkness.
Hodges: Put that light out!
Doris: Dig for Victory!
Archdruid: The Brits. Plucky, independent people. Not seduced by simple slogans and cheap propaganda.
Hodges: Put that light out!
Doris: Dig for Victory!
Norris: Takes me back to the good old days. 3-day weeks, power cuts. Bodies lying unburied in the streets. No bin collections. Angst and despair.
Archdruid: Aren't you conflating 1973 and 1979 there, Norris?
Norris: No. This was last week in Bedford.
Charlii: I light this candle to the plucky spirit of the Brits.
Archdruid: Who farted?
Burton: Oops.
All: PUT THAT LIGHT OUT!
Beaker Folk are blown out of the cupboard under the stairs
Norris: Now, that's more like the Blitz!
Doris: Dig for Victory!
Beaker Folk assemble on a mountain top
Under the stars, on a big hard rock
Archdruid: In these shoes?
All: I don't think so.
Archdruid: I was 21 years when I wrote this song. I'm 56 now but I won't be for long...
All: Was it that long ago?
Archdruid: Give or take a bit of artistic licence.
All: Wow. What do pretty girls do?
Archdruid: Get older, just like everybody else.
All: Shame that didn't happen to Kirsty like everybody else.
Archdruid: Would love her here today.
All: Truly these are Titanic Days.
Archdruid: And she'd see Boris for what he is.
All: A Big Boy on a Saturday night.
Archdruid: Spends hours in the mirror
All: Trying to look informally ruffled.
Archdruid: Did you know New England is a suburb of Peterborough?
All: Well, we're certainly not looking for it there then.
Archdruid: So let us console ourselves that Kirsty is an Autumngirl, flying over London
All: All the trees on fire. It looks like home.
Archdruid: You sure the trees aren't actually on fire, as opposed to metaphorically?
All: Ahh....
Archdruid: But the sun don’t shine
All: And the snow don’t snow
Archdruid OK. We gonna cheer this up? We're celebrating a Nativity, after all. Am I right?
All: Absolutely! And if we don't finish soon it will be Halloween.
They do the Mambo de la Luna off to the Chip Shop
