Thursday, 23 April 2015

Inoffensive Liturgy of St George

Archdruid: And so on this St George's Day we raise St George's cross...

All: Bit UKIP-y?

Archdruid: And we celebrate the patron saint of England.

All: You trying to upset the Scots Nats?

Archdruid: The red cross...

Burton: Isn't that a crusader's cross? You encouraging ISIS?

Archdruid: ...stained, it is said, by his martyr's blood, on his warrior's shield....

All: A soldier? What, freedom fighter?

Archdruid: No. Roman soldier.

Hnaef: Imperialist as well. This ain't getting better.

Archdruid: He killed a dragon.

All: Did he reason with it first?

Archdruid: WHAT?

Stacey Bushes: Did he try to discuss maybe some kind of peace treaty - bring in a neutral third party to facilitate negotiations? Intelligent creatures, dragons. We've seen The Hobbit. They've got to have some rights.

Archdruid: No!  He had to save a helpless maiden.....

Edith Weston: What a sexist. You saying her sex life - or lack of it - was the determinant in whether she was saved or not?

Archdruid: I'm sorry?

Charlii: Would he have saved her if she'd been a single mother, or other non-conformer to patriarchal ideals? I suppose if she'd been a childless woman making a living as the chief exec of a pottery company he'd have left her to roast.

Archdruid: I don't know. I'm not aware he had that option. She was a helpless maiden.....

Daphne: What was so helpless about her? Why did it take a man to reinforce his role as protector - while simultaneously endorsing an unholy alliance between religion and the military/industrial complex - to kill an innocent dragon? Surely the maiden herself could have killed the dragon, were she not trapped in the stereotypical role of "helpless"?

Archdruid: So we cry "God, King Harry and St George for England! "

All: That's right, upset the French....


  1. I had expected an immigration rant about the troubles you have when you let Syrians come here and masquerade as English. Yon Andra was a Palestinian. Yer man Pádraig was a Brit. And even if Dewi was Welsh, he was a Bishop which is probably just as bad as being a refugee.

  2. Slaying dragons is dragonist and racist too. Everyone knows dragons is Welsh innit?

  3. Bad choice of patron saint for England - should have been St Aidan. Oh, sorry he was born in Ireland - but at least he lived in England. Or how about Cuthbert? Oh, sorry, same problem as Aidan. Let's get back to some real old English saints, if you can define which are 'english' in the modern sense - and you probably can't.

  4. St Edmund.
    St Edward.
    St Rumwold (patron of Strixton near Wollaston).

    Completely English in all definitions.

  5. St Windreda (but she was a woman, and I don't know whether were allowed female patron saints)

    1. Oxford has one. So does St Hilda's college.

  6. When I was at Junior School, many moons ago, it was the custom every year for the top forms, sorry, classes, to present a play. One year our form master, sorry, class teacher, Dennis Dobson, wrote us a play about Saint George and his dragon, but he put a splendid spin on the tale.

    In his version, George was a complete wimp who only went up against the dragon because he was more scared of the Princess, who was a terrifying ogress on the lines of a Hattie Jacques hospital matron.

    In the climactic battle, George won because the Princess charged in to defend him and at the sight of her the dragon stopped fire-breathing and fled.

    Perhaps you just had to be there. But I remember it as a truly joyous occasion; one master, sorry, teacher, laughed so hard he gave himself an asthmatic fit and another laughed so hard he fell off his chair.

    Mr Dobson not only wrote the script and directed, he made the scenery and a good few of the costumes, especially the dragon. He must be many years dead, may his memory be honoured and may his soul rest in peace.


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