Tuesday 22 March 2011

The Idolatrous Hebrews - a Dangerous Secret

I've been doing some serious archaeological research, and I've uncovered some secrets. Things that the Church and orthodox Judaism have laboured to keep a secret for centuries.

I've been investigating some ancient writings that reveal that, far from being the monotheists they have always been claimed, the ancient people of Israel and Judea worshipped other gods. Gods such as Molech, Baal, a Golden Calf, and Asherah. Asherah, of course, was a female goddess famous for her poles. There is no evidence that the priestesses of Asherah did not use these poles for sexy dances.

These secrets have been buried for 3,000 years - until I discovered them hidden in a secret document called "The Holy Bible". The sections of this book that reveal these explosive facts, suppressed by the Roman Catholic Church and the Knights Templar since the time of the early Church, include "1 & 2 Chronicles", "1 & 2 Kings" and "The Prophets". A story regarding a man called Elijah, who fought semi-successfully to supplant the religion of a god called "Baal", is particularly unknown. These secrets will rock the Vatican to the core, and hopefully make me the Nigella of Theology.
Elijah - the man whose battle with the Prophets of Baal has been kept a secret

Now I've got to leave off. Young Keith has asked me why I keep tilting my head to one side and looking interested in what he has to say. He says I'm scaring him. However tomorrow I'm planning to look into God's wife, God's in-laws (a scary pair), God's rather feeble younger brother, God's auntie and God's best mate Nigel, who used to have a Ford Capri back in the 1980s. It's gonna be dynamite.


  1. I am shocked by your analysis. I found the secret swap of two Hebrew characters so convincing.

    What did upset me, though, was that monotheism had reached Israel by the times of Jesus which probably means that God had divorced his wife by then and that there is no new mystery surrounding the question of Jesus' mother.

  2. No, but there is a mystery as to why we tolerate a divorced God. It's sinful, innit? That's just the last straw; I'm off to the High Place to make offerings to Lord Baal, the only true God.

  3. I think I met Nigel once. He certainly thought he was God's best mate.


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