Sunday, 12 April 2015

Church Sounds in Decibels

SourceLevel (db)Notes
The minister has just asked for volunteers to take the children's group this week.
This is believed to be one of the few verifiable examples of religious phenomena that cannot be disproved by science. As it is the only sound of this level that can be heard, and has the effect of a blow around the head.
Unless the minister has received a blow round the head, in which case the volume is irrelevant.
First 10 seconds after minister announces the plan to move the tea light stand
Sweat running down back
Empty chapel on a quiet day
Calm Reflection
Murmur of doves on a sunny day
Closeness to God
Morning prayer when only the vicar turns up
Vicar wakes up 3 hours later with edge of pew indented in forehead
Agreed volume the bass player in the music group is allowed to play "so as not to upset the older people"
Causes sulky looks and frustration.
Child in the play corner, when asked to be very quiet because something holy is going on.
Congregation's glasses steam up, loud tutting, vicious looks, child does not go to church any more.
Church bells, heard through an open window in the new estate on the other side of the village.
Complaints to the council, police and Queen by the new couple who just moved in from Hampstead. Letters to the council. Scurrilous headlines in the local paper.  Nasty looks at the husband when he tries to go for a quiet pint in the local.
Vicar's Moped at 25 feet
Causes complete lack of attention in motorists
Mrs Cholmondeley in the Quire
Probable hearing damage over 1 hour exposure. Mr Cholmondeley has used this as an excuse for years.
Thunderstorm during a service
Unexpected need to visit toilet, repentance, awkward questions about the minister's beliefs and sex life.
Committee has had 10 seconds to digest the plan to move the tea light stand
People arriving to set up for the next service, trying to be quiet outside while the early service is still going on.
Disorientation, confusion, skipping of prayers.

1 comment :

  1. Advice from Legal Advisory Commission of the General Synod

    (i) It is not for witnesses, however expert, independent or impartial, to decide whether noise complained about constitutes an actionable nuisance whether at common law or under statute (R (o.a.o. London Borough of Hackney) v Rottenberg [2007] EWHC 166 (Admin)). per Scott Baker LJ).

    (ii) The subjective judgment is that of the court. Parliament has not provided an objective standard to be measured by some yardstick such as the level of decibels of noise at particular times of day. The Court must take into account all the circumstances - and therefore many different factors. Technical evidence of noise readings is not required as a matter of law (Rottenberg per David Clarke J).



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