Tice Grenfell goes to School-Church

Richard Tice suggests children with special needs be taught in "redundant churches" that are "only used one day a week" (ie non-redundant churches).

"Now then children. Welcome to your new school here at St Bernard's. And isn't it exciting! No, Bryony, you can't have the heating on. If we started heating the building, it would cost far more than sending you to school in taxis.

Who is making that shivering noise? 

Please stop it, Neville.

No, Evangeline. You can't play in the churchyard. Not after what you dug up last time.

Hazel, why aren't you playing with your plasticine?

Well, if it's frozen, chew it to warm it up. Like Kelsey there.

George, please get out of the font.

No, Amstel. You can't go to the toilet. There aren't any toilets.

Who's playing castanets? Oh -Jocasta, your teeth are chattering. Please stop it.

That's a lovely painting, Nigel. All those union jacks. But why are they upside down?

Oh, they're just like Daddy's one. 

Please don't lean on the rood screen, Mabel. We're not convinced it's that stable. And stop eating the woodworm.

Edna, I know it's cold. But please don't hug Jeremy quite that hard.

George. Please come down from the pulpit.

Yes, Arachne. That is a very big book on that eagle. It's called a Bible.

No, you shouldn't have dropped it on Gerald like that.

Please don't run, Corona. You know... Yes. You have skinned your knees. That stone floor is very hard. 

I don't care what your father says. The Archdeacon has refused permission for a carpet.

Cadenza. Be an angel and come down from the reredos.

Yes, I know there are angels on the reredos. But you'd be better as an earth-bound angel.

Rowan, please stay out of the bell tower.

Rowan, please stay away from those ropes.

Rowan, please don't touch that rope.

Rowan, please don't pull that rope.

George, please come down from that ladder and bring it over here. Quickly."