Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Buried Wonders of Space-Time Team

I'm pitching this idea to the TV companies. It's gonna be quite expensive, but it would be worth it. It's a combination of two current documentaries - The Bible's Buried Secrets and Wonders of the Universe - and that old favourite, Ground Force. I reckon Dr Stavrakopoulou could take the Charlie Dimmock role over, while the slightly-camp narrator job could go to Brian Cox. Then Tommy Walsh could carry on digging stuff up and burying stuff, while Dr Stavrakopoulou leans suggestively over the sunken water feature and Brian Cox stands on the highest point in the decking, pointing to exciting features in the evening sky.

Silly Brass Band Music

Prof Brian Cox  Fantastic! So we've just three days to create the Andromeda Spiral in Mr and Mrs Sagan's garden in Dorking! And what have you got there, Francesca?
Dr  StavrakopoulouWell, Brian, I've designed a flower bed containing Aaron's Beard, Lily of Sharon and some of that notorious weed, Jacob's Ladder. And I'm going to prove that none of them really exist.
Rt Revd Tommy WalshAnd I've brought in a small JCB, to help with the sheer amount of mass we've got to move here... 
Prof Brian Cox.... a million, million, million, million, million stars..... 
Rt Revd Tommy WalshI'm going to need a bigger digger.
Dr  StavrakopoulouI'm going to wear this different outfit, but still use some long words - because I am a proper academic... 
Prof Brian CoxAnd I'm going to stand over there - just where the sun's setting behind that fantastic, marvellous, wonderful sweet chestnut... 
Rt Revd Tommy Walsh... which I'm going to cut down to make way for the water feature. Before I put some decking around Messier 42.
Principal Alan TitchmarshOooh! It's all getting Messier and Messier!
Rt Revd Tommy WalshClear off Alan. You're not pretty enough and you're not a proper academic.
Dr  StavrakopoulouI'm going to stand over by that water feature. Partly to show you our special-effects recreation of the Parting of the Red Sea - which didn't really happen...
Prof Brian Cox...and partly because we've actually managed to put a Black Hole into it. Which was the only way we could fit in the appropriately-named Crab Nebula. By crushing it into the black hole, we've made the Crab Nebula denser than a million, million, million, million, million.... [collapses, hyperventilating]
Rt Revd Tommy WalshTypical. So it's just down to the traditional, salt-of-the-earth Cockernee, with his traditional spade, to move the entire Crab Nebula into the Water Feature. I'm gonna need a bigger wheelbarrow.
Tony RobinsonSo now we're going to go and see what Francesca has found in Trench Number 2.
Dr  StavrakopoulouTrench? You think I'm going to be digging with these fingernails? That would turn the whole point of this documentary upside-down.
Tommy WalshCome on, Phil. Looks like it's me and you again. You dig up the old warrior who died of the Black Death, and I'll put in the crazy paving.
Dr  StavrakopoulouSo having created the Andromeda Spiral in Mr and Mrs Sagan's garden, we've proved that the book of Genesis Chapter 1 - believed by every Christian that ever lived to be a chronologically-accurate description of Creation - is simply not true.
Rt Revd Tommy WalshAnd we've finished in the nick of time. Here come Mr and Mrs Sagan - just as their house is pulled into the singularity caused by putting the Crab Nebula into a black hole.

Silly Brass Band Music - Prof Cox balances on the trellis, watching the Sun explode in silhouette. Meanwhile Dr Stavrakopoulou smiles winningly in a bikini in the water feature. Tommy Walsh shrugs, and walks off with his spade.


  1. I am disappointed, Archdruid. Where is Tony Robinson and the TimeTeam in all this?

    And - not being able to watch any of these programmes (damn DRM, damn!) - what exactly is suggestive about Stavrakopoulou leaning over the sunken water feature, or rather: what is it suggestive of?

    Mystified-and-miffed yet not from Tunbridge Wells,

  2. That's more like it! And I get the suggestiveness at last.

    Though... I was hoping for some 'geophys' involvement. Time Team wouldn't be anything without geophys. But... at least Tony is in it. Many thanks. I am sure it will be a success when you send it to the BBC. Not that I will get to see it. Humph.


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