Hopi Nose Candling

We're always on the lookout for potentially profitable - and when I say profitable, I do of course mean to the soul and body - new therapies and practices.

The thing is, "Hopi" ear candles are such a stupid idea in the first place. The idea that they melt your earwax is so implausible - and the fear that the hot wax, if it existed, would drain under gravity straight into your brain. Add to that the lack of scientific verification. It is, in many ways, very fertile ground for further development. And on the fertile grounds that one is born every minute, I was very keen to try out Young Keith's new idea of Hopi Nose Candles this morning. And when I say "try out", I do of course mean "try it out on Burton".

Some may question our use of Burton Dasset, on the grounds that he's just getting over chicken pox. But in defence of my scientific  methods, I would point out that his weakened state meant he was much easier to overpower.

But the use of nose candles gave us some real problems, and so we were obliged to use Young Keith's Patent Tilting Mechanism to get him upside down. At which point, with the un-lit end inserted one into each of Burton's nostrils, we watched in horror as the wax went up his nose. Or, strictly speaking, down his nose.

But we were encouraged by theefficiency of the Hopi nose candle technique over ear candles - to wit, you can stick a candle up each nostril. Which means you can get through twice as many punters in any given period of time. So we tilted Burton back the right way up, and lit them again.

I'm not sure as a spiritual method of unblocking energies (or even nasal mucous) I would encourage Hopi nose candling. But I'll tell you one thing for certain. It doesn't half remove nasal hair.

Burton has gone off to recuperate again. Some would think this proves the nose candling was a failure. But I would argue otherwise. I reckon it just proves that Burton has received such a powerful health-giving experience that he needs time to reconcile his chakras to his aura. Give it a bit of tweaking as to which end of the candle we should actually be inserting, and I really think we're onto a winner here.