Thursday, 25 October 2012

Nativity of Wellington from "The Perishers"

Wellington: Crumbs, Boot! It's Crispin's Day! Men abed in England will wish they'd never been born that they were not in Husborne Crawley on my birthday.

All: Oh? Is it your birthday, Wellington?

Wellington: Every day for the last week I've been hinting...

Maisie: Your birthday, Wellington? Well in that case I need to give a big kiss to..... Marlon.

Marlon: Oh cripes, Maisie. Do you have to do that?

Boot: Has it ever occurred to you little humans that we're just a British version of  Peanuts without the religious overtones? And I am merely a shaggy version of Snoopy without delusions of grandeur? I after all have no delusions of grandeur, having previously been a peer of the realm (oh, curse that gipsy wench!)

All: But Peanuts never had the crabs and the "Eyeballs in the Sky" - pure genius!

Boot: I don't see what the crabs had to do with it. And what are the Eyeballs in the Sky?

All: You don't know about the "Eyeballs"?

Boot: Of course not. Do you think I know everything?

All: Oh, the bitter irony. Cue the singing crabs.....

Crabs (to the tune of Lord of the Dance)

I'm seeing this lobster who I really can't resist.
My wife's very angry and she's told me to desist
There's only one thing that knows I'm living a lie
The all-seeing Eyeballs in the Sky


Run then, and maybe hope to die
Hide from the Eyeballs in the Sky
They've seen your sins and they make you want to cry
For they are the Eyeballs in the Sky.

Verse 2

I saw my mate Ernie and he wan't very well
He's suffering from cold cos he hasn't got a shell.
It was me what stole it, and I fenced it to a dab.
Can't be much fun, being a hermit crab.


(Verse 3)

We're bad crabs - we swear and we like to fight
And have illicit tumbles in the middle of the night.
We love doubles-entendres and we're rather sly
But we're scared of the Eyeballs in the Sky


  1. I remember the Perishers and Andy Cap, the atypical male stereotype of the 1930's, idle, feckless and always begging for a handout down at the social.

    He and his long suffering wife Flo, had a way of dealing with the Vicar who was also a stereotype.

    My father took the Daily Mirror daily, and it was often the only way we kept up with the news. Wouldn't bother now, although the spouse partner of a friend of ours, who is 'old labour' swears by it still.

  2. A bit more fear of the eyeballs in the sky wouldn't be a bad thing.

    I remember one incentive to have faith in the above because if one didn't one would receive a 'cakehole full of claw'.


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