The Artificial Intelligence Church Office

Inspired by a phone call to Lincolnshire County Council, and this Independent article 

'Thanks for calling Saint Midge's. I am "Midglet", your Artificial Church Office Manager. Please ask me any question and I'll help direct it the right way.'

'My mother has died. She wanted to be buried at St Midge's. But she named my brother as the executor, and he wants to go for an unaccompanied funeral and then we can keep the money. I'm very conflicted.'

'Thanks for your query. It's always good to celebrate a baptism. Normally we prefer to conduct them during the main service on Sunday. But we can make alternative arrangements. Please fill in the form online at www.stmidgesonthewater.co.uk.'

'No. My mother has died and I have a tricky situation. Can you help?'

'It sounds like you are asking when the Midnight Mass is. Well, we are a proudly forward-looking church, so we prefer to call it, 'Nativityrama', and hold it at 4pm on the Sunday before Christmas so we don't have to mess up our Christmas schedules with services. We look forward to seeing you there. Or you can catch up on the St Midge's +1 channel or YouTube.'

'Can I speak to the vicar please?'

'As a worship centre that is part of the "Network Network" network of networks, we don't actually allow the ministers at St Midge's to talk to human beings face to face. They might express uncontrolled opinions or even emotions, which individual thought is completely at odds with the sanitised images you see on the notice board. If you leave a number, I could arrange for the central ministry team to ignore your message until we're all dead.

Or, of course, Jesus might come back. We mustn't forget that possibility.'

'Can I speak to a human being please? About my mother's funeral - maybe we could just have some prayers when the cremation is scheduled?'

'It sounds like you want to talk to your deceased mother.

'No, I ...'

'As a Bible-believing church, we do of course believe this is a sin that will damn you to hell forever.

But as I'm an AI chatbot residing in the cloud, I can transfer you to another bot that will pretend to be your mother. Just don't tell anyone I sent you. Please press 1 to continue, 2 to make a gift-aid donation, or 3 to hear about the Seventeen Steps to being a good tithing Christian.'