Brexuality

The year is 2022. The Conservative and Brexit Party of Great Britain has triumphed in the snap election called by Prime Minister Jordan Henderson. And now the population is reduced to living on the remaining Welsh lamb, prawns that can no longer be exported to the European Union, and Yorkshire rhubarb. In the Enoch Powell research facility (formerly the Oxford Biochemistry Laboratory), Ann Widdecombe, Minister for Science and Re-education, is checking out the progress of the new research project.

Anne Widdecombe: So how's it going? Have you worked it out yet?

Very Brainy Scientist: Listen, minister.... are you sure this is where you want to be spending what's left of the Government's money? Since Dominic Raab cut income tax to 4%, the value of sterling has plummeted, and the only export we can still get out of the country at competitive rates is Ed Sheeran downloads, we don't have money to spend on vanity projects.

AW: Vanity projects?

VBS: Turning gay people straight. I mean, it doesn't help the economy. It doesn't further human rights. The Republic of California will refuse even to discuss a trade deal. And it's an infringement of human dignity.

AW: Never mind that. Have you built the machine that stops people being deviants or not?

VBS: Yes. Yes we have.  If by "stops people being deviants" you mean "changes their fundamental sexual orientation."

AW: And does it work?

VBS: In Beta, yes. Though we need to run some trials with a more significant cohort. But there's an interesting effect we've noticed.

AW: Which is?

VBS: Well, you've assumed this is a one-way conversion.

AW: Abnormal to normal, yes.

VBS: Let's say "gay to straight"?

AW: That's what I said.

VBS: And yet you went on Strictly Come Dancing?

AW: Yes. Why?

VBS: Sorry. Not really relevant. Anyway. The machine we've built subtly reprograms certain neural responses to external stimuli. It acts upon the brain cells, if you like, like a magnetic switch - changing the selected neurons from "on" to "off" or vice versa.

AW: The neurons have always been "off" in my case.

VBS: So we gathered. In any case, it's like the RAM in a computer. We can change them one way or the other.

AW: So you can turn normal, red-blooded, English people into those who indulge in the love that dare not squeak its name*?

VBS: Indeed we can. And to test that this is indeed the case. we've been transmitting the "gay rays" into the chair you've been sitting on for the last ten minutes.....

AW:  Ridiculous. You seriously think you could affect the resolute mind of an upstanding member of the Brexit Party?

VBS: Maybe not. I guess it was always going to be hard to hit a target so small... Well, goodbye minister.

AW: Goodbye. Hold on - who's that on the TV in the common room?

VBS: That's Sue Perkins on a repeat of "Bake Off", minister. Why?

AW: Oh, nothing. Carry on...



* with thanks to Mike McShane in a very early "Whose Line is it Anyway?"

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