Panto Service

In an attempt to make our worship more "relevant" (whatever that means), to attract a family congregation, and to try and raise the attendance above Saturday's two people, we have decided we needed more innovation. We know that other religious movements have tried clowns, so given the time of year we thought - what better than the Panto Service?

Leading participants:
The Crone (the Druidical equivalent of a Dame - a man pretending to be a woman)
The Principal Druid (a woman dressed up as a man)
The Pantomime Unicorn (like a pantomime horse, and yet somehow more mystical)
The Baddie (Drayton Parslow, just acting normally)

Introit
During the entrance procession, the congregation may shout "He's Behind You!" to the Principal Druid. Upon the Principal Druid turning round, the Baddie should hide behind a couple of acolytes.

Dividing the Congregation
One half sings "Bind us together" together with the Principal Druid. The other half sings "Kum Ba Yah" with the Crone. Nobody wins.

Contentious neo-paganism
Archdruid: The hills and forests are filled with the divine. The brooks are the the flowing life-blood of Mother Gaia.
All: Oh no, they're not!
Archdruid: Oh yes, they are are.
All: Oh no, they're not....

The Amusing Chase Scene
In which the Baddie chases the Principal Druid round the Orchard. Involving much amusing hiding behind trees, suddenly coming face-to-face and both running away, and tripping over branches. All done in a strictly liturgical pattern.

The acrobatic interlude
In which Hnaef and his acrobatic team will break several bones and strain a number of muscles, while attempting to do headsprings over the altar.

The Flying Scene
The Principal Druid discovers that, simply by hooking herself up to the harness provided, she can pronounce the final blessing from a point 20 feet above the congregation. And then hang there for a while as Hnaef tries to work out how to lower her back down again.

Don't forget, everytime you say you don't believe in Beaker People, somewhere in the forest a dryad dies.

Attendance crash

I must say that the attendance at last night's Saluting the Moon was disappointing. Just Hnaef and I, and he spent all his time fiddling with a laptop to try and get a wireless connection.
There have been people blaming this lack of attendance on 'flu, on going away for Christmas, and on "pebble fatigue", whatever that may mean. However my suspicion is that it all comes down to Young Keith's new Wii Fit which he got for Christmas from his uncle, the police constable.
I don't care what Wii Age you have all obtained, you should still be making New Moon celebrations. And I'd be grateful if someone could remove the beard from my Mii. That's not funny.

Of the Ordering of Thin Places

Of recent times there has been some controversy regarding the identification and treatment of "thin places". These thin places are where heaven and earth seem to be particularly close together - we think of Jacob at Bethel, for instance, of Walsingham, or of the chippy in Woburn Sands. Therefore for the avoidance of controversy, and to put aside the superstition associated with thin places, we will be adopting the following rules.

1. It's not enough to make somewhere a thin place, just for you to feel particularly spiritual there and label it as a thin place yourself. This would be dangerously democratic and give everyone the idea that they had their own right to experience of the divine, unregulated by the necessary druidic power.

2. If you believe you have identified a thin place, you must fill in the "thin place potential identification form" (TPPIF). This should clearly indicate where the thin place is (OS reference + a short description); why you think it may be a thin place; and what kind of vouchers (MFI or Woolworth's) you wish to receive as your reward.

3. Upon receipt of a TPPIF, we will ensure that a triad of druids (the minimum number) will investigate within 3 days. Such investigation may include, but not necessarily be restricted to, pendulums; prayer; casting of lots; checking the guide book or whatever seems most appropriate.

4. If the thin place is confirmed, you will receive a "thin place confirmation form" (TPCF) which you should show at the Shop Yurt to receive your vouchers, or alternatively a very small beaker with the words "a present from Hunstanton".

5. Upon confirmation of a definite thin place, Hnaef will tape the area off with red and white (or, according to the liturgical time of year, yellow) emergency tape. We don't want just anyone blundering around on sacred ground.

Ritual Lake

That's a really inspiring, really worthy idea that Young Keith has had. By blocking-up one end of the brook, he's planning to create a Ritual Lake.

The idea of a Ritual Lake has all sorts of echoes in mythology and religion. We think of the Lady in the Lake, who handed a sword to Arthur. Of the lakes into which swords, coins and other precious items were thrown as offerings to the Guardians. Of the story of Hermaphroditus and Salmacis.

Young Keith's plan is that we are going to be able to create wooden pathways across the Ritual Lake - areas of liminality, neither water nor land. In other words, thin places. When the sun rises over the mist on the lake, says Young Keith, we will feel close to the earth, and also to heaven.

Some have pointed out that, if the lake reaches the depth that Young Keith is planning, it will flood most of Husborne Crawley. But I shouldn't worry too much. Given the local geology, the water's draining away into the Greensand as fast as it can flow in. In normal circumstances we'd point this out to him, but he's busy and happy so we'll tell him after Christmas.

Order of Solstice

Today we celebrate the end - and yet the beginning - of the Beaker year.
Sunset tonight is 15.54. Please be there sharp. This isn't one of those occasions when you can turn up late and wait for the worship to "warm up". Except given we'll be lighting the Solstice Fire that's exactly what the worship will be doing.

Winter Solstice Sunset

Hi-viz: Violet

The Gathering In Apprehension

Chorus:

"Raise your banners high
Don't die, Sun - don't die!" (repeat 12 times, in growing despair)

Looking to the East in Silence

All: "Is that the sun down there or is it just the floodlights from the Amazon warehouse?"

