But in remembrance of this day, we are glad to post the following 45 Whinges.
- The church is too cold.
- The minister's a woman.
- The hymn books smell.
- The Youth Group mumble when they lead the service.
- The organist is too flashy.
- Why does the Press talk so much about sex and religion, and so little about the poor?
- The choir is out of tune.
- Don't like the coffee.
- The glue on the offertory envelopes tastes horrible.
- Barrack-room lawyer on the PCC.
- They won't let us sing carols in Advent.
- The vicar is, apparently, a Pelagian.
- Which isn't so bad as the congregation are mostly Arians.
- Those kids are always running around.
- Don't like the smell of incense.
- Can we have little tokens to drop in the collection plate, to show we donate by direct debit?
- Three people died of old age during the 'Taize" intercessions.
- Aaagh! A clown in the service! Help!
- Why do we have to have an ecumenical service? The URC always want to preach, and the Salvation Army band always plays.
- The Circuit Steward won't give me a lift to meetings because we can't agree a reasonable contribution for petrol.
- The old pastor was better.
- Why doesn't somebody else clean the memorials?
- The flower arrangers are scary.
- It's a baptism on Sunday.
- We don't like the chairs in a horseshoe. Can we put them in a straight line?
- The BCP/old hymn book/ Songs of Living Waters was much nicer.
- The guitar solo was 8 minutes long.
- Why can't we sing "I Vow to Thee, my Country"?
- The church loos are across the graveyard.
- The radiant heaters on the ceiling burn the heads of bald people.
- The "radical" statue of Our Lady scares the kids.
- Why do we have Deanery services when nobody goes?
- The PCC meeting was three hours long.
- It's my turn to organise the Jumble Sale.
- We have to bring our own umbrellas to church for when it rains.
- The drummer would be about the right volume if he were playing on the other side of the graveyard. Preferably in the loo.
- The Minister never comes to see me.
- Somebody put a pumpkin in the pulpit. Oh, wait, it's the Minister.
- Mrs Charlton's chutney is too expensive at the Autumn Fayre.
- The Parish Share is impossible.
- There's too many notices.
- Why does little Agnetha always play St Mary at the Nativity? She's 42 now, and after 36 years it's time somebody else had a go.
- We feel really embarrassed by "interactive" sermons.
- The Minister brings his dog round because he thinks it makes him seem more friendly. But the dog sheds hair on your carpet.
- The sermon was too long.
A corollary to number 29: they've been rejected by toilet twinning.org because nobody can find a latrine in Burundi willing to twin with them
ReplyDeleteNo 23 is so true! ;)
ReplyDeleteMaggie' one of the flower team' Brinkley x
Pelagian? At least he's being British...better than the Arian Visigoths of the congregation whose bowels will no doubt burst while using the loos...
ReplyDelete