O'Vienna Syndrome is a debilitating illness, causing its sufferers to express themselves in the lyrics of the New Romantic Movement. It can strike at any time. But this evening it struck while I was writing tomorrow's sermon.
Worse, I fear that I now have Gilbert O'Sullivan Syndrome, where you even quote from the 1970s. Eventually, Brethren, I had to cut the sermon short before too much of the 1980s' immorality and have-it-all attitude could escape. But I reproduce the sermon here, to show how terrible O'Vienna Syndrome can be.
So we turn to the message , from dear John 3:3, that we must be born again. Time after Time I had asked God, how will I know if I have faith? My daddy was a preacher man, and I would see him on Sunday – bloody Sunday, when he was back in black. He would ask me, have you found your personal Jesus? And I would say, Papa don’t preach. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
And I remember, one blue Monday, at a Celebration. To me just one more night. But the preacher believed in the Rapture. He said, “it’s the end of the world as we know it. I can feel it in the air tonight. You gotta have Faith.” And I responded, even though I don’t like Mondays.
And Lord - you decided to lay your love on me. But I resisted – saying “I love rock ‘n’ roll. Although it is a tainted love.” But I heard you saying – “don’t you want me? I know you suffer from temptation. You say, “we’re going down the pub” – consuming two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, hitting the sherry, looking for some electricity with girls, girls, girls. Just want to have fun, don’t you?”
And it was true. I was in love with Roxanne, my best friend’s girl. A maneater. I couldn't beat it. When I saw Ben, I’d say to myself – is she really going out with him? I wanted sexual healing – even though it's a sin - but it just left me hungry like the wolf.
“My Sweet Lord, I’m addicted to love,” I said, “She drives me crazy. I wanna dance with somebody who loves me. Yet when I need you – I can’t live, with or without you.”
And he said to me, “Sweet child of mine, relax. Don’t push it. You don’t need these West End Girls. You’ve been bad. You’re in a rat trap. You’re in a fast car on the road to hell. But walk this way instead. You can live with the Spirit in the sky.”
But I was a rebel... rebel. One of the bad boys. “Who wants to live forever?” I asked. But it hit me like a sledgehammer.
I walked in the cold air. Should I accept the power of love? Or walk like an Egyptian? I knew I had to get back to life. I couldn’t fight the power.
“You spin me right round like a record,” I said. “From now on I’m living on a prayer. I was defeated – you won the war. The winner takes it all – another one bites the dust.”
So, my friends, you may be waiting for that careless whisper, but don’t you forget about me. In the Name of Love, don’t stop believing. The only way is up.
Saturday, 10 March 2012
Gone to Seed
That Drayton Parslow can get grumpy with you when he puts his mind to it.
All I did was ask him - why did Jacob and his sons even need to go into Egypt when he took all his seed with him? I thought there was meant to be a famine on?
He was left in the unfortunate position of having to translate the Scripture into modern English for me, to explain what it meant. He's not a happy bunny. That sort of stress could give you emerods, I tell you.
Friday, 9 March 2012
One Direction
I'd never realised the sheer power of One Direction before.
But David Cloake inspires me. Since mentioning One Direction on his blog (and saying "One Direction" repeatedly) he's been getting 7,000 hits a day. Which suggests maybe he should give up on vicaring and start managing a boy-band.
Oh well, as they said in my era, the Only Way is Up. I suppose that's one direction.
But David Cloake inspires me. Since mentioning One Direction on his blog (and saying "One Direction" repeatedly) he's been getting 7,000 hits a day. Which suggests maybe he should give up on vicaring and start managing a boy-band.
Oh well, as they said in my era, the Only Way is Up. I suppose that's one direction.
Paddy Power Desecrates Ancient Monument
So having a quiet flick through the website of Horse and Hound and what do I discover?
Paddy Power have decided to add an Uffington White Jockey to the Uffington White Horse.
Now we don't know what the White Horse is all about. Some say religious, some say a territorial power-symbol, intimidating other tribes. Some might say - what's the difference between those two anyway, to somebody from the Bronze Age. At least, I might say that.
And I recall how, long and merry ago now, I cycled out to Uffington from Oxford with a friend, climbed up to the top, and felt an almost physical sense of oppressive power. Although admittedly that was only because we realised how close we were to Swindon.
Paddy Power should be ashamed. They've trampled around an ancient monument which they could easily have damaged. Have they never heard of Photoshop? Let's face it, if they'd Photoshopped the Horse they could have put some more topical rider on it. Like David Cameron, with a blue flashing light on the horse and a Sun logo.
