Saturday, 27 July 2013

Imprecation on the Stella "Cidre" Advert

Allegedly French Bloke: C'est "cidre". C'est pas "cider".

Charlii: But it's not "cidre" is it?

All: No, it's "cider".

Burton: In French it's "cidre". Wonderful, is proper French cidreCidre bouché - sparkling, and gentle. The produce of Loïc Raison: mass-market yet wonderful. A thousand little orchards, scattered over Normandy and Brittany. The smell of crushed pomace, fizzing and popping on an autumn day... [He falls over, drooling]

Charlii: But you, oh Stella Artois, aren't French, are you?

All: Oh no.

Charlii: You're not even Walloon, are you?

All: Oh no.

Charlii: The people who make your products don't even call the town where you make them "Louvain", do they?

All: Oh no.

Charlii: Oh no. They call it "Leuven". Because....

All: They're Flemish.

Charlii: They don't speak French, except under protest. Because...

All: They speak Dutch.

Charlii: And the Dutch for cider is...

All: "Cider".

Charlii: So, Stella Artois, I put it to you that you don't drive around in a 60s French nouvelle-vague film set. Oh no.

All: (sing) You wear clogs, and you're all called Jan. You wear clogs and you're all called Jan. You wear clogs and you're all called Jan. You're not French - you're Belgians.

Charlii: Stop that. It's very slightly racist.

Young Keith: People of Britain, if you want to drink cidre, make sure it's French. If you want to drink cider, make sure it's from Richs or Thatchers or Westons, Broome Farm or Sheppey or Whin Hill or by Rosy, any of a host of decent manufacturers. But don't drink fizzy, fermented Belgian apple juice and go thinking it's French. That's just silly. Let the Belgians make beer. They're good at that.


  1. Hear, hear, says she with a glass of good Normandy cidre next to her keyboard. :-)

  2. Quite so. France for wine. Belgium for lager. England for beer and cider. Scotland for whisky. (He says, starting to fall over after testing this theory...)

    1. Belgium for *lager*? I think yo have just outed yourself as not a real Catholic at all. I reckon you may be Richard Dawkins' sock puppet, after that faux pas.

    2. Time I went for a Burton, Dasset.

    3. Feeling Orval? Probably all for the Westmalle...

      Burton was rude, though. I think he should have shut La Trappe.

  3. Non! I ham notte Frainch hand I ham notte a Walloon. I ham - how you say - a balloon with a Frainch haccent. You see how I flöt in the hair?
    Now, I should laik to bök a röm for the naight.
    The naim eez Clöseau. That's Clöseau without a röm for the naight.


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