Tuesday, 23 January 2018

To An Unknown Idiot

We Beaker Folk have many saints, as may be seen in the increasingly-obsolete "Beaker Common Prayer". But among them, we were always worried that we might be forgetting somebody important and whose intercessions we might be in need of.

That's why the plaque on the North East but a bit to the North wall of the Moot House has always been dedicated "To an Unknown Idiot". We never knew when this idiot might come in handy. Human idiocy, after all, is the world's most powerful renewable energy source.

Over the years, the Beaker Folk have tied clouties to the Prayer Tree before the plaque in order to request all sorts of ridiculous boons from wherever they thought this immense power for stupidity might be. They have included:
  • Donald Trump's modesty
  • A unicorn that runs on unleaded fuel
  • A lost chord which is secretly Am6 on Friday nights
  • An octarine beetle
  • A perpetual motion machine
  • A score of 19 at cribbage
  • The ability to hang-glide under water
  • The East Wind in a pint glass (held in with a beer mat)
  • The sodium salt of helium
  • The sunrise over the Atlantic in Cornwall
And finally today, they have realised who the Unknown Idiot is.

The man who promised us £350M by writing it on a bus. Who every time he opens his mouth, ruins a life. Who has now insisted that his colleagues provide £100M of  non-existent Brexit bonus for the Health Service. The many who couldn't put a garden over the Thames but thinks he can put a motorway over the English Channel. Some believe that Nigel Farage only exists so that Boris Johnson is not the most ridiculous, preposterous, unbelievable politician in the United Kingdom. All we can say is, Farage has his work cut out. Boris, you're not funny any more. You're not unstoppable any more. And nobody believed anything you said in the first place.

The one we called the Unknown Idiot, we now declare to you. And the bad news is, now he's just a Known Idiot. An Idiot Without Portfolio.

(Image hacked out of this article - full image by Barcroft Media)

Want a good laugh? Want to laugh at the church? Want to be secretly suspicious that the author has been sitting in your church committee meetings taking notes? Then Writes of the Church: Gripes and grumbles of people in the pews is probably the book for you.

From Amazon, Sarum Bookshop, The Bible Readers Fellowship and other good Christian bookshops. An excellent book for your churchgoing friends, relatives or vicar. By the creator of the Beaker Folk.


  1. Boris or Trump? I'd still go for Trump. In any comparison with Boris, Trump wins hands down. His leadership is so stupid, that he takes millions of Americans with him, while Boris' leadership has always been a laughing stock, and took nobody with him.

  2. Perhaps we could launch him into space. The amount of hot air he emits would surely take him out of the earth's orbit, and after that.....who cares?


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