Thursday, 19 July 2012

Crystal Maze Church

Great idea, having different Church "zones". The concept being that as worshippers wander from zone to zone, they pick up crystals - each of which has an alleged healing property. Calcite, for example, is said to be an effective treatment for ringworm. And as we know, in alternative healing circles "is said" is as powerful as "proven by rigourous testing, double-blind trials and 30 years' exhaustive study in the field."

The Aztec zone proved remarkably unpopular, however. Something to do with the way we confused "Aztec" and "Inca", and then showed then that human sacrifice scene on a constant loop, I reckon. That's the trouble with "ethnic", isn't it? It's not always so cuddly and "noble savage" as we'd like to think. But I should stress that wasn't a real human sacrifice. In a further bit of cultural synergy - or, as some would put it, inauthenticity - it was taken from the 1970s TV series, I CLAVDIVS.

Likewise the Industrial Zone - in theory, this is the chance to worship in the reality of modern life - a "zone" which is half motor body-shop, half the delivery bay of a Cash-and-Carry. In fact, the repeated playing of "God of Concrete, God of Steel" drives all but the most dedicated of retro-modernists out. Proof that whoever marries the Spirit of the Age looks a right raw prawn in the next, that song.

The Futurist zone was likewise a flop. Charlii chose to do this as a representation of the future of the Church. Charlii is as liberal as Hnaef in many ways, but has a different take on the future - some would say more optimistic, some less. Hnaef's "Futurist Church" last week was tolerant, inclusive, diverse, progressive and - above all - empty. But Charlii's version was ethnically varied, full and noisily singing the praises of the Lord. While organising a "Gay Cure" school, teaching that Evolution is the Devil's Genesis and promising a Porsche for every 20 hours of prayer.

So we're all holed up in the Medieval Zone. There's a nice bit of plainsong going down, the ikon-painting workshop is going a storm and the Guilds are raising some money to buy a new reredos. I'm just hoping the Reformation doesn't break out - I've still got a shed-load of Indulgences to sell.


  1. No zone where you reach enlightenment by the use of certain substances? Natural substances, of course, not unnatural chemicals.

  2. This sounds like the snug bar of the White Horse!!

    Each table has a different use and user.

    Corner Table: Graduates and Pink Gin Drinkers.

    1st Left : Agricultural Workers.

    2nd Left : Geeks.

    3rd Left : Professionals/White collar.

    1st Back : Building Trades.

    2nd Back : Sanitary Engineers.

    1st Right : Manufacturing Trades.

    2nd Right : Retails workers

    3rd Right : Civil servants/social workers/teachers

    Centre : Clergy, Lay Workers, Bishops, Popes, Arch

    There is a competition to guess who is sitting on the wrong table, or, alternatively, who is socially mobile, upwards or downwards and should be on another table.

    Disputes are resolved by the Clergy etc with the judicious application of Anglican 'Fuzzy' logic, which normally ends up with someone signed up for the Choir, Jumble Sale, Churchyard Clearance, Cleaning rota, Flower rota, Church Warden, Sidesmen(women) or Lay Preacher.

    It's considered that if every pub was organised along these lines, there wouldn't be the social breakdown being experienced in our society. Everyone would know their place and church would meet it's target for mission and evangelism and get all of the stuff done.

    This is a brief summary of my PhD thesis, which I will be submitting to the University of the Underdog for validation next week.

  3. And I thought you'd be holed up in the "White Horse" zone... ;)

  4. Who remembers singing "Now let us remember the joys of the town, gay trams and bright buses that roar up and down." in school? In Manchester the trams are back - but who wuld dare to call them "gay" these days!


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