The Pipers at the Interference Patterns of Dawn

The New Scientist asks the question on every hippy's lips: "Did other-worldly music inspire Stonehenge?"

I'm gonna take a punt on this one and go with "no". The idea that some Beaker People noticed interference patterns between two flautists playing the same note, and thought "we must mark this magical phenomenon. Let's run up the Marlborough Downs and drag all the sarsens down - and put a 50-ton stone wherever we find a dead spot. That's got to be easier than marking it out with paint." Did they do this?

Not an interference pattern

No. The answer's no. Just another in a long line of explanations for Stonehenge that don't hold water (unlike the uneven surface of the Altar Stone, which does. Although it's not an altar - it used to stand upright).

The interference pattern from two flautists would be symmetrical. Stonehenge's sarsen horseshoe is aligned on an axis, and vaguely symmetrical in one plane not two. There's no explanation for the bluestones' arrangements - a horseshoe and a circle, as well. There's no explanation for why the bluestones were being moved around - or why they went all the way to Prescelli to get them (yes, I know that there's a glacier theory, but they'd still have to move them, unless they happened to land in a circle and a horseshoe). It doesn't explain the Station Stones. It doesn't explain the Cursus, or Woodhenge or Durrington Walls or the Avenue or the solar alignment. Or the wombles. OK, I made up the wombles.

I notice that Steven Walker is an "archaeoacoustician". Now there's a creatively-named science if ever I heard one. No wonder he's independent. I'm going to give this 3.2 Goves on the plausibility scale. Which is just behind the aliens in likelihood, but ahead of the wombles.

Here's the only commentary on the sounds of Stonehenge I'd recommend:

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"What monstrous place is this?" said Angel.

"It hums," said she. "Hearken!"

He listened. The wind, playing upon the edifice, produced a booming tune, like the note of some gigantic one-stringed harp. No other sound came from it, and lifting his hand and advancing a step or two, Clare felt the vertical surface of the structure. It seemed to be of solid stone, without joint or moulding. Carrying his fingers onward he found that what he had come in contact with was a colossal rectangular pillar; by stretching out his left hand he could feel a similar one adjoining. At an indefinite height overhead something made the black sky blacker, which had the semblance of a vast architrave uniting the pillars horizontally. They carefully entered beneath and between; the surfaces echoed their soft rustle; but they seemed to be still out of doors. The place was roofless. Tess drew her breath fearfully, and Angel, perplexed, said—

"What can it be?"

Feeling sideways they encountered another tower-like pillar, square and uncompromising as the first; beyond it another and another. The place was all doors and pillars, some connected above by continuous architraves.

"A very Temple of the Winds," he said.

The next pillar was isolated; others composed a trilithon; others were prostrate, their flanks forming a causeway wide enough for a carriage; and it was soon obvious that they made up a forest of monoliths grouped upon the grassy expanse of the plain. The couple advanced further into this pavilion of the night till they stood in its midst.

"It is Stonehenge!" said Clare.

"The heathen temple, you mean?"

"Yes. Older than the centuries; older than the d'Urbervilles!"

Professor Pillinger does it Again

A nice little article on the Wilsford-cum-Lake meteorite.

I was intrigued by Professor Pillinger's comments that "along came some druids, scavenging on Salisbury Plain for strange or interesting stones, and it was picked up and used in a chalk mound..." Just like the ones that druids famously didn't build. With no evidence that druids ever collected stones. Because the (remarkably limited) information we actually have on druids says they worshipped in woods, not with mounds, not with stones.

Unless, of course, they were Beaker druids?

I would say that it proves scientists shouldn't wander into other people's fields. Except of course that we know Prof Pillinger's last great success was putting a barbecue on Mars and leaving Beagle II in the garage. And Dickie Dawkins doesn't know the name of that book. Maybe scientists shouldn't even wander into their own fields? Or at least, only proper scientists like particle physicists and chemists should be allowed to wander into any fields.

Hysterical Re-enactment (3)

Now the riots have calmed down, the Telegraph notes that all the excitement is now going on in former colonies - our own and Italy's - and settles down to the more normal summer-time activity of reporting on exam results and silly-season stories.

Oddly enough it was an article on a man demanding the right to trial by combat on human rights grounds that led me on to a headline that only needs a three-word response.

The headline is "King Arthur's round table may have been found by archaeologists in Scotland."

And the response is "No it hasn't."

Buried Wonders of Space-Time Team

I'm pitching this idea to the TV companies. It's gonna be quite expensive, but it would be worth it. It's a combination of two current documentaries - The Bible's Buried Secrets and Wonders of the Universe - and that old favourite, Ground Force. I reckon Dr Stavrakopoulou could take the Charlie Dimmock role over, while the slightly-camp narrator job could go to Brian Cox. Then Tommy Walsh could carry on digging stuff up and burying stuff, while Dr Stavrakopoulou leans suggestively over the sunken water feature and Brian Cox stands on the highest point in the decking, pointing to exciting features in the evening sky.

