"Welcome to St Leodegarius's Church Switchboard. You will now be presented with a number of options.
For baptisms, press 1.
For funerals, press 2.
For weddings, press 3.
For christenings, press 1 - that's the same as a baptism. Honest.
For all other enquiries, press 4.
For an adult baptism, press 1.
For a child's baptism, press 2.
For a naming service, press 3.
For a baptism service that's a surrogate wedding, press 4.
For a baptism during the main church service, press 1.
For a baptism at 11.30, after the main service, press 2.
If you've phoned up thinking we can deliver baptisms to order within an hour, press 3 to be disappointed.
If you'd really like a non-religious kind of thing, you've probably phoned the wrong number. Press 4 and we'll see what we can do.
How many children are you having baptised? Enter the number on your keypad, and then press the hash key.
How many guests are you expecting at the baptism? Please enter the number, followed by the hash key.
Did you know it's the vicar's day off today?
Press 1 if you did, but don't care.
Press 2 if you didn't, but you've got this far now.
Or you could phone back tomorrow?
Thank you for making your selection. You will now be placed into call with our parishioner-service representative."
Hello, St Leodegarius's Vicarage - Revd Sheena speaking?