Sunday, 1 July 2012

That Theresa May Citizenship Test

1. "Hard work is the way to get on" - using the examples of Fred "the Shred" and Bob Diamond, explain why this is a load of dingo's kidneys.

2. Show a working knowledge of the following patriotic songs:
a) The National Anthem
b) Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land
c) The Lambeth Walk
d) I'm Sexy and I know it

3. Dave "Boy" Jones puts on his whistle, goes down the frog to the rub-a-dub and meets his old mucker, Sid Fingers over a couple of pigs'. If Dave sells Sidney his jam-jar for a pony, but he owes Psycho Pete a monkey:
a) How long will it be before Dave ends up encased in the footings of the new fly-over?
b) How come you believe anyone really still talks like this?

4. As part of your British Orientation Course, you will have watched every episode of "Midsomer Murders". So do you really think you fit in, Mr Patel?

5. Thomas Hardy, George Eliot, Anthony Trollope - name another three novelists that 95% of Britons have never heard of.

6. EITHER explain the part that the repeal of the Corn Laws played in the liberalisation of the British import market OR try to remember who won "The Voice".

7. "Britain is historically a Christian country". Try to think of one difference that might make.

8. All three major parties at the last election were in favour of an elected House of Lords. Why is it not going to happen? You do realise, don't you, that other countries that appoint people into power because of who their dad was, or because they're friends of the political elite, include Saudi Arabia, Syria and Cuba?

9. Bobbies on bicycles, old ladies on their way to church, Lady Di, Stiff Upper Lips, Tommy Steele, The Traditional English Reserve, bowler hats, Bobby Charlton - name three other things you're surprised not to have seen yet?

10 "A staffie's not as tasty as a pit bull, but it is legal" - why might this make little difference to your purchase of a dog?

11. Are you one of those skiving, benefits-thieving immigrants or one of the nice, law-abiding, hard-working ones? (Please answer honestly - it makes a difference).

12. "The United Kingdom has a long history of free speech". Try to square this with Section 5 of the Public Order Act.

13. "Carlsberg - probably the best lager in the world" - diuscuss, with reference to good lagers from around the world.

14. Why might people think that screaming at children in supermarkets helps?

15. After watching an episode of The Only Way is Essex, why on earth do you still want to live here?


  1. The last one is really the only one that counts.

    Why indeed?

  2. British Citizen Test: Only requires yes or no answers.

    1. Are you British or Irish or derived from British or Irish Origins?

    2. Are you French or derived from French Origins?

    3. Are you German or derived from German Origins?

    4. Are you an American Citizen not derived from British Origins?

    5. Are you a Celebrity?

    6. Are you a Multi-Millionaire?

    7. Are you a Mega Sports Star?

    8. Are you a Victim of Positive Discrimination?

    9. Are you a Christian?

    10. Do you listen to Leonard Cohen?

    Answer Matrix:

    1. Yes - Pass, No - Fail
    2. Yes - Fail, No, Pass
    3. Yes - Fail, No, Pass
    4. Yes - Fail, No, Pass
    5. Yes - Fail, No, Pass
    6. Yes - Pass, No, Fail.
    7. Yes - Pass, No, Fail.
    8. Yes - Fail, No, Fail.
    9. Yes - Pass, No, Fail.
    10. Yes - Pass, No, Fail.

  3. You are about to get a tramp stamp. Should it be a name or an artistic design?

  4. Canada's version is much simpler, at least for a few people:

    (1) Do you have a large sum of money to invest? If Yes, Come on in!

    (2) For those who can't invest large sums of money, it gets rather more complicated including factors like Are you a refugee, and if so, who says so? The UN, or just you personally? Do you have a job lined up already? What skills do you have (although when you get in with desired skills, they might not be recognized)? Please give all details about your recent marriage to a citizen (although some people who've been badly deceived about this say there isn't enough done about marriages in which one partner thinks it's a marriage of convenience and the other doesn't.

  5. Excellent test - now leaving country as obviously not fit to be British citizen.

    Happy Monday


  6. Now, Now, Vic, you are definitely British, as you have a sense of humour.


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