Wednesday, 27 November 2013

25 Signs Your Church May Have Some Priorities Wrong

  1. Under-16s are banned from Mass so people can concentrate on being holy.
  2. People worry about doing things that would upset Mabel. Even though she's been 6 feet under the churchyard for a decade.
  3. All your decisions are made with regard to the possibility of future reunion with the Russian Orthodox Church.
  4. The notices are longer than the Gospel reading.
  5. The minister commences the Communion part of the service by saying "but enough about me...".
  6. Everybody is on Twitter, ready for the first heresy of the day.
  7. The candles are put on the Communion Table by someone equipped with a set-square and a laser measure. 
  8. There is a heated PCC debate over whether you should translate the Hail Mary into modern English.
  9. You are fundraising to get the memorials cleaned.
  10. The curate and the vicar are each so desperate to lead Communion every week themselves, that the curate uses the Lady Chapel and you have to install a hagioscope.
  11. The Mission Group concludes that "There's not much point, there's probably no churchy people out there". 
  12. The Parish Profile takes 12 months to write, due to a disagreement over the spelling of "oecumenical". 
  13. The Parish Profile takes 12 months to write, due to a disagreement over the spelling of "ecumenical". (Burton insisted we put this one in to balance number 12)
  14. No Carol Service leaflets are put up in Tesco, as people from other parishes might read it and be evangelised.
  15. The Guitarist is told she can't play until she upgrades her Squier to a "proper" Strat.
  16. The homeless person in the porch is asked if he can sleep in the hedge, as the town Carol Service is to be held in the churchyard and he's putting people off  thinking about the real meaning of Christmas.
  17. The Electoral Roll Officer includes people who emigrated in the 70s, so they don't feel left out.
  18. The vicar cancels all services in October to keep the Parish Share down.
  19. If any vicar fails to light the Easter Fire, they are instantly sacked as the judgement of God is upon them.
  20. The Carol Service is held in April so as not to attract regulars.
  21. The Organist accidentally picks something the congregation can sing.
  22. The Outreach Group explicitly excludes "obvious sinners" from their Mission Statement.
  23. The first female vicar has her name put on the big board on the wall. In pink letters. 
  24. The children's corner contains a scrap of old carpet and some third-hand toys. And is sound-proofed. And in the Church Hall.
  25. The minister starts each sermon with "And so to chapter X of my new book..."
  26. You write 25 Signs Your Church May Have Some Priorities Wrong, and don't use the word "poor".


  1. The only response to that might be, what's wrong with those things?

  2. I was thinking of using a laser level and set square to arrange my altars each week. If you saw my current proficiency level, you would agree that these tools are necessary!

    1. Is that for the altar? Or the things on it?

  3. #26, Your Pope is progressive Marxist.

    1. Some would consider that an improvement?


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