In any case, we all know there's only once that the landscape round the White Horse was added to with good reason - that celebratory, free-spirited challenge to gray authority that is "Cloudbusting". Take it away, Kate.
Paddy Power have decided to add an Uffington White Jockey to the Uffington White Horse.
Now we don't know what the White Horse is all about. Some say religious, some say a territorial power-symbol, intimidating other tribes. Some might say - what's the difference between those two anyway, to somebody from the Bronze Age. At least, I might say that.
And I recall how, long and merry ago now, I cycled out to Uffington from Oxford with a friend, climbed up to the top, and felt an almost physical sense of oppressive power. Although admittedly that was only because we realised how close we were to Swindon.
Paddy Power should be ashamed. They've trampled around an ancient monument which they could easily have damaged. Have they never heard of Photoshop? Let's face it, if they'd Photoshopped the Horse they could have put some more topical rider on it. Like David Cameron, with a blue flashing light on the horse and a Sun logo.
In any case, we all know there's only once that the landscape round the White Horse was added to with good reason - that celebratory, free-spirited challenge to gray authority that is "Cloudbusting". Take it away, Kate.
The Folk in the Gallery
Bad news on the part of the last Prelapsarian Baptist Chapel in the country, I hear. My friend Minnie, who split from the Extremely Primitive Methodists in their last schism, was the last person to join the "Prelaps", and she told me the news.
Minnie was always in a slightly strange status with regard to her friends in Boaz Chapel. Inasmuch as everybody else in the chapel had all grown up in the Sunday School together. And in the 1930s the tradition was that the children at Boaz, when they were in the main service (because Sunday School was before the main service, during the time that the adults were in the "Wailing and Gnashing Meeting") used to sit in what I would want to call the West Gallery - i.e. they were in the balcony at the back of the chapel, facing the preacher at eye-level because the pulpit was so enormous.
Now when they all grew a bit bigger, they became the Young People's Fellowship. This was in the days when fewer people had children, and people were drifting away. But the Young People's Fellowship remained faithful, and continued to sit in the balcony. Their own children started coming to church, but by those days Sunday School was now at the same time as the main service, so there was no need for the former Young People's Fellowship to vacate their balcony.
Eventually everybody that sat downstairs had died or moved away, leaving the Young People's Fellowship upstairs. When Minnie arrived she was politely informed that she must sit downstairs as she was not a member of the Young People's Fellowship - and, clearly, she was too old to join.
A month or so ago the bad news came through. The balcony is structurally unsound. Not so bad that it's going to fall down, as long as it's not got twelve members of the Young People's Fellowship sitting in it.
Boaz doesn't have the funds to repair the chapel. But there's plenty of room for the Young People's Fellowship to sit downstairs. So clearly, there's only one thing to do.
They're closing the chapel.
Thursday, 8 March 2012
The Previous Pastor Comparison Form
An interesting diversion for me today. My former chapel of Frisby-on-Soar, Leicestershire, has sent me their Previous Pastor Comparison Form. My erstwhile followers from my previous career may recall that Frisby was the village within which I trampled the grain in my previous post, until they gnashed their teeth at me and the idle mockers mocked when I inadvertently confused the breed of hart common in ancient Israel.
I realise I should explain. When I had been at Frisby for just six short weeks, they presented me with the Previous Pastor Comparison Form. At the time I did not mention it. I will be honest, brothers and sisters (suitably screened by a legitimate and godly male companion from the revelation that is about to come). It hurt my pride. I was shocked by the form, and also by the comparison it made with my predecessor,Revd Syston Whyte-Plumb.
When I received this form I was quite shocked. Partly because of my low scores compared to Revd Syston Whyte-Plumb (whose cheerfulness was only caused by his lack of temperance, in my own non-judgemental opinion). Partly because his wife's scores were surprising when he was not actually married - not that I would like to suggest he had a tendency towards abomination, but he was very definitely a bachelor of the parish. But mostly because I was shocked that a congregation could even compare pastors in this way.
