Sunday, 14 August 2022
Change of Outrage
Monday, 8 August 2022
The Woodlanders Stop Working from Home
Sunday, 7 August 2022
Cathedral Reception Desk Standard Questions
Hello - are you visiting the exhibition?
So are you visiting to see the architecture?
Are you a benchmark bagger? We have special rates.
While you're here "to pray" - do you think you might be looking at some of the architecture? Just on the sly?
You're not going to nip off and look at the exhibiton while you claim to be praying, are you?
Why would you need to pray in a cathedral anyway? Don't you know God's everywhere? And without an entrance fee.
Do you normally go to your own church? Or is this more a tourism kind of thing?
Can't you afford the "suggested donation"?
Are you sure you don't have a camera?
You will be keeping your phone in your pocket at all times, won't you?
You know it's not Evensong until 4.30. Are you sure you'll just be praying?
Will you please follow Archnold, who will escort you to the Prayer Square? Please don't leave the Square.
How can you prove you're a member of the clergy?
How do I know that's not a fake dog collar?
Are you sure you haven't stolen that clerical shirt?
Where can I find you in Crockfords?
How was I supposed to know you're the Archdeacon of Barchester?
Sins Like Scarlet
Saturday, 6 August 2022
Covid Secure Service
OK. We have a problem.
Aware that people who are still Covid-concerned didn't want to come to the main Moot House celebration on Sunday morning, we introduced the "Not Very Popular Service" at 4pm.
But so many people were Covid-concerned, we now have more people coming to the "Not Very Popular Service" than the main one.
We've tried everything to whittle it down to just the genuinely concerned. Enforcing aqualungs. Refusing to share a chalice. Singing only Sydney Carter Hymns*.
But the "Not Very Popular Service" goes from strength to strength. We've even had to lay on a video feed to the undercroft, where people are packed in to enjoy the space and freedom from concern.
So we're now introducing the "Really Not Very Popular Service" at 5 pm. It's like the 4pm service. But we've banned antiperspirant.
I think it might really take off.
* Not "Lord of the Dance". We're not barbarians.
Monday, 1 August 2022
A Reet Ritual for Yorkshire Day
Archdruid: Ow do?
All: Gradely. Gradely.
Archdruid: Where hast been sin I saw thee?
All: On Ilkley Moor Baht at.
Archdruid: Yer'll have had yer Yorksher tea?
All: Aye.
Archdruid: And 'ows t'Yorkshire internet?
All: What's in t'net?
Archdruid: No. Internet.
All: Nay. We're all right. We've got Yorkshire internet.
Archdruid: And 'ows Our Eric?
All: Gradely.
Archdruid: And Our Kid?
All: Gradely.
Archdruid: And Their Kid?
Gradely.
And Geoffrey Boycott?
All: Still batting.
Boycott: 73 runs off 356,444 balls and not a chance outside the off stump.
Archdruid: Is it time t' push t'owdest barmpot down t'dale in t'bathtub?
All: Aye.
Owdest Barmpot: Oh no. Not again.
T'Owdest Barmpot is pushed down t'dale in t'bathtub.
Closing Hymn: "Yorkshire, Yorkshire, Yorkshire, Yorkshire" (trad)
There will be a closing collection. Though we don't know why we'd bother.
Sunday, 31 July 2022
Organist Donors Needed
Thursday, 28 July 2022
In Memoriam, Bernard Cribbins
Introit: The Wombling Song
Archdruid: Right.
All: Have a cuppa tea?
Archdruid: We'd like to apologise for the lack of music on this Occasion. Unfortunately the piano is stuck on the landing.
All: Give a shout for Charlii?
Charlii: We give thanks for the only man to be two Doctor Who companions.
All: Quite a regeneration.
Archdruid: Wasn't he a Hinchcliffe from Alderson Street?
Norman Clegg: There are a lot of rumours to that effect.
All: Have another cup of tea?
Archdruid: And now he has carried on off his mortal coil, drifted over the horizon on Old Jack's boat, told his final story, and is wombling free in a land where celestial pianos are forever standing on the landing, to look for his heavenly Gulf Stream, to tend an allotment which is watered by the River of Life and produces 12 harvests a year.
