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Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Dorking to be renamed after Richard Dawkins

In a shock local-government coup, the small town of Dorking in Surrey has announced that it is to rename itself after the evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins - a move that has attracted concern from the Church, the Plain English Society and the Department of Transport.

"The Council had been looking for something to put the town on the map for ages," explained a spokesman, "well, not literally on the map - because there we are, just below London and above Brighton. But we needed something to make people take notice of us. After all, a lot of people barely know we are here - they just whizz past on the many good road links that make us such a well-connected commuter town, and never stop over to enjoy the many amenities.

"Other towns have been named after people - there's Peter Lee in Durham, Drayton Parslow in Buckinghamshire. But we wanted to associate the town with somebody really famous. And we thought that "Dawkins" was a really good idea. For starters, it sounds much the same - nobody's pronounced the "g" since 1926, and that was a stranger. And Richard Dawkins is an expert in the origins of life - and we've been trying to find some original life in Dorking for ages, so we thought he might be able to give us some advice. Sure, he's a controversial choice. But at least people will know we're a place in our own right - and not just a boring little place near Guildford."

The local faith communities have responded with anger to the idea. The Catholic church has organised a day of prayer, the evangelical faith schools have introduced Creationism onto the curriculum. But the Church of England were more ambivalent. A spokesman for the Diocese of Guildford said, "Of course, we believe Professor Dawkins will suffer in a dreadful place for all eternity - but we're just up the road from Croydon, so we reckon we've got a good idea what it's like already."

But most criticism of the scheme has come from Surrey County Council and the Department of Transport. As the bodies responsible for the roads in and around Dawkins, they will have to replace every single road direction sign in the area. They have made it quite clear that they will be putting the extra costs onto the council tax payers of Dawkins. But the local council isn't worried, as they work to make the entire town an atheism theme park.
Dawkins Town Centre

"We reckon we can tap into a massive revenue stream," said the spokesman. "We have the Dawkins Sea-life Centre, Dawkins Zoo, Dawkins Experimental Ant Farm, the Bertrand Russell Tea Rooms, the Christopher Hitchens Bar, and the "Dawkins Delusion" - a fantastic virtual-reality journey into the mind of Alister McGrath. Which, to be fair, is more interesting than a trip into the mind of Richard Dawkins itself - it has more dimensions, for starters."

And so, nestled in the North Downs, the little town of Dawkins prepares itself for a lucrative future. They have been round the local hotels removing all the Gideon Bibles, anorak shops have opened all the way down the high street, and the local singles' club has doubled its capacity and hopes, one day, to get a woman to join. When the Dawkins fans arrive, Dawkins will be waiting for them.

6 comments :

  1. Well, what a liberty??

    Given that those who come from Dorking are known as Dorks!, which has entered the English language to a great extent, particularly with our trans-Atlantic cousins, how can they hope to change something which the US of A has endorsed.

    I can see a task force of US Marines with associated drones and USMC Fighter Aircraft descending on Dorking (Dawkins) to convince them of the error of their ways.

    Speak up for Dork's!!!

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  2. Virginal anorak wearing atheists in deepest Surrey, the end of civilisation as we know it! The church run charity shops should start selling black and white striped anoraks, kill two birds with one stone..

    Can't believe you forgot to mention the new seafood & fashion store opening next to the Library, "Shellfish Jeans".. apparently they only sell crusty old Levis but the service is really snappy!

    "The Hitch" bar sounds like it might be a winner.. roaring fire, Black Label on ice and a bloody good argument, sign me up!

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    1. Steve, I would like to point out that, in satirizing unattractive male atheists, we were of course basing that picture on the view obtained from the Comment is Free comment pages.
      Attractive, intelligent atheists like yourself would be just the sort of people to have a chat with at the Hitch Bar and Diner. Obviously, we aren't implying you (or Gurdur, if he's reading) are like the unattractive, boring, anorak-wearing sort.

      Though, of course, you are in IT, aren't you?

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    2. "in IT" - ouch, you certainly know how to twist the knife Charlii.. All I can say is don't come to me when iTunes stops working! ;)

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  3. I see that the name change has met with resistance from the Dawkins media http://m.dorkingandleatherheadadvertiser.co.uk/articles/news/article/19917347 . They point out that this is a spoof posted on a satirical religious website??

    Now, in Eileen's day, the post would have been taken seriously - as she was a SERIOUS Arch Druid, not an apprentice such as Charli.

    When the media can't take you seriously, than it's time to step back and bring back the true Arch Druid.

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  4. There's nothing funny about Mr. Dawkins accomplishments. http://atheistlegitimacy.blogspot.com/

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