On the Spiritual Benefits of Mid-Table Obscurity

Warning - turn away now if you are not interested in football (or are trying not to hear the progress of the game).

There seems to be much excitement among those who support football teams such as Man Utd and Man City, Tottenham, Arsenal and others today. A Manchester team will win the Premiership - and at the moment I'm not quite sure which yet. Although it would appear that by getting sent off for attacking the entire city of Manchester just now, Joey Barton has unexpectedly strengthened his own team as QPR are now leading Man City. Maybe Joey should get sent off more often, for the benefit of his team - if he ever gets the opportunity again.

The majority of the Beaker Folk leadership are watching all this (or, in some cases, not) with a sense of total equanimity. The Official Team of the Beaker People, Liverpool, are not going anywhere as a result of today's games. We can't win the League. We can't go down (and you'd never have believed, in the last 45+ years, that that would ever be a concern). We can't get in the Championship. We're safely in mid-table obscurity, clutching our League Cup, going into the Europa League, where next season we get to play teams of Belorussian boiler-welders and part-time Slovakian eel-farmers. Though what a part-time Slovakian is when he's not being Slovakian, I'm not quite sure. Czech, maybe, or perhaps one of the people of "O" - the little, landlocked state that was also involved in the breakup of Czechoslovakia.

In any case, none of this matters. The pomp, the glamour, the shiny shields and baubles - none of it matters. We have a place safely reserved in the European equivalent of the Autowindscreens Shield, and that will have to do. There are no heart-stopping moments for us today.

(2-2, by the way. Surely Man city can't come back and win this?)

Obviously, it's better for the mental health. And the blood pressure. No heart palpitations, and no sudden urges to elbow Man City players. This is much better for us. A kind of Zen thing. Our prize - such as it is - is safe. Why get over-excited? That is what we tell ourselves.

I'd like to draw the analogy with knowing we have a reward safe in heaven - that, secure and safe, we can watch the excitements of  those who chase worldly rewards, promotions and the chance to chair exciting meetings. But if you can find any way of making the Europa League sound like Heaven, you're a better man or woman than I am.

Man City just won, by the way. Poor old Fergie.