Charlii: "In my Father's house are many rooms"
Mr Hutchinson: And they are all up to the standard required by hotel inspectors.
Tea will be served after the ceremony
Wednesday, 27 July 2022
The Remains of the Pandemic - 2099
The year is 2099. Around England, churches maintain the remembrance of the rituals they adopted in response to the Covid pandemic.
At St Margaret's, Flimpning, people use hand sanitiser every fifteen minutes.
At St Bilberry's, Lesser Thong, they all sit 2 metres apart. Just as they have since 1732.
At St Boris's, Fridgehampton, there is still a sign telling people to stay out of the chancel.The congregation believe the air is more infectious there than in the nave.
At St Mungo's, Midgeley, the president intincts the bread with the wine through an eye dropper, then distributes the bread while wearing a haz-mat suit.
At Holy Cross, Rempford, the Bibles and prayer books are kept in a glass-fronted safe. On Plough Mondays, the congregation are allowed to look at them. But only look. Never touch.
At St Celestine's Middling-in-the-Moor, the altar frontal is black and yellow and reads "Hands-Face-Space".
At St Kettering's, Coglington, a 2 meter long wooden ruler is carried in the procession by the Metrifer and laid on the altar steps.
In St Philemon's, Bilgewater, every other pew is still roped off with black and yellow tape.
At St John's, Gerbley, they just got the faculty to replace the black and yellow tape with black and yellow railings.
At St Apollos's, South Shillington-with-Wombleswade, they wear liturgucally coloured masks.
Nobody can remember why any of these things occur. But they know if they don't do it, something will happen.
Wednesday, 20 July 2022
Birkenstock Sunday
Monday, 18 July 2022
About Durocobrivae: Dunstable's Traffic Problems Start
Inspired by an endless complaint on Dunstable's social media page
- Arthur the Druid
Can't believe the mess the Romans have made building Watling Street through the town. Took me a week to get from the Ridgeway to Waulud's Bank. And even that was only after diverting through the Five Knolls
- Weetabix the Farmer
I mean. Who thought it was a good idea just driving a new road straight across the Icknield Way like that? No consideration for the people driving cattle already. I know they say they're cutting the time to Londinium to two days. And it will be really handy in 2,000 years when they build Milton Keynes. But it's just a mess at the minute.
- Arthur the Druid
In my opinion they should never have drained that swamp at Hockliffe. Yeah, it was a problem getting trench foot every time you went to the Beefeater. But it stopped the Iceni invading.
- Copydex the Glue Maker
The Iceni invading? You been sniffing glue? I have, obviously. But doesn't mean you all have to. No way are the Iceni invading.
- Arthur the Druid
They won't need to now. Straight down Watling Street, over the lights and on down to Verulamium. You mark my words, if this new road doesn't lead to the destruction of several cities my name's Caractacus.
- Copydex the Glue-Maker
All we need to sort it out is a kind of double roundabout. Then it's dead easy for anybody coming down from Lactodorum, take a nice easy left and you're on Church Street. I wonder why it's called Church Street?
- Weetabix the Farmer
The Beaker Folk tried a double roundabout. It was all right for the locals. But it was the Londiniumites. They came up here at weekends, couldn't understand it, panicked and next thing you knew, chaos. I remember when there used to be ox carts stacked up all the way back to Magiovinium.
- Copydex the Glue-Maker
And why do they have to make it so straight? They had to knock down 4 hovels coming down Half Moon Hill and they could have just gone round them. No respect. There was a Holy Oak at Markate. Cut it down and went straight through. They could have just gone round it on either side.
- Weetabix the Farmer
I blame it on Europe. Them Romans drive on the right over there. Come over here and they've got no idea what they're doing
- Arthur the Druid
It's gonna wreck trade in the town centre now you can get to Deva in a fortnight. Who's going to buy woad on the market now?
- Weetabix the Farmer
The market's gone compared to what it was back in Neolithic Times. They should never have moved it outside the Boudiccas Way Hall.
- Arthur the Druid
