The Pagan Origin of Ed Balls Day

Every one now knows that Xmas, Easter, Candlemas etc have Pagan origins. Or at least have read some drivel about it and been unable to apply sufficient critical facilties to smell historical horse manure.

But the one festival that most people don't realise actually is of pagan origin is Ed Balls Day.

Originating in Canaanite folk religion, Ed Baals was the god of over-tight football shorts. On Ed Baals Day, he would climb down the chimneys of mansions, and take 50% of all the owners' possessions. The poor people would cluster towards him, assuming he would redistribute the wealth to them. But instead, Ed Baals would give all the money to the Lords of Peyeff Ai. Who would then let him use their hospitals and schools, as long as he gave them as much again the following year.

Today, we celebrate Ed Balls Day by eating Chocolate Salty Balls and cheese balls. How easy it is to forget that an ancient god, whose festivities could often cost his worshippers an arm and a leg, has been so sanitised.