I realise I should explain. When I had been at Frisby for just six short weeks, they presented me with the Previous Pastor Comparison Form. At the time I did not mention it. I will be honest, brothers and sisters (suitably screened by a legitimate and godly male companion from the revelation that is about to come). It hurt my pride. I was shocked by the form, and also by the comparison it made with my predecessor,Revd Syston Whyte-Plumb.
| Category | Revd Syston Whyte-Plumb | Revd Drayton Parslow |
Godliness | 8 | 6 |
Temperance | 9 | 3 |
Cheerfulness | 10 | 2 |
Biblical Faithfulness | 9 | 4 |
Punctuality | 9 | 3 |
Work with Children | 10 | 1 |
Pastoral commitment | 9 | 4 |
Preaching | 10 | 2 |
Wife's Dress sense | 9 | 4 |
Chairing meetings | 7 | 2 |
Prophetic Talents | 9 | 2 |
Inspiration and Discernment | 10 | 3 |
Quality of Wife's Teas | 9 | 1 |
Cleanliness of Manse | 8 | 3 |
Wife's leadership of Women's Group | 10 | 3 |
Approachability | 8 | 2 |
Leadership | 8 | 3 |
Attractiveness of Wife | 8 | 2 |
Overall | 8 | 3 |
So, as I say, today I was surprised to receive the following scorecard "for my information", as the elders of Frisby put it.
| Category | Revd Drayton Parslow | Revd Barkby Thorpe |
Godliness | 9 | 5 |
Temperance | 10 | 4 |
Cheerfulness | 9 | 3 |
Biblical Faithfulness | 9 | 1 |
Punctuality | 10 | 2 |
Work with Children | 8 | 2 |
Pastoral commitment | 8 | 2 |
Preaching | 10 | 3 |
Wife's Dress sense | 10 | 3 |
Chairing meetings | 9 | 1 |
Prophetic Talents | 8 | 3 |
Inspiration and Discernment | 9 | 1 |
Quality of Wife's Teas | 8 | 2 |
Cleanliness of Manse | 9 | 2 |
Wife's leadership of Women's Group | 8 | 2 |
Approachability | 9 | 1 |
Leadership | 10 | 4 |
Attractiveness of Wife | 7 | 3 |
Overall | 8 | 3 |
Obviously, I am pleased to see that I have scored better overall - perhaps I improved in my last six weeks in Frisby. And I have yet to meet the Revd Barkby Thorpe. And it is wrong of me to judge, of course. But it strikes me that he must be an appalling and ungodly shambles.
Situation Vacant
I sometimes think that predictive text and spell-checkers should be made illegal.
I've been feeling the pressure of producing these occasional missives from our little community. And I thought maybe it was time to get in a little help. I figured if we had a Community Satirist I could come up with the germ or, if you will, nugget of the posting. And the Satirist could then fill in the fine detail - plot, characterisation, jokes, research.
So I asked Kirby Muxloe, our Administrative Assistant, to write up the job ad for the "Mistletoe Bough" and the "Stukeley Advertiser and Avebury Chronicle". And, having the busy life of a working Archdruid, I left it to her to carry out the pre-screening of the CVs for me.
There's currently 12 sitarists sitting in the corridor awaiting the Selection Day. The noise is deafening, and not terribly tuneful - as you'd expect from a dozen out-of-work players of ethnic instruments.
It just goes to show. If you want something doing right, don't get a Beaker Person to do it.
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Minutes of the Annual General Mooting
1. Minutes of the last Annual General Mooting were agreed to be a fair representation of last year's meeting. Although nobody could really remember much about it, particularly after the fight broke out.
2. Matters arising - Nobody had carried out any of the actions from last year. Everybody meant to have got round to doing their actions, but you know how it is. They were busy, and then Harold Camping forecast the end of the world. Twice. So there didn't see any point in starting anything before November. And then it was Christmas, and it hardly seemed time to start anything up before the AGM.
3. Archdruid's Report - Eileen thanked Hnaef, Daphne, and Young Keith for their support, and expressed her loathing of Burton Dasset. She said it had been a very hard year, spiritually and financially. But she had high hopes that the daily pouring-out and filling-up of beakers continues, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, Consider Yourself Our Mate. Sorry, her attention wandered there, but she didn't suppose anyone was still listening anyway. Onwards and Upwards!
4. Treasurer's Report - Burton Dasset reported that official income was 45p last year. It was probably more than that in reality, but all the electronic records are missing, believed hacked. It is a fundamental rule of the Beaker Folk that Druidic Expenses are reported every year. However this year all the receipts have been eaten by a mutant sentient star-cheese. Having failed to report on the Druidic Expenses yet again, Burton received his annual sacking.
5. Election of New Treasurer - Eileen paid an eloquent tribute to the outgoing Treasurer's superb combination of a financial qualification with extreme gullibility, and proposed that Burton be elected as the new Treasurer. Proposal carried Nem ausus con.
