Saturday 16 November 2019

Church School Application Form for Families That Don't Really Go to Church

St Boris's Church of England School - Application for Admission, Academic Year 2020-21

Child's Name_________________________

Post Code _________

Name of Parent / Guardian_____________________________

Date of BirthDD/MM/YY

No, we meant the Child's date of birth not the parent'sDD/MM/YY

Name of Church (Clue: Look at the notice board)_____________________________

Name of Incumbent Priest (Clue: They're the one with a dog collar)_____________________________

Be honest - would they recognise you?YES/NO

How long has the family attended church?☐ Precisely 12 Months 

How would you describe your situation within the Church?☐ We go to the fete if it's not raining
☐ At the heart of Church Life
☐ The place would crumble without me
☐ Vicar
☐ 3rd pew on the left

What are your aspirations for your future in the Church?☐ Getting more sleep on a Sunday now we've got this form in
☐ Hope to be back for his/her wedding, unless we decide that the local old manor house is a better setting.

Name of child's great-granny who was the last person genuinely to attend worship regularly 


I hereby certify that I am prepared for my child to undergo light-weight religious indoctrination in order to have a crack at a decent university. I may not believe in any creed or religion, but the local Independent schools are a bit pricy._____________________________

Want to support this blog? Want a good laugh? (or to shudder at death at any rate? Then here's two ways you can keep the Archdruid in doilies...
If you want someone to share the terrors of death while making you laugh, we have "A Hint of Death in the Morning Air" - 97 poems to make you wonder, laugh or shake your head sadly. At only £1 on Kindle. Or if you want to know what the people in the pews really think, and you prefer your words printed on paper, why not try "Writes of the Church"?  The letters to the Church magazine the vicar really didn't need.


  1. Karin Rosner So, in New York City, my parish operates a pre-kindergarten school of great reknown. This year, after many years letting the school do its own nonsectarian secular thing, we made the conscious decision to hire a new director who was a person of lively Christian faith, and let parents know that our prestigious pre-school program was... ack... part of our Parish ministry. Ack. Results forthcoming, but I’m sure that all of our pre-school graduates will be prepared for the next stages of their education.

  2. 'Lightweight religious indoctrination' does exist if a conversation I heard recently is anything to go by.
    A neighbour told her friend that her child was going to the local Catholic school. 'Oh I didn't know you were Catholic' said the friend. 'We're not' said my neighbour 'but the school is not too Catholic so we don't mind.'

  3. The issue faced by many incumbents when a stranger turns up with a form in a hurry, expecting a signature without question. I suppose that it is a sign of the times, that Church Schools are regarded as a route to a safe and good education. Meanwhile a local Catholic Comprehensive, is suspending teachers who ask to be treated decently by the management team which has caused a strike of about 40% of the staff, with rowdy scenes outside the school and even Police intervention. Not a pretty scene, for my spouse each day as she attempts to get into her work, directly opposite the school through crowds of demonstrating teachers, who are now banned from being directly outside the school gates.


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