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Thursday, 24 December 2015

Did Women Vicars Wipe out White Dog Poo?

Previously I have commented on Kathy Gyngell's correlation of women priests and decline in the Church of England.

But spurious correlation is a powerful thing. I've had a crack team of Beaker Folk who are graduates of both Oxford and Cambridge (i.e. me and Hnaef) studying all the data, and the revelation I'm about to  make is - to be honest - quite a revelation.

When I was a young girl, there were female vicars. But the streets and alleyways of Bedfordshire were littered - and I think that is the mot juste - with white dog poo. Sure, dogs had brown poo as well. But white dog poo was all over the place.

Today, there's female vicars everywhere you look - especially in Kathy Gyngell's world - and yet, oddly, the white dog poo that was a common experience in the 1970s has disappeared. If we plot the graph of the two facts over the last forty years, it looks a bit like this:

The lesson is quite clear isn't it? Female priests have wiped out white dog poo.

But aha, I hear you cry - almost everywhere except the Conservative Woman Blog - surely correlation isn't causation. How did the advent of female vicars cause this phenomenon? Surely they are unrelated - or else both caused by a third effect.

Not so. It's pretty clear. In the 70s, dogs were fed large amounts of bone meal in their food. As a result of their high-calcium diet their droppings were full of calcium also, and were so white they glowed in the dark. But since then, female vicars have started calling the shots. Under their feminising, liberal, vegetarianising influence, dog food has become - without anyone noticing - increasingly vegetarian. Surely you've noticed that dogs are less inclined to fight and more likely to sit around discussing how to ensure a Corbyn victory in 2020?

So it's not just correlation. It's causation. Women priests have wiped out white dog poo. And I would like, at this point, to apologise for using the expression "wiped out". Probably given you an image you didn't want.

1 comment :

  1. I narrowly avoided a white dog poo only yesterday in Port Meadow. However this does lead to the interesting possibility that they are now only manifest to papists like me who believe in the impossibility of women priests. There is something satisfyingly "Heisenberg" about the whole thing, thought those without the calcium rich dog poo are in an altogether nicer reality. But of course Oxford doesn't really exist anyway....


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