Monday, 1 January 2018

15 New Year Forecasts for Religion in 2018

As it is traditional at this time, O Theophili, people make predictions for the New Year. And so why not? In case you're wondering, yes I have made these predictions by assuming this year will be just like last. And, assuming the Express or Star ain't right with their own prediction (see number 13), I reckon I'm pretty safe.
  1. Some Traditionalist Catholics won't like the Pope doing something. Or not doing something. Or something. Whatever. They won't like it.
  2. The appointment of a Church of England bishop to a diocese will definitely be the final straw that breaks the back of something or other, while reopening whichever wounds are appropriate.
  3. Republican politicians in the United States will send "thoughts and prayers" repeatedly to the victims of gun attacks, while doing absolutely nothing about the way they keep happening. This will not prove that prayers do not work, but that God expects us to work in line with our prayers, not the sources of our funding.
  4. Much will be made of the way that which Royal Wedding it is this year will be presided over by a member of a Church. Some will say it shows the C of E can do things properly. Some will say it shows that we are still not secular enough. Pastafarians will put colanders on their heads and wish they knew how to meet women.
  5. The various split-off churches from the Church of England will do a quick count and realise they have more bishops and clergy than laity.
  6. Someone on Twitter will initially claim that every car that hits a pedestrian was driven by a Muslim. Being proven wrong will make no difference next time it happens.
  7. Churches will be accused of being intolerant of, too tolerant of, and ignoring, LGBTI people (please delete as applicable)
  8. Christians in the Middle East and elsewhere will be martyred. Nobody will do anything about it. Because nobody that matters, cares.
  9. Evangelicals in the United States will run a competition for a new word that means "believing in the primacy of Gospel and a born-again experience, but not being naive enough to think that the President is really on the side of good." 
  10. A vicar will get the sack for getting married.
  11. Some men who have left the Church of England will continue to harp on about the Church of England, like divorcees who said they wanted their freedom but then just can't let it go.
  12. A comedian will confuse saying stupid things about religion with being right-on and funny.
  13. The Express or the Star will publish the belief of some wally that the world will end, and wonder why the Archbishop of Canterbury hasn't commented yet. Just after the world doesn't end, the wally will explain the flaw in his (it will be "his") calculations
  14. In his bedroom in his parent's house, a 45-year-old atheist will hear the word "sheeple" for the first time and think it's fantastically witty. Then use it for the rest of his (it will be "his") life.
  15. Something vaguely egalitarian decision by a continental Lutheran Church will be blown up into a claim that they think God is gender-fluid like a clownfish.

Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.

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