Enforcing the Gospel in a Modern Age

Like St Paul, I have suffered with vociferous women.

I confess - it was my own fault. A few weeks ago I asked a not-quite rhetorical question - "Do we think God is like a pedantic judge, constantly looking for the smallest faults?

The answer, of course, is "yes". The benefits of freedom will never be outweighed by the need to keep on the straight path - narrow, overgrown, and covered in brambles as it may be. But it turned out my little flock of Funambulist Baptists are not yet onto solid food - they still crave after milk. And so some shouted "Yes", some murmured "no" and one commented, "if he's like the Bedford Magistrates we're all in trouble.

Obviously it is right that we should debate these important things. After all, each comes with a word, a song or the ability to make instant coffee. It gave me the chance to put them right. But - and this is the key point - some of those shouting were women. And even more importantly - I have not been able to stop them joining in since.

And so when I asked, "What can separate us from the love of God?" a fortnight ago, most of the congregation responded, "Nothing!" But one shouted out "bondage". It turned out she meant the spiritual variety, but it still distracted attention from the rest of the sermon. It was only afterwards we discovered what she meant.

I have repeatedly stressed to the womenfolk that they should keep quiet, asking questions of the their husbands afterwards. But the shouting-out continues. And my heart grew downcast at the thought of simply expelling them from the congregation. For they are merely being enthusiastic - and some of these pushy women who think they know important things are big earners in the City. And the rent on the Bogwulf Chapel is like unto the mustard tree which groweth every day.

And so I have come up with a godly, disciplined, and yet effective solution. From now on the women are to sit on the left of the church, with the girls and younger children. Down the right, are the men and the older boys. Around the women's pews I have had constructed a sound-proof glass wall. And the sound from the rest of the chapel is broadcast in to them through speakers. It is true, the hymn-singing is only half as loud as it used to be. But godly order has been restored.