6. Light Bulb Report - Ardwulf, our Light Bulb Committee Chair, reported that blown light bulbs have been down by 7% since Eileen started cutting the electric off every night at 9.30. Eileen said that this was a great environmental achievement, and was also preserving the mountain of 100W incandescent bulbs that she picked up cheap before their sale was banned. Ardwulf reported that the bulb in the downstairs male toilet has been needing replacement for 6 months, while the Light Bulb Committee have discussed whether it should be a 40W or 60W. Since the committee couldn't decide, he wondered if the Mooting could rule on the matter. Eileen pointed out that under para 642 sub-section 4a, it was the Lightbulb Committee's job to decide where bulbs should be replaced, and which power should be appropriate. She told Ardwul that the Committee would have to knuckle down at their May meeting, and try to get a resolution with Capital Expenditure request and justification to the June Budget Committee, to be approved at the July Moot. She suggested that Ardwulf get a bit of a move on, as by the time of the July Moot the nights will be drawing in, and it will soon be Christmas.
7. Mission and Outreach - We all felt a bit shy this year.
8. Social Activities - With 45 Bingo Nights, 61 Quizzes, 12 Ceilidhs, 31 Pizza Nights, the weekly Druidic Zumba, the three-monthly Revue and the weekly shopping trips to Milton Keynes, Bedford, London and Peterborough, we've not been as busy socially in previous years. Eileen suggested that we could use the spare time that's been created to spend more time in prayer. Everyone looked at her "gone out", and indoor football has now been introduced to mop up some of the spare time - at least for the physically active.
9. Children's Work - Eileen said they weren't trying hard enough. The under-12s "play" shoe factory, in particular, was well below production targets. It was pointed out that "Children's work" really meant work with children. Eileen said Charlii was still dressing up as Shelly the Friendly Chicken - what more could be wanted?
10. Election of the new Moot - Eileen pointed out that the maximum size of the monthly Moot is set at 10. With the Archdruid, Executive Arch-Assistant Druid (Hnaef), Arch-Assistant Executive Druid (Daphne Hnaef), Trainee Druid (Charlii), Chief Scientist (Young Keith), Treasurer (Burton), Children's Rep (Charlii), Fundraising Committee Chair (Burton), Outreach Administrator (Hnaef) and Disciplinary Officer (Hnaef), all ten places are occupied by ex officio committee members. It's a bit rough, remarked Eileen, but that's democracy.
11. Any Other Business - Chalybert asked why Eileen's preaching isn't as dynamic as her predecessors, her pastoral visiting less diligent and her vision less visionary. Eileen pointed out that this was because, she being the founder of the Beaker Folk, her predecessor is a figment of the imagination and as such wonderful. Indeed, reflected Eileen, one has to wonder if the virtues of all previous leaders of churches are also figments of the imagination.
12. Closing prayers - The meeting finished with holding-hands-in-a-circle-and-saying-a-blessing-while-looking-at-everyone-else. Except for Marston who's not running away from that part of his personality, but it does make him feel a bit uncomfortable.
2. Matters arising - Nobody had carried out any of the actions from last year. Everybody meant to have got round to doing their actions, but you know how it is. They were busy, and then Harold Camping forecast the end of the world. Twice. So there didn't see any point in starting anything before November. And then it was Christmas, and it hardly seemed time to start anything up before the AGM.
3. Archdruid's Report - Eileen thanked Hnaef, Daphne, and Young Keith for their support, and expressed her loathing of Burton Dasset. She said it had been a very hard year, spiritually and financially. But she had high hopes that the daily pouring-out and filling-up of beakers continues, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, Consider Yourself Our Mate. Sorry, her attention wandered there, but she didn't suppose anyone was still listening anyway. Onwards and Upwards!
4. Treasurer's Report - Burton Dasset reported that official income was 45p last year. It was probably more than that in reality, but all the electronic records are missing, believed hacked. It is a fundamental rule of the Beaker Folk that Druidic Expenses are reported every year. However this year all the receipts have been eaten by a mutant sentient star-cheese. Having failed to report on the Druidic Expenses yet again, Burton received his annual sacking.
5. Election of New Treasurer - Eileen paid an eloquent tribute to the outgoing Treasurer's superb combination of a financial qualification with extreme gullibility, and proposed that Burton be elected as the new Treasurer. Proposal carried Nem ausus con.
