The Milton Keynes Statement

Article 1:

WE AFFIRM that marriage is a lifelong, procreative relationship between a man and a woman. And if the man should quietly nip off for a different, temporary relationship with another woman (or indeed man) we will try and keep that quiet.

WE DENY that God has designed marriage to be a homosexual or polygamous relationship. Obviously all that stuff with David and Solomon having lots of wives was a bit of a mistake. And Abraham and Jacob sleeping with the servant girls. Though God never told them off for it. Yet the Biblical record is absolutely clear. OK it's not. Still, gays - eh?

Article 2:

WE AFFIRM that adutery is wrong.

WE ALSO AFFIRM that any white, male, evangelical leader being caught in adultery can confess and then, once it's all blown over, get on with being a white, male, evangelical leader again.

Article 3:

WE AFFIRM that God created man and women equal.

ALTHOUGH OBVIOUSLY man is a lot more equal. Headship. You know.

Article 4:

WE AFFIRM that God has made man and woman differently.

WE DENY this means one is more important than the other.  Why aren't you in the kitchen?

Article 5:

WE AFFIRM that human bodies fit into one of two categories. Or nearly.

WE DENY that science will have any impact on our thinking.

Article 6:

WE AFFIRM there are some people who aren't made like us.

WE DENY they should be treated as if they are normal.

Article 7:

He who cites John Piper calls the tune.

Paul Burrell "Still Needs to Eat"

The world was shocked to discover, on the 20th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana, that her former servant Paul Burrell still needs to eat.

"I was started to run out of press income," said Burrell, "what with it being a long time since the clearly non-suspicious death of Princess Diana - the one we think of as the "Princess of Hearts" and in my case "the Mother of all Gravy Trains."

"And I had run out of things to claim that Diana had told to me, but nobody else. But imagine my joy - I mean sadness - when I realised I had another chance to cash in with a load of drivel I'd get printed in the Mail. And guess what - it's only five years till the 25th anniversary! Surely I can get something out of the Express?"

Paul Burrell then looked a bit sad, but well-fed.

Birth of Mary Shelley

Thanks to Hnaef for agreeing to deliver this year's Mary Shelley Memorial Lecture.

Every year we consider the "Frankenstein Effect" at work - someone who is turned against by their creation.

And so Hnaef will be asking the question, "What is Brexit doing for David Davies's career?"

Children's Songs for an Angry God

Inspired by encounters with an angry Catholic and a member of the Westboro Baptist Church. People whose conception of the divine consists of God being really angry with everybody.

Ironically as well as believing that I am going to hell, each of this pair believe the other is going to hell, in effect for picking the wrong side. Which makes me the only one with an optimistic religion, as I believe in divine compassion on all that God has made. This does not make me a universalist - I believe, with CS Lewis, that we can choose to go to Hell because we'd rather not be in the other place. Because something else is more important to us.

In the case of both the encounters I mention earlier, it is fair to say that the thing they reckon is more important than anything else is sodomy. I reckon extreme Catholics and Westboro Baptists think about sodomy more than than the people of Sodom. Sodomy - or thinking about it, at any rate - is a fair chunk of their lives. But I reckon if you're picketing the funerals of dead soldiers, and yet your major concern in life is which socket a plug should go in, you've probably got your priorities wrong.

See I'm prepared to believe God gets really angry about things. Famine, pollution, greed, thoughtlessness, hatred, rivalry, the idea that people with Downs Syndrome are less worthy of life than others. I just think what consenting people do with their bodies ain't one of them.

So anyway. Here's my Children's Songs for an Angry God. By the way, if you're only here for the Children's songs, best not read the passage above. Bit racy.


Our God is an angry God
Our God is an angry God
Our God is an angry God
And he's really rather angry.


If I were a butterfly
I'd deserve to be caught and mauled by a cat
And if I were a wiggly worm
God would hate me just for that.


This little light of mine
Won't get me into heaven
This little light of mine
Won't get me into heaven.