The Archdruid remembers that the sun sets in the west.

Looking to the West in Silence.

At the precise time of sunset, the Solstice Fire is lit from the eternal flame. An appropriate song (for example, "Eternal Flame" by the Bangles) may be played.*

Chorus:
"Let the flames burn high
Goodbye, Sun - Goodbye!" (repeat 12 times, growing gradually sadder)

As it grows darker, panic may spread among the congregation. The Gibbon Moon folk, generally of an excitable nature, lose it completely and run into the fields, howling with fear.

Archdruid: Darkness falls and the night is with us. The year is dead.

Young, keen and generally stupid Beaker Folk may leap over the Solstice Fire, in an age-old and traditional ritual. Those whose hi-viz vests catch fire are doused with water from the Safety
Beakers.

The lighting of the Bling

Archdruid: OK, Hnaef - flick the switch

The Orchard is illuminated with the light of a thousand suns, as Santas, Snowmen, Inflatable Alan Carrs, flashing lights, Singing Ringing Tree, dancing penguins, a sleigh and about a million blue LED icicles blaze into view. The congregation may go "Aaah".

The Dismissal

All: Great - can we go now? Arsenal-Liverpool just kicked off.

Archdruid: Fine by me. Got a busy week ahead. See you tomorrow at dawn?

All: Yeah. Let's hope the Sun rises...

Archruid: I'm sure it will. Let's face it, that's why we lit the fire.



Note - Can somebody please bring a lighter? It would appear the Eternal Flame has gone out.

* Not the Atomic Kitten version. We may be neo-pagans but we're not barbarians.

Solstice Eve

Tomorrow being the Solstice, I am drawn to write a few notes regarding the preparations we should make for this most holy day.

Note that all community bling must be switched off tonight. It won't do any harm for one night, and expresses sympathy with the sun. You can't prepare for the great act of Darkness Fear by illuminating the village with a 20-foot inflatable snowman. Likewise hi-viz colour tonight and tomorrow is violet. It's not much use as hi-viz, but I got them cheap because of a mistake at the factory. I've had them for years, and always thought they'd come in useful one day.

I'm pretty sure wassailing was heard somewhere down Aspley Road last night. Please do not wassail before the Solstice. I note how much you all itch to wassail, and it's one of the highlights of this Yuletide season. But still - it's like sneaking into the loft while your parents are watching telly to try and see what Santa's going to bring. Or at least try and keep it to a minimum. Oh all right, maybe a quick wassail....

Testy Taize

Many comments about our Taize service, mostly not positive. It seems that people think it was inappropriate for us to use a form of worship that was not consistent with the Beaker tradition.

I feel I should point out the integrity of what we did here. We ripped a form of worship out of context, and used the repetitive singing of simple songs, in a language none of us understood, to give us a feeling of deep spirituality without any any ethical content or challenge. We generally went away feeling fulfilled and untroubled.
Seems completely consistent with our normal practice to me.

Going downhill in a wheelbarrow

Good news on Arfwit and Archie.
They wanted to mark the passing this year of both Brian Wilde and Kathy Staff by going downhill in a wheelbarrow. Why they chose Dunstable Downs is beyond us all. Pascomb Pit is one heck of a slope to try this stunt for the first time. They're still in the L&D but Arfwit's femur is at least not a compound fracture.

Pyramid Selling

I don't understand why everyone has got so upset over the Beaker pyramid selling scheme.

In a traditional pyramid selling scheme, you sell shares in your scheme and run away with the money, leaving your customers hoping that they will be able to do the same.
But our scheme is entirely legitimate. For a small donation of £100, you can buy an authentic Beaker pyramid, hand-crafted from traditional styrofoam in a lock-up garage in Elfield Park. So the Community gets £100 (less a small contribution towards administration, styrofoam and the rent of the garage) - and you get a pyramid. Where's the catch in that?
Frankly, if you think £100 is a reasonable price to pay for a triangular lump of plastic that may - or may not* - increase your spiritual awareness, indicate the presence of ley lines, channel the astral plane and sharpen razor blades, then that's your lookout.
The noise you heard in the background may well have sounded like "ker-ching", but that was just your pyramid-enhanced ethereal awareness. Honest.

* Our lawyers have asked us to say.

Programme In Memory of Kathy Staff

As a strong woman, capable of driving men wild with desire while simultaneously terrifying them through the threat of physical violence and an acid tongue, the character of Nora Batty is a great role model for any young woman contemplating a career as an archdruid.

8 am - Chasing an old man around with a yard brush

10 am - Gossipping and Bickering

12 noon - Wash Day

1 pm - Hanging out the Washing

2 pm - Cream cakes (unless Ivy gets there first)

3pm - Brushing t'yard

4pm - Sitting in a side car looking grumpy

6pm - Suspicion and aggression

8pm - Dragging Wally out of the Pigeon Coop

Dress Code - Wrinkled Stockings

Is it too late to say I'm sorry?

Apologies all round. I understood that Rordrek was planning to hold a Ceilidh in the Old Cow Shed. Turns out he was planning to hold Kayleigh. Easy mistake to make, but not the same thing at all. Their nocturnal assignment was disturbed by the arrival of three violinists and a bunch of people carrying several cases of Guinness. Generally at this point most of us would apologise and leave. But not our Folk Band. Oh no. They were well into the third verse of "A Bunch of Thyme" before we could drag them out. Not a great night out for Kayleigh.