Friday, 13 July 2012

Scottish Food Laws

Scottish Archaeology has been turned upside down by the discovery of this runic inscription. It appears to be part of the legendary "Book Of Kelts", written by the great Pictish prophet, Malkie McMoses.

".... nor allow any Sassenach to live. But the Italians ye are to allow to settle within your cities. For they gave unto you ice cream when you were hot. And pizza when you were hungry.

12. You are not to drink of ale that contains leaven, nor of that which is warm or that which is flat. It is an English abomination.  Ye are to drink yellow beer, and it shall be nigh unto freezing - even as the snow that gatherest on the Cairngorms.

13. Not all living things are given unto you to drink. Ye shall shun the fruit of the vine - both white and red - unless it is of the Holy House that is called in the Devonian tongue "Buckfast" - which is to say, "Buckie Wine". The fruit of the vine is a soft drink. But lo, ye live in a land flowing with malt and barley. Do I need to draw ye a picture?

14. Five days ye shall drink lager. But on the 6th and 7th - hey, it's the weekend, boy!

15. You shall not eat the fruit of the courgette, nor the pea, nor the lentil. All salads shall ye dodge. And all pulse vegetables shall ye steer clear of.  Unless they're baked and in a tomato sauce.

16. All that goeth on four legs, whether it hath a cloven hoof or cheweth the cud, can ye curry. All that hath wings can ye curry also.

17. All that hath scales and swimmeth in the sea shall ye take unto the chippie. And there shall it be deep-fried in batter. And these other things may ye deep-fry: chips: pizzas: beef-burgers: spam: sausages: Mars-bars: Milky Way: but not the Crunchy, which hath a honeycomb centre which soundeth a bit healthy.

16. When you look up into the sky, and see that for the 93rd day running it raineth, or when thou art bitten by a mosquito or, as it may be, a midge - then shall ye rejoice knowing thou art a Scot, and not one of them lily-livered, posh, soft, Engli........"


  1. It's a pity that the extract has been translated into English.

    Can we have it again in Rabbie Burns language please.

  2. Yellow snow? Mmmmm, we all know what that is...

  3. An' whaur's the article ahent cauld paritch cut intay slices an' frit?

  4. Scottish cuisine (on which I grew to dysfunctional adulthood) is governed by only one law: there is white food and there is grey food. If something is proposed as food which is neither white nor grey, you must boil or fry it until it is either one or the other.

  5. ...and, by the way, the most recent studies (I heard this on Radio 4, so it must be true) have been able to establish no direct genetic or dietary etiology for the abysmally low life expectancy among Glaswegian men. As I suspected when I left forever, 30 years ago, one simply loses the will to live. It's officially spiritual.

  6. There was this lovely Scott I met in San Francisco a few years ago while on a tour, and we went to The Stinking Rose for dinner.... (sigh). Anyway, I am in absolute agreement on cold beer... _cold_... .


    The American Wanderer

  7. Get a life, God help you.

  8. Though he did ask God to help you. Which was nice.

    1. So you reckon I break even overall, Archimandrite?


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