6. Light Bulb Report - Ardwulf, our Light Bulb Committee Chair, reported that blown light bulbs have been down by 7% since Eileen started cutting the electric off every night at 9.30. Eileen said that this was a great environmental achievement, and was also preserving the mountain of 100W incandescent bulbs that she picked up cheap before their sale was banned. Ardwulf reported that the bulb in the downstairs male toilet has been needing replacement for 6 months, while the Light Bulb Committee have discussed whether it should be a 40W or 60W. Since the committee couldn't decide, he wondered if the Mooting could rule on the matter. Eileen pointed out that under para 642 sub-section 4a, it was the Lightbulb Committee's job to decide where bulbs should be replaced, and which power should be appropriate. She told Ardwul that the Committee would have to knuckle down at their May meeting, and try to get a resolution with Capital Expenditure request and justification to the June Budget Committee, to be approved at the July Moot. She suggested that Ardwulf get a bit of a move on, as by the time of the July Moot the nights will be drawing in, and it will soon be Christmas.
7. Mission and Outreach - We all felt a bit shy this year.
8. Social Activities - With 45 Bingo Nights, 61 Quizzes, 12 Ceilidhs, 31 Pizza Nights, the weekly Druidic Zumba, the three-monthly Revue and the weekly shopping trips to Milton Keynes, Bedford, London and Peterborough, we've not been as busy socially in previous years. Eileen suggested that we could use the spare time that's been created to spend more time in prayer. Everyone looked at her "gone out", and indoor football has now been introduced to mop up some of the spare time - at least for the physically active.
9. Children's Work - Eileen said they weren't trying hard enough. The under-12s "play" shoe factory, in particular, was well below production targets. It was pointed out that "Children's work" really meant work with children. Eileen said Charlii was still dressing up as Shelly the Friendly Chicken - what more could be wanted?
10. Election of the new Moot - Eileen pointed out that the maximum size of the monthly Moot is set at 10. With the Archdruid, Executive Arch-Assistant Druid (Hnaef), Arch-Assistant Executive Druid (Daphne Hnaef), Trainee Druid (Charlii), Chief Scientist (Young Keith), Treasurer (Burton), Children's Rep (Charlii), Fundraising Committee Chair (Burton), Outreach Administrator (Hnaef) and Disciplinary Officer (Hnaef), all ten places are occupied by ex officio committee members. It's a bit rough, remarked Eileen, but that's democracy.
11. Any Other Business - Chalybert asked why Eileen's preaching isn't as dynamic as her predecessors, her pastoral visiting less diligent and her vision less visionary. Eileen pointed out that this was because, she being the founder of the Beaker Folk, her predecessor is a figment of the imagination and as such wonderful. Indeed, reflected Eileen, one has to wonder if the virtues of all previous leaders of churches are also figments of the imagination.
12. Closing prayers - The meeting finished with holding-hands-in-a-circle-and-saying-a-blessing-while-looking-at-everyone-else. Except for Marston who's not running away from that part of his personality, but it does make him feel a bit uncomfortable.
Just to Say...
... Stroppy Rabbit is blogging a whole lot of interesting, thoughtful stuff at the mo.
Well worth a look. And if you're a good, old-fashioned, Trinitarian Christian like me, it's good to see things from a different viewpoint occasionally.
Well worth a look. And if you're a good, old-fashioned, Trinitarian Christian like me, it's good to see things from a different viewpoint occasionally.
Ss Perpetua and Felicity
Martyred for their Christian conversion.
Witnesses that the power of an idea can terrify the earthly rulers - that a heavenly allegiance can trump an earthly one.
You can talk about their civilisation all you like. And I know they gave us roads, law and order and vineyards. But when you think about it that just means we also got lawyers, road rage and headaches. They were a shoddy lot, the Romans.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
5-stage dictator removal
A programme about Libya on the telly reminds me of my post a year ago where I remarked that Col Gaddafi was transitioning between Dictator Stage 2 and 3. The Syrian dictator, Bashar al-Assad, is currently hovering between those two stages himself - sometimes offering concessions, sometimes crushing revolt by killing innocent people.
I can only advise him (he is a keen follower of this blog, but likes to lurk rather than comment) to remember that I was right last time. And I'll probably be right again. The only question really to be settled is whether what comes after him will be better or worse.
Ἐποίησεν κράτος ἐν βραχίονι αὐτοῦ, διεσκόρπισεν ὑπερηφάνους διανοίᾳ καρδίας αὐτῶν· καθεῖλεν δυνάστας ἀπὸ θρόνων καὶ ὕψωσεν ταπεινούς, πεινῶντας ἐνέπλησεν ἀγαθῶν καὶ πλουτοῦντας ἐξαπέστειλεν κενούς.
I can only advise him (he is a keen follower of this blog, but likes to lurk rather than comment) to remember that I was right last time. And I'll probably be right again. The only question really to be settled is whether what comes after him will be better or worse.
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