Saturday, 19 December 2015

Middle Class Rights

It's all very well, people banging on about "human rights" like they're something so special. But now everyone has human rights, what about the middle classes? What rights do they have?

Join the Beaker campaign for middle class rights, and we will ensure that nobody in Bedfordshire has more than three miles to go for a bagel again.

Our demands are:

  1. Free Wi-Fi on trains.
  2. Waitroses in all market towns.
  3. More brioches in the media.
  4. A national road-widening scheme to make more space for people-carriers and 4x4s.
  5. Recognition that Agas are a necessity, and therefore exempt from VAT.
  6. Kirsty Allsopp to be London Mayor.
  7. Decriminalkisaa
  8. House prices to be broadcast after the weather.
  9. Assertiveness on the national curriculum.
  10. Immunity from prosecution for those who lie about living in the school catchment area.
  11. Hermes to subcontract to people with nicer cars.
  12. Complaining about "gentrification" to be reclassified as a hate crime.
  13. Michael Roux to be mandatory on all TV channels.
  14. Car washing to be the established religion of the United Kingdom.
  15. Received Pronunciation to be recognised as a separate language to more common forms of English.
  16. Mary Berry to be listed.
Until our demands are met, we will not cease our quiet grumbling in M+S, our tutting on the Tube and our 

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