Church Services Automated Switchboard

"Welcome to St Leodegarius's Church Switchboard. You will now be presented with a number of options.

For baptisms, press 1.
For funerals, press 2.
For weddings, press 3.
For christenings, press 1 - that's the same as a baptism. Honest.
For all other enquiries, press 4.

[1]

For an adult baptism, press 1.
For a child's baptism, press 2.
For a naming service, press 3.
For a baptism service that's a surrogate wedding, press 4.

[2]

For a baptism during the main church service, press 1.
For a baptism at 11.30, after the main service, press 2.
If you've phoned up thinking we can deliver baptisms to order within an hour, press 3 to be disappointed.
If you'd really like a non-religious kind of thing, you've probably phoned the wrong number. Press 4 and we'll see what we can do.

[1]
How many children are you having baptised? Enter the number on your keypad, and then press the hash key.

[2#]

How many guests are you expecting at the baptism? Please enter the number, followed by the hash key.
[46#]

Did you know it's the vicar's day off today?
Press 1 if you did, but don't care.
Press 2 if you didn't, but you've got this far now.
Or you could phone back tomorrow?

[2]

Thank you for making your selection. You will now be placed into call with our parishioner-service representative."

.................................................

Hello, St Leodegarius's Vicarage - Revd Sheena speaking?