Burn Baby Burn (Disco Inferno)  [Is this right? AE]


Angry Father, let me be
Scared of hell and fire
Help me not to upset thee
Or to raise your ire.

The Parable of the Lost Belgian

Archdruid: Once a hundred French-speaking Belgians went on a package tour to Spain's Mediterranean coast. And it was a hot day. The sun baked down. And the tour guide noticed, as they were all sitting out on the beach, that one of the Belgians was missing.

So she went to search for him. And she left the others in the heat of the noon day sun. And after seeking in every bar, all through the afternoon, she found him and brought him back.

And when she brought him back to the beach, where she had left the others so long, what did she find?

99 red Walloons.

Give us Back Our Religious Sites

In the light of news that the Odinists of Great Britain have requested two churches from the Church of England, to make up for alleged "spiritual genocide", I am hereby demanding the return of every religious site in the United Kingdom to the Beaker Folk.

My argument is as follows: firstly, the Germans weren't "Odinists". They were "Wodenists". Quite a different thing. Secondly Beaker Folk have a sense of "deep unease" about the way in which the Angles, Saxons, Jutes, Norse and Danes took our religious sites - already stolen by the Celts, and then the Romans - and converted them into whatever the Wodenists were doing in these glades.

A very young Beaker Person stakes a claim

Thirdly, I have just as much continuity with the original Beaker Folk as modern day neo-pagans have with their alleged forebears. These forebears, being bloody-minded warriors who believed that those who died in battle would go to the Norse / Germanic heaven, would probably take about ten minutes to deal with their weedy, pacifist supposed successors. The Beaker Folk, on the other hand, being pacific, gentle and at one with nature, were inevitably wiped out by the Celts with their cheaty iron swords.

Fourthly, a process in which a tribal race changed their religion to stay in line with their leaders is not "spiritual genocide." It's simple good business. And it diminishes the word "genocide."

Make no mistake. If the Odinists do not hereby support my claim to every medieval church, every
Bronze Age burial site and every stone circle in these islands I'm going to light a tea light.  It could get as nasty as that.

What Are Priests Paid For?

Good article by Zac Koons, "Priests are not paid to do anything".

But I've just been doing some sums.

Most priests are not paid to do anything six days a week.

But some benefices aren't big enough to justify not paying a priest to do anything full time.

Apparently a half-time priest is 3 days plus Sundays.  So that's the priest not being paid to do anything four days a week. The logic of this is that a priest could not do two half-time jobs as it would equal eight days a week. Unless they are not paid to do anything twice at the same time. Or somebody renames Saturday to be another Sunday.

And a "House for Duty" priest is not paid at all, 18 hours a week (2 days plus Sundays).

The logical end point of all this is that if a priest only doesn't do anything 2 days a week they should pay the diocese for the privilege. Somewhere in a diocesan church office, someone is probably already drawing up the job specification.

BoJo in Fantasy Land

Boris Johnson has admitted that the UK will have to pay a "divorce bill" to the European Union. He previously agreed in Parliament with one of his colleagues that the EU could "go whistle" for such payments.

Mr Johnson had to leave the press conference early as his pants were on fire.

Arriving at Not Greenbelt

All very exciting this morning. We've all set off en masse for Graham Hartland's alternative Christian arts festival, #notGB.

We set off early thinking the traffic would be hideous on this bank holiday. But in fact, we've got there OK. Unfortunately we're now queuing to get in. We're stuck behind 7 tankers of puckish progressive opinion, and someone has shed a truckload of establishment entitlement on the road. So obviously Giles Fraser has brought all his baggage with him.

Season Change

Can Beaker Folk note we are now in "Greenbelt Season".  We are therefore wearing yellow hi vis until Samhaiin.

Pink is acceptable for day visitors and on Anglo Saxon feast days.

Grace for a Meal of Sausages Made from Pigs Previously Saved from a Fire

Let us give thanks for these tasty sausages. For though all flesh is grass, yet these little piggies were saved from the fire. Temporarily. The rescue operation was very successful. And now these sausages are well done. Amen.