Silly Brass Band Music

Prof Brian Cox	Fantastic! So we've just three days to create the Andromeda Spiral in Mr and Mrs Sagan's garden in Dorking! And what have you got there, Francesca?
Dr  Stavrakopoulou	Well, Brian, I've designed a flower bed containing Aaron's Beard, Lily of Sharon and some of that notorious weed, Jacob's Ladder. And I'm going to prove that none of them really exist.
Rt Revd Tommy Walsh	And I've brought in a small JCB, to help with the sheer amount of mass we've got to move here...
Prof Brian Cox	.... a million, million, million, million, million stars.....
Rt Revd Tommy Walsh	I'm going to need a bigger digger.
Dr  Stavrakopoulou	I'm going to wear this different outfit, but still use some long words - because I am a proper academic...
Prof Brian Cox	And I'm going to stand over there - just where the sun's setting behind that fantastic, marvellous, wonderful sweet chestnut...
Rt Revd Tommy Walsh	... which I'm going to cut down to make way for the water feature. Before I put some decking around Messier 42.
Principal Alan Titchmarsh	Oooh! It's all getting Messier and Messier!
Rt Revd Tommy Walsh	Clear off Alan. You're not pretty enough and you're not a proper academic.
Dr  Stavrakopoulou	I'm going to stand over by that water feature. Partly to show you our special-effects recreation of the Parting of the Red Sea - which didn't really happen...
Prof Brian Cox	...and partly because we've actually managed to put a Black Hole into it. Which was the only way we could fit in the appropriately-named Crab Nebula. By crushing it into the black hole, we've made the Crab Nebula denser than a million, million, million, million, million.... [collapses, hyperventilating]
Rt Revd Tommy Walsh	Typical. So it's just down to the traditional, salt-of-the-earth Cockernee, with his traditional spade, to move the entire Crab Nebula into the Water Feature. I'm gonna need a bigger wheelbarrow.
Tony Robinson	So now we're going to go and see what Francesca has found in Trench Number 2.
Dr  Stavrakopoulou	Trench? You think I'm going to be digging with these fingernails? That would turn the whole point of this documentary upside-down.
Tommy Walsh	Come on, Phil. Looks like it's me and you again. You dig up the old warrior who died of the Black Death, and I'll put in the crazy paving.
Dr  Stavrakopoulou	So having created the Andromeda Spiral in Mr and Mrs Sagan's garden, we've proved that the book of Genesis Chapter 1 - believed by every Christian that ever lived to be a chronologically-accurate description of Creation - is simply not true.
Rt Revd Tommy Walsh	And we've finished in the nick of time. Here come Mr and Mrs Sagan - just as their house is pulled into the singularity caused by putting the Crab Nebula into a black hole.

Silly Brass Band Music - Prof Cox balances on the trellis, watching the Sun explode in silhouette. Meanwhile Dr Stavrakopoulou smiles winningly in a bikini in the water feature. Tommy Walsh shrugs, and walks off with his spade.

The Idolatrous Hebrews - a Dangerous Secret

I've been doing some serious archaeological research, and I've uncovered some secrets. Things that the Church and orthodox Judaism have laboured to keep a secret for centuries.

I've been investigating some ancient writings that reveal that, far from being the monotheists they have always been claimed, the ancient people of Israel and Judea worshipped other gods. Gods such as Molech, Baal, a Golden Calf, and Asherah. Asherah, of course, was a female goddess famous for her poles. There is no evidence that the priestesses of Asherah did not use these poles for sexy dances.

These secrets have been buried for 3,000 years - until I discovered them hidden in a secret document called "The Holy Bible". The sections of this book that reveal these explosive facts, suppressed by the Roman Catholic Church and the Knights Templar since the time of the early Church, include "1 & 2 Chronicles", "1 & 2 Kings" and "The Prophets". A story regarding a man called Elijah, who fought semi-successfully to supplant the religion of a god called "Baal", is particularly unknown. These secrets will rock the Vatican to the core, and hopefully make me the Nigella of Theology.

Elijah - the man whose battle with the Prophets of Baal has been kept a secret

Now I've got to leave off. Young Keith has asked me why I keep tilting my head to one side and looking interested in what he has to say. He says I'm scaring him. However tomorrow I'm planning to look into God's wife, God's in-laws (a scary pair), God's rather feeble younger brother, God's auntie and God's best mate Nigel, who used to have a Ford Capri back in the 1980s. It's gonna be dynamite.